Tobby(second round)

[D'Leh]

this is the second round for me man, just write this verse down in 10 minutes only
any feedback will be great.... im just starting to write some shit, so the i cant catch up the flow completly yet, im workin on it - dont hate please

Before i’ll start drinkin like my father Bobby
Im gonna start out, telling you a little story
There was a boy in my town his name was tobby
He was a drunk, an addict and he became static
He was 21, no girl, no car, only one shoe and passed out in a bar
a tought came to his mind, kill ,stab and fuckin rape his mom
choke her with his cock, calling himself the bad boy on the block
until one night the bad boy knows what fucked up really was
going to a house, telling “God its gonna be the laststop of the bus”
he’s in the bedroom now, with his hands all cover in blood wow
he already killed the dog, with a piece of hear in the top of a cog
feelling the wife with a knife and cough, wakin her up and oh fuck
he just fuckin stabbed her, and killed her whats your next move tobby
i guess now i’ll call Bobby and tell him, that my sister is the dead body

[classthe_king]

You need to work on your rhyme scheme, it was really basic. Look at James R or Solace's rhymes and you'll notice its alot more complex then what you have. Also the scene's you were creating were really random and honestly frightening, like the part of you choking your mom with your cock? Just work on making everything tie together.

[D'Leh]

thanks a lot man, for the advices... my problem is im latin and i talk spanish that's the reason why my english isn¡t that good..about the rhyme just spitin something crazy a little story,,thanks man

[classthe_king]

thanks a lot man, for the advices... my problem is im latin and i talk spanish that's the reason why my english isn¡t that good..about the rhyme just spitin something crazy a little story,,thanks man

Oh, alright, well just work on your english and your writing and you will get a lot better,