The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

It's Not Over

Want to share a poem, story or a moving article? Share creative literature text here.

It's Not Over

Postby Tash8 » Sep 5th, '09, 20:21

my girlfriend leaves to college today and i wont see her for 3 month and i'm writing her this song, i'm planning to record it.. but I WANT HARSH feedback, this needs to be good, i'm recording this for her and sending it to her, dont be afraid to hate on it if u think it's wack.

keep thinking of the times we couldn't keep our hands off each other
the way we used to kick it, the way we'd smile at each other
looking back now it seems so far in the distant
but every time i think of you, i think of the instance
i had to see you leave, now i'm just left with pictures
and memories worth all my happiness
now i bet i sound like a depressed freak who lacks any sense
but before i get carried too far away
I wanna tell you how i prepared for our first date
i opened my closet, threw all my clothes down
i changed my outfit about 5 times, no joke now
ha, anyways, i wanna let u know, even though
your so far way, your still with me, each and every day
yeah, each and every day, each and every day

cause it's not over, no it's not over
your my baby girl aka lil tomato
it's not over, no it's not over
your love warms me up as the nights get colder (uh)

rewind to this date jan first 2009
i'm heading to this party with two friends of mine
little did i know, what's gonnna be in store for me
one drunk girl acting all whore for me
you finally wake up and there was something that you say
"tamer and a junior" with a smile on your face
we finally end up moving to the living room
the clock keeps ticking and it hits around two
a few of us up and i'm laying next to you
crazy thing happens, i get stabbed by i wont say who
blood splurging everywhere, guess it's true
nothing good ever happens after it turns two
but a few weeks later, i'm completely mistaken
jan 26, we're around the pool table playin
7 month later, and i'm still here saying
that i love you, love you, love you

cause it's not over, no it's not over
hold on to me, you can lean on my shoulders
it's not over, no it's not over
your love warms me up as the nights get colder (uh)

this'll put a strain on us for a while longer
but once it's over, we'll come out much stronger
come out much stronger, we'll come out much stronger,
User avatar
Tash8
Addict
Addict
 
Posts: 12522
Joined: Feb 19th, '07, 20:04
Gender: Male

Re: It's Not Over

Postby mcZu » Sep 5th, '09, 20:30

First verse is good. Flow is good. Vocab is average, though good enough to convey the message you want to bring across. I liked the first verse, nothing really off 'bout it except the word choice.

Chorus, well.. It's actually quite good. Besides the 'lil Tomato' part, I think it's corny, but if it's really a nickname you use then it's okay I guess. Because it is for ya girl after all.

Second verse started of pretty dope, however, the end was a bit convoluted if you ask me. Dunno, maybe try and rephrase the end. Flow, again, is good. Vocab, same story as the first verse and the imagery is dope.

Overall, I think it's good. Could be better if you tweak it a bit here and there and rephrase the end of the second verse. And then all you need is a great delivery to back it all up and you'll have a dope song.
"Truth is limitless in its range; if you drop a 'T' and look at it in reverse, it could hurt."
- Lupe Fiasco

Follow Me!

McZu's Blog!
User avatar
mcZu
Band Leader
Band Leader
 
Posts: 7297
Joined: Jun 17th, '08, 14:21
Location: Rotterdam
Gender: Male

Re: It's Not Over

Postby Slim Zaddy » Sep 5th, '09, 20:41

well it's like you're telling a story ,, i think it can be better in the terms of the emotions ,, if this meant to ya girl ... put some real emotion inside ,, flow is good , rhymes are good too , but as an emotional piece ,, nah stilll need a little bit bro ... that what i think
Image
z_em = Slim Zaddy = Zaid AQ which is my real name
User avatar
Slim Zaddy
Role Model
Role Model
 
Posts: 3764
Joined: Aug 21st, '08, 19:42
Location: never mind
Gender: Male

Re: It's Not Over

Postby Tash8 » Sep 7th, '09, 22:18

User avatar
Tash8
Addict
Addict
 
Posts: 12522
Joined: Feb 19th, '07, 20:04
Gender: Male


Return to Creative Writing



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users

cron