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He who destroyed us

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He who destroyed us

Postby gutawafang » Jul 25th, '09, 08:55

A 16 I did to poetically describe the eyes that destroyed us.

Unidentified objects flying across the darkness
Illuminated subjects lighting up the starkness
Realized they were eyes, producing an eerie brightness
Suffice with the cries, inducing a mini fright-ness
Then suddenly, the cries turned into screams
It saddened me, it fried all the streets
From skyscrapers to slums, razed to the ground
From high people to scums, they blazed by the hound
“Fucking bitch”, they said, they were sleeping soundly
But this bitch, it came with many rounds, he
Appeared without sound, without warning, without caution
Just as feared, he came down early morning, for extortion
Destroyed in a flash, ripped apart every flesh
Enjoyed what he crashed, every part of his bash
Blue skies again, who tries to gain
Something from these eyes of pain, dies again

Feed please. :happy:
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Re: He who destroyed us

Postby JPearson » Jul 25th, '09, 08:59

first four lines were tight, flowed well with good rhymes.. didnt completely fall apart after but it definatley went down hill, i know u could've done more with it... it kinda went into a weird n pointless story n i can't tell without audio but from how it read it seemed to loose flow and structure... no hate or anything, i did like the 1st four though... if it keeps flow all the way through or switched to a flow i didnt see let me know n ill take that bit back :y:
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Re: He who destroyed us

Postby gutawafang » Jul 25th, '09, 09:12

JPearson wrote:first four lines were tight, flowed well with good rhymes.. didnt completely fall apart after but it definatley went down hill, i know u could've done more with it... it kinda went into a weird n pointless story n i can't tell without audio but from how it read it seemed to loose flow and structure... no hate or anything, i did like the 1st four though... if it keeps flow all the way through or switched to a flow i didnt see let me know n ill take that bit back :y:

Glad for your feedback man. I appreciate it. It's supposed to be recorded to prove that it flows. But I can't possibly without a mic. I'm too lazy to borrow it from my school. But yeah, I believe the story's pointless without going through the love life I'm going through. The eyes refer to the girl I'm in love with.
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Re: He who destroyed us

Postby JPearson » Jul 25th, '09, 17:13

oh makes more sense now it's about somethings... keeps gettin better :p lol
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