Just a few ryhmes

[Words]

Put this together in one of my classes. Just trying to perfect my writing. Feed is .
Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127310&start=15

No Mercy for Naysayers-


Naysayers get away- go farther.
You got half a dick, mine’s harder.
I shred these pricks’ hearts up.
Just that-- when I get the start-up.
I got this power now, I’m so fired-up
Oh fuck you’ve now been blown-up
Cause you came across my lines, stepped on a landmine.
I’m not the one who’s lying
When I say you’re so dumb- half of mind
Your ass is mine, as these bars intertwine.
To reveal this kid - as a villain of the evil kind
On fire, don’t deny, this rhyme, paint me as a liar
While you’re speculating buying items at high prices
I’ll fly from the Effiel Tower, straight into your meijer’s
And as I leave and pop your tires, kind of worse than Mike Meyers.
Cause I could grab a pair of pliers, and tear down all your fliers-
Trying to find your lost dog? Don’t care, I turned all my kind off!

[Words]

Sorry for the double post, I was trying to fix keyboard error in thread title and accidentally posted twice

[JamaicanPattlez]

Hmm.. I like the piece in general, but you gotta a ways to go for improvement haha. Content is good, but the structure was a bit hard for me to really flow to. Here's what I would have done, as an example:


I shred these pricks’ hearts up, they said 'see bitches' call them',
I woulda fought 'em, forced down Sodom and called when I get the start-up.

A rather rusty example, but you know what I mean? Haha. Keep it up!

[Words]

Bump