But there's lots of room for improvement. Start out with just rhyming different words and then maybe more syllables. Then, go for creativity and originality.
That's the most important, IMO. Wordplay and metaphors can all contribute to creativity, but more so, it's how you say everything; your "voice". Flow is important, but not necessary, if you're not doing audio tracks. Fuck structure, but keep in mind, you are writing this for the reader. So if the structure is so horrendous, we can't even comprehend the first several lines, you know something must be changed. But overall, good job.
