Summarized A Relationship (Story Telling)

[Slim Zaddy]

this is a story happened between me and one of my friends ,, feedback would be much appreciated

knew this dude...he went through shit that few went through,
Never talked back to his mom...never went askew in school,
But then I viewed this fool poppin meds to stop his head,
cuz the doctor said it ain't been safe to encase his rage,
But then I saw him...he'd pray for days, to escape the horrors,
A propensity to maim that stayed in his brain for hours,
Then that power exploded. He arose, his focus eroded,
From toes to his shoulders. Held no chips. More like boulders,
And noone knows this, but I was there when nobody was,
He told me his troubles "Nobody loves me! Nobody does!"
I told him to trust me...I tried, but the older he was,
the colder he was. Lost focus, like a boy, interrupted,
A bold little cuss. Starting fights, and harming tykes,
Wrong or right? It'd never matter...he'd brawl on sight,
On those calmer nights, he'd spend time verbally piercing me,
Fierce, indeed. Unlocked demons, and opened the fears in me,
"You really wanna know what I think of you? I'm sick of you!
I look at you, and see that fat ass and that crooked tooth!,
What's with you?" I'd had enough...I knew I was shook,
so I swallowed my pride, and ignored him, refusing to look,
But by putting pen to paper, this kid escaped his bane,
Travelled other lanes insane by writs contained in his brain,
And in this crazy age when his ideas graced the page,
He knows his mind will keep maintaining those Days of Rage!

Ever since he was born, he’s been a special individual
Now the ink drips from his thumbs like, sacrificial rituals
He always had knowledge of self, in his crazy ways
Looking back on past pages, of The Days of Rage!

The midst of his existence was contradictory in mystery,
All scripts in his defence were from ‘his story ’not history,
As his first breath left him, I watched him there just resting,
A cursed vessel, set to bless the unsuspecting world with lessons,
Ever since distinguishing fingerprints, he’s lived as a Christian,
And hence individual and different to kids who’d lift a fist to him,
With pride he scribed his rhymes and aligned his primary lines,
He cried out his eyes when old timers replied that it was behind on time,
His school couldn’t understand tha malice that his poems spill,
This unruly punk from wonderland, raped Alice and stole her pills,
I’d steal all his weed he’d even feed me if I was needy or greedy,
seen all his deeds, plus the sweet stampede of him succeed speedy,
I kissed his first love, in front of his face and held her closer,
I saw his heart break up and crunch when she told him it was over,
I had his back in his first fight, who’d ya think was weilding the knife?
Swiping at these fiends with real might, the illest sight I’ve seen in my life,
But he rhymes his phrase, every written rap’s made this man crazed,
As he applies his trade beneath the flickering cascade of a lampshade,
He’d never rhyme-bite, he tries to provide lines that might climb right,
To sublime heights, so what he writes flys to heights, and shines bright in the night’s twilight and in a rhyme fight you could die tonight!

And In this crazy age, when his ideas grace the page,
He knows his mind will keep maintaining those Days of Rage!
He always had knowledge of self, in his crazy ways
Looking back on past pages, of The Days of Rage!

So the lesson was his, just before I met him again,
Anger subdued and still acting tough as Veteran's Kids.
He'd never been bigger, ducked himself away from that trigger,
Once labelled as "Typical" now the antithesis of a nigg.
Like mythical figures, simply destiny controlled.
Getting him to hold what had been deadened in his soul.
From this blessing I told him, he was better overall.
And through the looking glass he said, "It was YOU all along!"
This became his salvation, he waved goodbye to his vocation .
Of a created self-damnation, on the borderline of his own frustration.
Then it suddenly became clearer like space took over time.
When I looked in the mirror I saw his face look back at MINE!.

[James R.]

The rhyming in the first verse had some spots where you switched it up kind of suddenly and it threw me at first. The first chorus (Im assuming thats what it is) didn't flow NEARLY as well as the 2nd. 2nd verse stepped the rhyming up a lot. Flow fell off from time to time.

But onto the good parts. I like the concept of self reflecting. You did a pretty good job of concealing who it was all about by switching the views a lot throughout the story, but you didn't lose me which is a hard balance to find and keep. I like how it ended. A little cliche, but I think it fit this perfectly and I wouldn't try to change it at all. Very good job man.

[Slim Zaddy]

The rhyming in the first verse had some spots where you switched it up kind of suddenly and it threw me at first. The first chorus (Im assuming thats what it is) didn't flow NEARLY as well as the 2nd. 2nd verse stepped the rhyming up a lot. Flow fell off from time to time.

But onto the good parts. I like the concept of self reflecting. You did a pretty good job of concealing who it was all about by switching the views a lot throughout the story, but you didn't lose me which is a hard balance to find and keep. I like how it ended. A little cliche, but I think it fit this perfectly and I wouldn't try to change it at all. Very good job man.

Thanks James ,, much appreciated bro >>