Quick Freestyle

[Slim Zaddy]

Feedback Appreciated

so what if im an addict?
my rhymes are sporaddic, and my brain works like motherfucking machinery schematics,
Thats it, I've had it, cause when it comes to flow,
I'll get from here to Cali quicker than you can touch the fucking floor,
You wanna go places homie? Just follow the yellow brick road,
They used to be white, till' i pissed on em so,
Put a pair of boots on and watch out for that puddle,
Trust me that shit aint yellow cause it lemonade brutha,
dude ill confuse you more than 5 lines of cocaine,
how about 5 rhymes that'll drive you insane,
I'll kill you with the facts just like that lawyer Denny Craine,
After you understand how dumb you look you'll be in crucial pain,
Let me try and exlain; with all that "BlingBling" apparrel,
You look dumber than a movie that stars Will Ferrel,
Hop on the ride, I can see those Glazed Eyes,
It's not the make believe drugs i'm just killin' you inside,
Frontin' bout drugs n' crime, your as extreme as John Stockton,
I thought you would be more of a threat with all the fake diamonds you be rockin,
Nah I'm just playin' maybe half of em' are real,
But don't lie you got 'em all at some half off Macy's deal,
I'll make you cry harder than that movie "the pianist",
If I were you now I would have fuckin' had it,
Aww; baby wanna cry? here's a bandaid for your heart,
Lets paint our nails drink cocoa and tell stories in the dark,
OR NOT , I could just slap you around,
Take your remainders and leave em at the local "lost n' found",
Look homie that's enough torture for one day,
If you don't feel like dying now it's cause your brain has some delay,

[Wreck]

Feedback Appreciated

so what if im an addict?
my rhymes are sporaddic, and my brain works like motherfucking machinery schematics,
Thats it, I've had it, cause when it comes to flow,
I'll get from here to Cali quicker than you can touch the fucking floor,
You wanna go places homie? Just follow the yellow brick road,
They used to be white, till' i pissed on em so,
Put a pair of boots on and watch out for that puddle,
Trust me that shit aint yellow cause it lemonade brutha,
dude ill confuse you more than 5 lines of cocaine,
how about 5 rhymes that'll drive you insane,
I'll kill you with the facts just like that lawyer Denny Craine,
After you understand how dumb you look you'll be in crucial pain,
Let me try and exlain; with all that "BlingBling" apparrel,
You look dumber than a movie that stars Will Ferrel,
Hop on the ride, I can see those Glazed Eyes,
It's not the make believe drugs i'm just killin' you inside,
Frontin' bout drugs n' crime, your as extreme as John Stockton,
I thought you would be more of a threat with all the fake diamonds you be rockin,
Nah I'm just playin' maybe half of em' are real,
But don't lie you got 'em all at some half off Macy's deal,
I'll make you cry harder than that movie "the pianist",
If I were you now I would have fuckin' had it,
Aww; baby wanna cry? here's a bandaid for your heart,
Lets paint our nails drink cocoa and tell stories in the dark,
OR NOT , I could just slap you around,
Take your remainders and leave em at the local "lost n' found",
Look homie that's enough torture for one day,
If you don't feel like dying now it's cause your brain has some delay,

Not bad if you just startin with freestylin, writing lyrics or rapping, but to be honest, and no hate- a number of things need to be improved on. With a few lines in the beginning and throughout this, the flow was off and some lines were 1. too long 2. had too much in them, OR 3. one line was (way) bigger and thus uneven with it's counterpart. The first lines of your freestyle, I would like to use as an example, for you to use and improve on, as far as your flow goes.

"so what if im an addict?
my rhymes are sporadic, and my brain works like motherfucking machinery schematics,"

WAY TOO LONG. I respect what you're trying to say and it comes across as making sense, but way too long- the second line I'm referring to. You want to make your 1-2 bars & flow even and precise, so that the flow is on point and so that readers or people checking you out, don't get bored off the bat or easily, especially since this was the start of your freestyle. An improved version of this I may suggst could be as such:


"so what if im an addict?
my rhymes, sporaddic, my brain works like schematics."

OR you could even change the last part of the second line to "and my brain works like magic."
But referring back to my suggested example of improving the flow- do you see how the 2 lines are more structured and balanced, rather then one line being short and the other being long, or in your case, way too long? Try that and see how it works for you. Nobody is perfect and I had this problem for awhile with flow when rapping, so you gotta make improvements, take suggstions and keep at it.

Try flirting with multies & multiple syllables, wordplay & punchlines as well. You seem to have talent to make it work- it's just about fixing the pieces or problems around the big picture. Good look and hope I helped. Stay at it as well.

[Slim Zaddy]

Feedback Appreciated

so what if im an addict?
my rhymes are sporaddic, and my brain works like motherfucking machinery schematics,
Thats it, I've had it, cause when it comes to flow,
I'll get from here to Cali quicker than you can touch the fucking floor,
You wanna go places homie? Just follow the yellow brick road,
They used to be white, till' i pissed on em so,
Put a pair of boots on and watch out for that puddle,
Trust me that shit aint yellow cause it lemonade brutha,
dude ill confuse you more than 5 lines of cocaine,
how about 5 rhymes that'll drive you insane,
I'll kill you with the facts just like that lawyer Denny Craine,
After you understand how dumb you look you'll be in crucial pain,
Let me try and exlain; with all that "BlingBling" apparrel,
You look dumber than a movie that stars Will Ferrel,
Hop on the ride, I can see those Glazed Eyes,
It's not the make believe drugs i'm just killin' you inside,
Frontin' bout drugs n' crime, your as extreme as John Stockton,
I thought you would be more of a threat with all the fake diamonds you be rockin,
Nah I'm just playin' maybe half of em' are real,
But don't lie you got 'em all at some half off Macy's deal,
I'll make you cry harder than that movie "the pianist",
If I were you now I would have fuckin' had it,
Aww; baby wanna cry? here's a bandaid for your heart,
Lets paint our nails drink cocoa and tell stories in the dark,
OR NOT , I could just slap you around,
Take your remainders and leave em at the local "lost n' found",
Look homie that's enough torture for one day,
If you don't feel like dying now it's cause your brain has some delay,

Not bad if you just startin with freestylin, writing lyrics or rapping, but to be honest, and no hate- a number of things need to be improved on. With a few lines in the beginning and throughout this, the flow was off and some lines were 1. too long 2. had too much in them, OR 3. one line was (way) bigger and thus uneven with it's counterpart. The first lines of your freestyle, I would like to use as an example, for you to use and improve on, as far as your flow goes.

"so what if im an addict?
my rhymes are sporadic, and my brain works like motherfucking machinery schematics,"

WAY TOO LONG. I respect what you're trying to say and it comes across as making sense, but way too long- the second line I'm referring to. You want to make your 1-2 bars & flow even and precise, so that the flow is on point and so that readers or people checking you out, don't get bored off the bat or easily, especially since this was the start of your freestyle. An improved version of this I may suggst could be as such:


"so what if im an addict?
my rhymes, sporaddic, my brain works like schematics."

OR you could even change the last part of the second line to "and my brain works like magic."
But referring back to my suggested example of improving the flow- do you see how the 2 lines are more structured and balanced, rather then one line being short and the other being long, or in your case, way too long? Try that and see how it works for you. Nobody is perfect and I had this problem for awhile with flow when rapping, so you gotta make improvements, take suggstions and keep at it.

Try flirting with multies & multiple syllables, wordplay & punchlines as well. You seem to have talent to make it work- it's just about fixing the pieces or problems around the big picture. Good look and hope I helped. Stay at it as well.

thanks for the real feed homie . but i just did this in 10 min , and i did'nt revise through ,so ya it's obvious that there alot of mistake ,, so just screw this ,, i hve done much better freestyles before .. i dont want you to judge me here .. if you want to check my other freestyle . it's here http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=55508
i put much effort on this .. so i want your feed on this . nd i'm convinced that you will change what you think about me .. thanks alot for the feed again much appreciated bro

[Wreck]

thanks for the real feed homie . but i just did this in 10 min , and i did'nt revise through ,so ya it's obvious that there alot of mistake ,, so just screw this ,, i hve done much better freestyles before .. i dont want you to judge me here .. if you want to check my other freestyle . it's here http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=55508
i put much effort on this .. so i want your feed on this . nd i'm convinced that you will change what you think about me .. thanks alot for the feed again much appreciated bro

Yeah, no problem. I honestly don't think you're that bad at all and figured it might of been rushed or done in a short span of time, so tis' all good. I'll check out your other shit on here and give feed. You do the same for me man and thanks.

[Slim Zaddy]

thanks for the real feed homie . but i just did this in 10 min , and i did'nt revise through ,so ya it's obvious that there alot of mistake ,, so just screw this ,, i hve done much better freestyles before .. i dont want you to judge me here .. if you want to check my other freestyle . it's here http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=55508
i put much effort on this .. so i want your feed on this . nd i'm convinced that you will change what you think about me .. thanks alot for the feed again much appreciated bro

Yeah, no problem. I honestly don't think you're that bad at all and figured it might of been rushed or done in a short span of time, so tis' all good. I'll check out your other shit on here and give feed. You do the same for me man and thanks.

offcourse man ,, we're here to feed eachother so we can get better ..

[gutawafang]

MY GOD!!! That was such an awesome read dude! I laughed the shit out my ass!

Great punchlines describing you pee on White Brick Road. It's really good for a freestyle overall.

10/10.

[Slim Zaddy]

MY GOD!!! That was such an awesome read dude! I laughed the shit out my ass!

Great punchlines describing you pee on White Brick Road. It's really good for a freestyle overall.

10/10.

thanks bro ,, glad you enjoyed it