What does it take?

[mcZu]

I have tried to write down my feelings, I have to admit it is harder then I expected...But I tried to do it anyways, it kinda worked out ok I guess, though I feel like I fucked up the flow. Feedback would be really appreciated ( constructive feedback even more ).

What does it take?

I’m feeling secluded lately, really deluded daily
Seeking for company, especially from her mainly
No company could relate to this heavy depression
Nobody could relate to this steady regression...
Since the day that she had stolen my heart
She has been incarcerated in one of my brain parts
I’m being cupid target rated from the clouds above
He is seeing my stupid movements seeking for love
Laughing at me ‘cause, she caught me in her eyes
I want to make him hit her with an arrow that flies
I’m building this Babylon tower, towards the clouds
Ready to be stealing cupid’s power and be disguised
As him......shoot her and make her fall for me
No time left, before I fall from this wall in the sea
With no water....nor a bottom ........nothing
Stitch the wound before it becomes something
It seems I don’t fit in these global pants anymore
So I apparently need to put my ass on another shore
Though she really makes it worth staying here
For her I’m willing to take away the atmosphere
This stuff is atom clear yet it doesn’t make sense
I’m caught between love and a life threat suspense
Slightly impressed, rightly obsessed so what’s left?
Dryly drowning instead, sightlessly looking for her head
Vaguely catching her body figure in the thick fog
Fake impression of hatching out, like a mammal duck
Trying to fly away while I’m stuck, just swimming
Trying to go against the stream, yet I’m skimming
Through my life’s pages, seeking for the phrases
That are engraved on some paragraphs and it amazes
Me how my life phases have turned into sad faces
With masks on that cover up the facts like this fog
Am I willing to live in a dream with no alarm clock?
I can’t get up, stuck in sharp quick sand made of tears
Rather warp away from here like a trick with cheers
No magic show....though I feel like an illusion
No fragments shown......how could I be losing?
I don’t want to get used to it, so I rather fuse with it
Control it through feelings, can’t lose my head to feelings
So rather then sealing it inside....I let it loose outside
And just face her with my inside shaking like a bumpy ride
Opening my mouth and hope I won’t choke in front of her
Hoping that I can just express myself in front of her....

[MC Anonymous]

Emotion was there, although you seemed to focus to much on self-reflection, then the emotions itself. Which can confuse the reader as to what exactly are you talking about. Rhyming was good for what it was, I think you tried to much to use complex ways to express yourself. I give it a 8/10. Good job

[mcZu]

Thanks for the in-depth feed, really appreciate it. Always good to get constructive feed which I can work with

[Slim Zaddy]

i think it's nice , you expressed yourself very good ,, but you tryed to be complex which runed it a little bit,, in expressing emotion , you just have to write what you feel i mean what's comes in mind, and you have to make it clear to us that you're feeling this way or this way,, you did good here , but as said ,, complexity runed it a little bit , anyway , lyrics and rhyems were nice ,, i liked them,, and i love the concept though ,, flow was off and on ,, but gd job here bro ,, keep it up