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NEW - What Is This?

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NEW - What Is This?

Postby Solace » Feb 1st, '09, 22:56

Practicing... :sweating:

Verbal portraits of blood and fear, there's scarce happiness,
Through the spoken word, anger overlapping it,
This drastic hiss, ruthless comments for no reason,
Confidence is bleeding, children smiles are retreating,
It's scary, I've earned independence but at times it varies,
Crying like a newborn baby, all my courage is buried,
This feeling is like an epidemic, encouraging hatred,
Telling people just face it, not one day you'll make it,
What is this kind of world, some have to live in it,
And it cannot be changed, this feeling is simply infinite.
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby Requiem » Feb 1st, '09, 23:12

i like it man, not very complex rhymes, but it has a nice tone to it. sort of like a poem. :happy:

btw, i love the whole "it cannot be changed," line :y:
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby gladimnotsoluble » Feb 1st, '09, 23:12

Epiphany wrote:Practicing... :sweating:

Verbal portraits of blood and fear, there's scarce happiness,
Through the spoken word, anger overlapping it,
This drastic hiss, ruthless comments for no reason,
Confidence is bleeding, children smiles are retreating,
It's scary, I've earned independence but at times it varies,
Crying like a newborn baby, all my courage is buried,
This feeling is like an epidemic, encouraging hatred,
Telling people just face it, not one day you'll make it,
What is this kind of world, some have to live in it,
And it cannot be changed, this feeling is simply infinite.


Faggy, deceiving title-did not like.

As for the rhymes.

The rhymes aren't too bad, and the flow is alright--you need work on the flow...but in the end..

What are you talking about? It's just a bunch of words with ZERO meaning. If you're going to write...write SOMETHING, not nothing.

But I liked the different words, and the rhymes.
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby Solace » Feb 1st, '09, 23:16

Ice Killa wrote:i like it man, not very complex rhymes, but it has a nice tone to it. sort of like a poem. :happy:

btw, i love the whole "it cannot be changed," line :y:

Thanks man!

gladimnotsoluble wrote:
Epiphany wrote:Practicing... :sweating:

Verbal portraits of blood and fear, there's scarce happiness,
Through the spoken word, anger overlapping it,
This drastic hiss, ruthless comments for no reason,
Confidence is bleeding, children smiles are retreating,
It's scary, I've earned independence but at times it varies,
Crying like a newborn baby, all my courage is buried,
This feeling is like an epidemic, encouraging hatred,
Telling people just face it, not one day you'll make it,
What is this kind of world, some have to live in it,
And it cannot be changed, this feeling is simply infinite.


Faggy, deceiving title-did not like.

As for the rhymes.

The rhymes aren't too bad, and the flow is alright--you need work on the flow...but in the end..

What are you talking about? It's just a bunch of words with ZERO meaning. If you're going to write...write SOMETHING, not nothing.

But I liked the different words, and the rhymes.

The flow is perfect for me, im flowing to the a beat btw. Its not a beat itself, but its a beat from a song by Cryptic Wisdom (Independant By Nature).

I had a meaning, its about how in worlds people have a rough time, for no reason theyre attacked and swore at etc. but they have done no wrongs. Some people go through depression or have psychological problems, which is what i meant by this "feeling" of hatred and never going to be anything. I don't understand why it's faggy either :unsure:

But thanks for checking it out.
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby gladimnotsoluble » Feb 1st, '09, 23:46

^ Alright, i'll admit I was a little hard on you because I didn't like the title. the "NEW" - "What is This?" was certainly deceiving. I thought it was like a NEW eminem song or a NEW royce song or something of that nature...


You are right, the rhymes are there the flow is there to a certain beat

And you are talking about something. I agree it's more poetic than rap-like, in that it takes a lot to analyze it, and it's sorta deep so I kinda like it. I apologize for being a little hard, keep it up good job :y:
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby Solace » Feb 1st, '09, 23:51

gladimnotsoluble wrote:^ Alright, i'll admit I was a little hard on you because I didn't like the title. the "NEW" - "What is This?" was certainly deceiving. I thought it was like a NEW eminem song or a NEW royce song or something of that nature...


You are right, the rhymes are there the flow is there to a certain beat

And you are talking about something. I agree it's more poetic than rap-like, in that it takes a lot to analyze it, and it's sorta deep so I kinda like it. I apologize for being a little hard, keep it up good job :y:

why would it be a new eminem song if this was in the creative writing section... :unsure:

lol okay, glad you understand it a bit more and no worries if you were harsh a bit. :happy:
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby gladimnotsoluble » Feb 1st, '09, 23:58

Epiphany wrote:why would it be a new eminem song if this was in the creative writing section... :unsure:



lol wtf, you're right. ahahah i'm sorry
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby Solace » Feb 2nd, '09, 00:00

gladimnotsoluble wrote:
Epiphany wrote:why would it be a new eminem song if this was in the creative writing section... :unsure:



lol wtf, you're right. ahahah i'm sorry

lol no problem
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby Ka0t1c » Feb 2nd, '09, 05:26

it's good, i could tell your heart was there
oh yeah... and thanks for nothing too
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby gutawafang » Feb 2nd, '09, 05:48

Good practicing! :y:
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby James R. » Feb 2nd, '09, 14:34

While I liked it it's nowhere near your best at all. The flow was fine for me. Read it straight through with no problem at all. I didn't really like the rhyming though. You didn't have enough complete rhymes ya know? The best lines were probably the last 2 because that rhyming was perfect. All that said it's not a bad piece by any stretch, especially for practice. I'm not all for the super complex stuff, but this could be a LITTLE more complex ya know? Keep at it man, practice makes perfect.
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Re: NEW - What Is This?

Postby Solace » Feb 2nd, '09, 22:15

James R. wrote:While I liked it it's nowhere near your best at all. The flow was fine for me. Read it straight through with no problem at all. I didn't really like the rhyming though. You didn't have enough complete rhymes ya know? The best lines were probably the last 2 because that rhyming was perfect. All that said it's not a bad piece by any stretch, especially for practice. I'm not all for the super complex stuff, but this could be a LITTLE more complex ya know? Keep at it man, practice makes perfect.

Thanks for the detailed feedback man, I really appreciate you showing me my downs and ups on this piece.

gutawafang wrote:Good practicing! :y:

Kaotic wrote:it's good, i could tell your heart was there

McMaybe wrote:Not on your usual level, but none the less pretty excellent. Flow is all on spot, lyrics/content are pretty good, some stand out lines. :y:

Thanks guys! Appreciating all the feed this is getting!

I see that it seems when I use my personal stand on things I don't drop the best pieces (ever since i started using my views on shit, ive gotten slightly worse views). Should I continue with this stuff or go back to trying to be lyrical on shit saying im the best?
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