Learn from these fails

by **Arabian Shady** » Apr 3rd, '10, 22:14

Never accept the offer to hold your friend’s newborn right after he’s been fed, especially when you are wearing a new outfit. And did you know babies can explode from both ends at the same time?

When you have a presentation early in the morning, make sure nobody has changed the background of your computer overnight to a statement declaring your undying love of dongs before you turn on the projector.

If you’re cooking pasta and you dump the boiling water into the sink prior to straining it, but find the sink is clogged. Catch your instincts before you automatically reach in to try to remove the obstruction.

Never smell a pair of underwear one of your kids left on the floor to find out if they are clean or dirty.

After having a baby that you choose to breastfeed, any crying child will cause your breasts to spray milk through your shirt. Even if the crying child is on the TV’s at walmart.

Never call youself a grammar nazi in front of Jewish friends. They WILL NOT hear the "grammar" part.

Make sure your mother in law doesn’t donate to P.E.T.A before cracking jokes how it should stand for "People Eating Tasty Animals"

The web address for Dick’s Sporting Goods IS NOT dicks.com

When you decide on gym or poop first, always poop. They don’t let me back there anymore.

While in a public bathroom, do not giggle at the lady in the stall next to you because she is having an explosive movement, you might find that you are out of toilet paper and now need to ask her for some

If you have roommates that like to dogpile people, then it’s not a good idea to keep your laptop under your cheap wooden bed.

When your parents stay at your new apartment, giving them fresh sheets is not only curteous, it helps you remember to remove your sex toys from the bed.

When you ask your cousin for what bird cannot fly don’t always expect "penguin" or "ostrich" Especially when she’s four,tells you "The dead ones" and you’re taping it for her pre-school.

Ladies; no matter how much you love MC Hammer, do not wear a shirt that says ‘U Can’t Touch This’ across the chest to a college party. Frat boys see it as a challenge.

When you’re helping your dad in the garden and he says "Get me the hoe," you shouldn’t call your mom over.

And finally..

When doing electrical work and accidentally dropping a screw down your sleeve, remember to tell your co-worker before trying to wriggle it out. He may think you’re getting an electrical shock and break your both legs with a 2 by 4 when trying to get you loose from the wiring.