Bob and Sarah

[<Stiiccy>]

As bob drove home, he met sarah at his door,
he knew somthin happened, he could feel it in the ora,
she said baby please dont be mad, he said baby after all these times we had,
theres no secrets, ill give my life to you,
what you wanna say, i promise wont be quick to shoot
okay baby aslong as you say so, but im an angel and i lost my halo,
but baby what do you mean, look at me this aint a tv screen,
this is real life, this is our life,
this is my life, and your my wife,
she says baby i took off the other night,
and deep inside i knew this would come back to bite,
but i cheated ill leave it, ill go back to where i came,
how the fuck could you do this BITCH, you were mine, i laid to claim,
i know baby but i was gettin lonely... why didnt you say so?
i was scared you would haunt me, or even taunt me at times,
all you do is work, and write those stupid fuckin rhymes,
oh sure go ahead blame it on me, can i get a signal, maybe a motion or a beep?
baby im sorry for these lies, i wanna come clean,
after this shit?, BITCH PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE,
i never wanna see you, dont you ever come back,
step foot to me, you'll be dead in the back of a fuckin cadilac..

ehh the flow is so fuckin horrible, but i was trying some new acting skillage hehe..

[James R.]

I like the concept of the dialogue. You're right the flow was off, but the longer lines that had internal rhyming probably aren't as bad as you think. I was able to hold the flow together through most of it. The rhyming wasn't as complex as some would like, but that's just you, so I aint mad at'cha. I think if it were a little longer then it would be better. It developed REALLY fast ya know? Like he comes to the door then BAM he's kicking her out. It doesn't seem natural, the storytelling element seems a little rushed ya know? But this is definitely something you could be damn good at so stick with it. As you do it you'll be surprised the kinda crazy scenarios you think of writing about lol. Good job man. Seriously, stay at it.

[<Stiiccy>]

I like the concept of the dialogue. You're right the flow was off, but the longer lines that had internal rhyming probably aren't as bad as you think. I was able to hold the flow together through most of it. The rhyming wasn't as complex as some would like, but that's just you, so I aint mad at'cha. I think if it were a little longer then it would be better. It developed REALLY fast ya know? Like he comes to the door then BAM he's kicking her out. It doesn't seem natural, the storytelling element seems a little rushed ya know? But this is definitely something you could be damn good at so stick with it. As you do it you'll be surprised the kinda crazy scenarios you think of writing about lol. Good job man. Seriously, stay at it.

Thanks man..and the story telling thing has always been an area ive wanted to dive into...Ive just never really done it...alot of things have to fall into place for story songs. Mainly the beat, you cant tell a story on some 110 bpm shit...You gotta have 85 MAX...