"Trapped" please feed me :)

[2sDay]

Locked in jail, fucked inhaling drugs, no bail or any luck,
Irritated by this fellon fuck, babbling his stressing talk,
Grab his neck, and choke it tight, like the incredicle hulk,
Not my fault, guy assaulted me verbally, left him dumbstruck,
And broke his eye socket, fuck it, i'll get in my cell and lock it,
No sir! You've earned solitary confinement, stop throwing a fit,
Well, can I at least have a knife, to start slitting my right wrist,
No, but you can have a straight jacket, eight faggots, and a condom,
What?, For protecting a penus, that might be detaching, genius, come,
No! not cum!, This prison ain't paying for dick surgery, Oh what a bum,
Oh fuck!, are those a pair of knives?, yup, time for some air striving,
Your dispair is arriving, fair enough your dying, look a whore flying,
Yeah, only happening if your left surviving, It's when pigs fly your lying,
Defying my incredible true authority?, your vulnerable, you diggity?,
Hell and heaven still waiting, still creating, ways to kill me, but dignity,
Is what I'm a take to hell, and if satan permits me, I'm a take you,
And put two pliers on your eyes when your too tired, to have a clue,
On how they got there, hot stare when you see Hitler and Satan,
Parasailing in burning lava, with Jeffrey Dahmer, and the K.K.K clan,

Since, this has dialogue, i made a key so you guys understand who's talking.

Bold=Me
Normal=Character/Prison Guard/Victim etc...

[2sDay]

bump

[Fa-Q]

I liked the first half...after that it started to decline but still liked it...good drop...try more multis though...that always wins me over

[Edge]

Locked in jail, fucked inhaling drugs, no bail or any luck,
Irritated by this fellon fuck, babbling his stressing talk,
Grab his neck, and choke it tight, like the incredicle hulk,
Not my fault, guy assaulted me verbally, left him dumbstruck,

only two ending words rhymes... make the endings of lines rhyme... if ur going to use a slant rhyme at least use it in a multi

And broke his eye socket, fuck it, i'll get in my cell and lock it,
No sir! You've earned solitary confinement, stop throwing a fit,
Well, can I at least have a knife, to start slitting my right wrist,

i like that multi but you should have kept going with it more than the once... rocket, glock spit, rock it, etc.


im not going to go through the rest of it because its going to be redundant... and i know ur thinking that im picking on u b/c i dont like u but im not, im being honest and trying to help... so basicly more multis, but more importantly for me, make you endings rhyme... i saw some internal rhyme and it had nice structure and decent flow... you are getting better, just work on making lines rhyme and multis

[2sDay]

Locked in jail, fucked inhaling drugs, no bail or any luck,
Irritated by this fellon fuck, babbling his stressing talk,
Grab his neck, and choke it tight, like the incredicle hulk,
Not my fault, guy assaulted me verbally, left him dumbstruck,

only two ending words rhymes... make the endings of lines rhyme... if ur going to use a slant rhyme at least use it in a multi

And broke his eye socket, fuck it, i'll get in my cell and lock it,
No sir! You've earned solitary confinement, stop throwing a fit,
Well, can I at least have a knife, to start slitting my right wrist,

i like that multi but you should have kept going with it more than the once... rocket, glock spit, rock it, etc.


im not going to go through the rest of it because its going to be redundant... and i know ur thinking that im picking on u b/c i dont like u but im not, im being honest and trying to help... so basicly more multis, but more importantly for me, make you endings rhyme... i saw some internal rhyme and it had nice structure and decent flow... you are getting better, just work on making lines rhyme and multis

lmao i don't hate you and i appreciate your feed and im definatly gonna take it and apply it on the future.... so thanks man

[Element.]

[2sDay]

:y:

ur just saying that.... this one was just decent

[Element.]

:y:

ur just saying that.... this one sucked

Go on msn,
And dont just feel down about it just keep at it man.

[2sDay]

:y:

ur just saying that.... this one sucked

Go on msn,
And dont just feel down about it just keep at it man.

ok....

[Element.]

^