Sick jokes

[Sam.]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"

[Ku53v]

[mdemaz]

One day there was this drunk man sitting at a bus stop surrounded by people. He had been sitting there all day and just watched everyone. Then he saw a man walk up to a woman and whisper, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" To which the woman quickly spun around and said, "WHAT?!" The man simply replied, "I said, isn't this peculiar weather?" The woman relaxed a bit and said, "Oh yeah, I guess" and quickly walked away. Then the man went up to another woman and said the same thing. "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "What did you say!?" the woman replied. And again the man said, "Isn't this peculiar weather?" The woman agreed and walked away. The man moved on to a third woman and whispered, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The woman replied, "Okay." and the two walked away. After seeing this the drunk thought, hey 1 outta 3, that ain't bad, I could do that. So he got up and stumbled over to woman. After nearly falling on her he said in a loud voice, "Stick a feather up your ass?" She jumped back and shouted, "WHAT!?!" The drunk simply answered, "It's mighty fuckin' cold."

[Sam.]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!’

[Sam.]

A man goes to a prostitute and asks what he can have as he only has £20.
The prostitute replies "For that you get a snowstorm".
The man is baffled as he has never heard of a snowstorm, but not wanting to appear naive, he agrees and hands over the money.

After tucking the cash safely away, the woman kneels down, unzips his trousers, and proceeds to give him a blow job. The man shoots his load into her mouth and then does up his zip.

"Great!" he says "but what has that got to do with a snowstorm?"
The woman gets to her feet, looks him sqare in the face, and blows a long raspberry.

[Sam.]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

[Sam.]

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"That’s nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.
"You think you’ve got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig." "So what’s the problem ?" ask the other two.

"I don’t wake up until 11:30 !!"

[Sam.]

Ah looking back now I still remember play time at school so well...

a bit of footy

sneakin a quick cigarette

trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds.......











































































































I really loved that caretaker job.

[the real slim shady]

trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds.......

trying... and failing

[mdemaz]

A professor at Texas A&M University is giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's
a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response." "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3
students raise their hands."That's fantastic." "But let me ask you one
question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his
hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with
a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his
way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like
to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit. From baaack there it sounded like
you said 'goats'".

[Sam.]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What’s up?"
The parrot says, "I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Fleka]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What’s up?"
The parrot says, "I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Fleka]

It's friday night, and this girl wants to go out to a party, but she doesn't have a ride...so she goes downstairs and says to her dad "Dad, can I have the car keys". So he points to his balls and says, "and what are you gonna do for me"....see immediatly turns around and goes upstairs.

About 15 minutes later, she figures her father was joking, so she goes back downstairs, and says "hey dad, I know you were joking, can I please have the car keys" so he does the same thing. She runs upstairs, thinking this is just gross.

About half an hour later, she says...what the hell, I'll forget about it. So she goes downstairs asks, agian.....get the same answer...so she starts sucking him off....then she says "Dad your dick tastes like shit!", and the father says "Oh yeah, I forgot....your brother has the car tonight."

[GenePeer]

[Sam.]

Three nuns Two nuns No nuns at all
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn’t touch him.
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Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles.
First, one says to the other, "I’ve never come this way before."
Other nun says, "Neither have I. It’s probably the cobbles."
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Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?

Wife:You wear briefs, don’t you?