Blackness

[ThomasJ]

Link of feedback : http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?p=1442940#p1442940

Beat : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIINd4pr3zM

Blackness... All I see is blackness...

VERSE 1:



I wake up from my nightmare, just to realize
I wasn't even sleeping, the forest is so creepy
Pink trees, with the cold wind blowing
Mist everywhere, it's like a barrier
A voice breaks through, it's so eerie
At the same time it's beautiful, so unusual
I try to follow the voice but with no success
Glance up at the sky, can't believe my eyes



It's filled with stars, and the forest is gone
The voice still remains, am I going insane?
This must be a dream, I gotta wake up!
Or do I? For a moment I think it through
It reminds me of my fantasies when I was a kid
All it lacks is a woman, someone passionate, loving
'stead of thinking 'bout how life was
I'm thinking 'bout life could be, then she said

CHORUS:

Come die with me...
Come die with me...
Come die with me...
Come die with me...

VERSE 2:



So I obeyed the voice, put a knife to my fist
Moved it up an inch and started slicing my wrist
The blood started leaking, and I started feeling weak
My heart slowly comes to a stop, my eyes close
See the fire and flames, in my desire to chase the voice
Thought it was an angel, guess it must've been Satan



Something weird starts happening, hell starts to get darker
Satan disappears from his throne, just like that, he's gone
It's almost pitch black, and this intrigues me
Everything comes to a closure, it's all over
It was all a dream, thank God for it
I turn on the lights, but all I could see is blackness

(This is my first piece in 2 months, so bare with me )

[gvdz]

Nice!
i like what u did with the pictures, good lyrics and i love the beat

[dR3]

Bare with you? This is perfect, in my eyes. The imagery is simply stunning, plus the pics do their thing.
I really like the rhyme scheme, how you kept it in every second line.

Keep it up T!

[Yah-hah]

This is great my friend. Im very glad you chose to not rhyme with a simple a b scheme the pictures are a perfect compliment to thw words. Vocab amd word placement is very good. Would like to see a longer story like this with the pictures and all I think that would be dope. If yoi need anything just hit me up. Great job homie

[ThomasJ]

Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate it!!!

[Solace]

Maybe if you bolded the rhymes or something it would be easier on the eyes 'cause atm I feel retarded when I try to flow it. But others obviously don't have that problem so, help me out?

I read this as a poem since I couldn't get the flow and felt it was a very well done piece of poetry. I enjoyed the pictures too, I don't know if anyone else has used this sort of method to get their imagery across in their pieces. Good work. I'm definitely writing this beat and perhaps recording it in January.

[ThomasJ]

Maybe if you bolded the rhymes or something it would be easier on the eyes 'cause atm I feel retarded when I try to flow it. But others obviously don't have that problem so, help me out?

I read this as a poem since I couldn't get the flow and felt it was a very well done piece of poetry. I enjoyed the pictures too, I don't know if anyone else has used this sort of method to get their imagery across in their pieces. Good work. I'm definitely writing this beat and perhaps recording it in January.

Good idea haha.

Overall, the flow is pretty unique IMO (I was kinda aiming for that), so I didn't expect anyone to catch on it.

Anyway, thanks bro, I appreciate it a lot mate.

[classthe_king]

I caught the flow very easily, and it was very good. The only part that didn't really flow for me was this line

This must be a dream, I gotta wake up!
Or do I? For a moment I think it through

But you probably had it. I don't know what really to say about this since this kind of rap isn't really my specialty so all I have to say is that if you're going to be unorthodox about your rhymes try to put more internal rhymes in there so that everything is connected more. I would bring up one of Siinides old pieces as an example but he deleted all his posts.

[ThomasJ]

I caught the flow very easily, and it was very good. The only part that didn't really flow for me was this line

This must be a dream, I gotta wake up!
Or do I? For a moment I think it through

But you probably had it. I don't know what really to say about this since this kind of rap isn't really my specialty so all I have to say is that if you're going to be unorthodox about your rhymes try to put more internal rhymes in there so that everything is connected more. I would bring up one of Siinides old pieces as an example but he deleted all his posts.

Oh, aight...
Thanks for the heads up! Appreciate it!!!

[DƎRDYPK]

i like it TJ
I heard the original song so I know what kinda vibe you were going for
& I could pick up on the flows, story telling, & all that
basically I opened the link to the beat & started reading into your mind & it was sicccckkkk

keep writing lol

[Devil'sAdvocate]

im feelin it,some of ur rhymes aint that clear tho.

i like the concept alot.

[Raids-God]

Dope TJ !
Ima feed This next track i make

GOD !

[Sam.]

Good flow of concept through out , i have to give it to ya this is really a new concept you put forward atleast for me .
On the first read i thought "Ahh ! some simple shit" but when i read it again i really bagan to feel the lyrics .
Good Job brah.

[mdemaz]

Excellent delivery, beat and vocals.
I agree with king you fumbled that line but oh well.
Haha. Dope dope dope.

[Block]

I read this the other day but I wasn't able to feed it properly because I was on my phone. So sorry I'm late feeding this, bro.

Anyhow...

I've seen the images used before in text, and if done right it adds a cool aspect to the piece. This was really cool. I liked the way you put it all together. The whole second verse is dope. I love the way you put rhymes together, (probably arrogant on my part) because it reminds me of myself. Your rhymes are real obscure and don't stick out when read in text. To the untrained eye it would look novice but it really isn't.

As I said, the whole second verse is dope, man. I enjoyed reading this and don't really have much critique to give.