"Bury the bone"

[Block]

I'm sure you'll be able to tell this is a story song. I didn't focus on rhyming as much as I did story-telling. To me, it's the best story I've ever done. I'm not sure anyone will agree, but oh well.

I wrote it to this beat:
http://www.shadowville.com/121645/genre ... ulless-man



we will wait...
we will wait...
we will wait...

opened up his eyes wide screaming to a new life..
with everything around him being seen inside a new light..
He couldn't understand it all the faces that were staring at him
barely mattered, he was just as cold as he had ever been..
what happened to the warmth inside her belly? (Shoulda never left)
(let me guess, the story takes a turn for the worst right?)..
the first fight, we're gonna jump alot of months ahead (bottoms up)...
The same screaming baby with a differ-ent situation to be placed in,
facing up the demons that he'd wrestle with the rest of his life,
(best to fight them off) but you can't, fight them all
(daddy's getting mad now).. mommy wouldn't back down,
mommy covers little puppy, mommy turns to daddy
and then daddy turns a little rough with mommy
and a six pack of "confidence" into a "hurt her badly",
and sadly.. This is how the story goes,
this is how we pour the tone..
(Maury Povich would be proud of them)


we will wait..
we will wait..
til the bottle is gone..
til the bottle is gone..


we jump ahead a little while... daddy learned to pass the mic
the 'confidence' dad would like would turn into his bragging rights,
(little puppy's growing up now).. his tail's a little thicker..
he's known for hanging up town and handling his liquor..
he's hanging with the clowns and getting praised for his abilities
for keeping down the liquid that would shade his insecurities
impurities and surely he's a joke ((he's a joke))..
If they only knew what he was hiding in that drunken stooper
Someone who's alive, they might have died from what he was doing,
(speak the truth) and thank the heavens that he's been dead since..
daddy hit mommy, living life out as a sentence..
the women he's in bed with would never know the real man..
the man behind the liquid.. the one without a real hand
to catch him if he falls because the only one who did that
was battered in a brawl by his own hands,
His old man's influence is prevelant..
Even as a young pup he knew just how to settle it..
Daddy taught him well, Alcohol's the best medicine


we will wait..
we will wait..
til the bottle is gone..
til the bottle is gone..


Now that little puppy has a family of his own..
he grew into a big dog, he's happy with his home..
Happy with the bone that he has buried in his backyard,
a track star, He's used to running away into a stooper still..
new refill is waiting once that bottle hits the emptiness
(Deabating on the day that she can run away and end with him)..
a six pack would barely give him confidence
but took away his common sense
the cops would get called, upon a nightly basis,
(the cycle rages on).. it's a face that his father painted,
Placed in the wrong arrangement,
(Mother tried to save him from it)
a puppet on the string inside that bottle that he's cupping well,
there's something telling me that he won't live to give another welt..
She ain't naive enough to think he would leave her in a shelter
and he ain't... Well enough to help her...
and he ain't... Well enough to help her..
He can't help himself...

til the bottle is gone..



I fed mik's piece. and alot of others, lol.

[Master Chief]

Damn, this reminds me of what I've heard from Sadistik. The diction and the complexity of your vocabulary is astounding and eons ahead of mine haha

This what I wish, I could someday write. Telling a coherent, relevant story using great vocabulary while having some nice rhyming.

Amazing written

[-[Zach]-]

Wow. Really nice piece here. Easily one of the best story-telling jobs I've seen on here. It was deep, had a nice vocabulary, and flowed so smooth. Would be cool to actually hear this as a complete song. Keep it up, man.

[Robbie G]

That was awesome

It's When Life gives you Lemons, Paint That Shit Gold sounding to me, which is a compliment.

[TheGreatest]

I thought this was a pretty good piece, the flow is near perfect (however I can't be sure you flowed it the same was as me) and the word choice is deffinitely creative and visionary. However, I feel that your downfall was in the fact that you tried so hard to make it abstract and different that your writing became a jargon and the core story telling aspect was lost.

[Block]

I thought this was a pretty good piece, the flow is near perfect (however I can't be sure you flowed it the same was as me) and the word choice is deffinitely creative and visionary. However, I feel that your downfall was in the fact that you tried so hard to make it abstract and different that your writing became a jargon and the core story telling aspect was lost.

Hmm. Thanks for the feed, but I'd have to disagree with the abstract view. youre obviously an older member here, so I'm sure you've read my work.. This was about as "direct" as it gets (in comparison to abstract vs direct). I left any abstract view out of this and focused purely on story telling. Again, thanks though.


And thanks everyone else who fed this. It's much appreciated.

@robbie: yeah, thats a huge compliment, lol.

[TheGreatest]

I have read most of your recent pieces, and I think that you're a great writer, I just think that for story telling you should focus more on...telling the story. Perhaps I didn't choose the right words in my previous post. I just feel that you focused too much on trying to make the reader think and provide the story with a deeper meaning. I'm still not quite sure what transpired at the end of the story. Also, I saw someone mention When Life gives you Lemons, Paint That Shit Gold, and even Slug has a clear story developing, even if it does have a deeper meaning.

[Block]

I have read most of your recent pieces, and I think that you're a great writer, I just think that for story telling you should focus more on...telling the story. Perhaps I didn't choose the right words in my previous post. I just feel that you focused too much on trying to make the reader think and provide the story with a deeper meaning. I'm still not quite sure what transpired at the end of the story. Also, I saw someone mention When Life gives you Lemons, Paint That Shit Gold, and even Slug has a clear story developing, even if it does have a deeper meaning.

His wife killed him. I didn't say it outright, but I alluded to something about to go down in the beginning of the third verse with, "debating on the day that she can run away and end with him" and also in the end with the, "something telling me" line. and the, "she ain't naive enough to think he would leave her in a shelter". As in, like, she knows leaving him isn't her way out. There was only one way out.

I wanted it to be vague and indirect. Thanks, though, dude.. I really do appreciate the feed. And I understand where you're coming from. I just enjoy writing without a purely direct approach.

[MikeNUFC]

Typically good imagery, amazing storytelling (great grasp of narrative and it's structure).

I lost the flow with the change of rhyme scheme in the middle of the second verse but it's probably just me. Apart from that, I flowed along to it perfectly.

[Maybe]

Purely amazing. The storytelling mixed with just enough puzzling imagery make this a real touching piece. The flow, which I can never seem to catch (yet hear you rap and am shocked at) is as usual: excellent. The thing I like the most, though, is the narration. The way you do the storytelling, but keep it within your comfort zone of crazy-multi-syllable madness is what perplexes me. It shows that you can just as easily leave your zone, murder the alphabet and nestle back in your (obviously impenetrable) eggshell.

[Block]

Typically good imagery, amazing storytelling (great grasp of narrative and it's structure).

I lost the flow with the change of rhyme scheme in the middle of the second verse but it's probably just me. Apart from that, I flowed along to it perfectly.

Thanks bro. And yeah, the rhymescheme switches up a few times. Sometimes if I don't practice a verse for a while, I have to go back and read it 5 or 6 times to find how I flowed it when I wrote it, lol.

@Maybe Thanks bro.