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Perfect city [Poetry]

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Perfect city [Poetry]

Postby J.R. » Mar 12th, '12, 00:06

LOF tomorrow by 4 pm EST, I have to go now, but I promise so don't lock this . :y:

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Follow me To a place you only dreamed of
One of success, encouragement and love,
Full of hugs and everything you want,
Laughter and smiles, no brutal people,
Happy, joyful, seems pretty peaceful,
This place is forever nice and warm,
In here, no souls are torn
You'd never really believe me if I said this place existed,
You'd say I was crazy, You'd think I'm having visions.
And you'd probably be right to most, life is hell
But to me, upon the crooked things of life, we dwell,
And with this, we create an uneccassary hell,
So next time you see something that makes you angry,
Take a deep breath and dream of this place,
It's where eternal life and peace wait.
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Re: Perfect city [Poetry]

Postby J.R. » Mar 12th, '12, 20:49

Sorry, just got back on.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143721&p=1867297#p1867297


There ya go. Feed?
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Re: Perfect city [Poetry]

Postby overgrown » Mar 12th, '12, 22:58

i liked the beginning. simple and kept me reading. then it got all idk longer lines and different. imho the ending was kinda a disappointment. basic rhyme and predictable.
liked this part best..

Laughter and smiles, no brutal people,
Happy, joyful, seems pretty peaceful

jus seemed balanced and the flow was the best. i think having a double syllables brutal/pretty in front of your end rhyme helped. even if they dont rhyme. plus its at least a two syllable end rhyme. i also like that its got a point. something to b said or reason to b wrote.
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