Unknown Destination ( Random Shit ) NeW

[Slim Zaddy]

I'm stuck constructing the path to an unknown destination,
breaking through barriers, terrified at what I seem to be facing,
my mind racing, I move elusively yet make my presence known,
I start pacing and figure that my final opportunity is fully blown,
I've been shown the path of the wise, yet I falter to my demise,
I may have grown within this life, but Still I can't seek what I find,
I seem blind to the scenario's deeper purpose, yet drawn to its core,
the grand design of my search's accomplishment has me seeking more,
I lose what I store in thoughts yet I readily plan to remove what I seek,
the mind of a genius breaking laws of physics, remaining stealthily unique,
My future is bleak, but I continue my struggle, finding it hard to give up,
the suture leaks, and I can find that my spirit is more than just fucked,
I ducked the punch's of life, but I still feel their effervescent affects,
they pluck at my thoughts and tell my emotions to remain incorrect,
I sit and subject my brain to unoriginal forms of subconscious torture,
my rigid personality persuades my thoughts to continue growing courser,
My hearts the enforcer, dragging me into depths of the mind unexplored,
I dart through mentality seeking the knowledge of those who came before,
I was born into the dark reality that is the world as we see it today,
cursed to adorn the stark falicy with pride and delve into the deep gray,
of the random decisions I make which complicate the rest of my life,
but I feel at ease in this situation, and I have just found the light,

[Slim Zaddy]

feedback would be appreciated

[James R.]

I really liked it, but here's what I would suggest. If you're going to have lines that long then you HAVE to have some multies involved. It's not that I'm going to push multies on everyone, but when the lines are that long and you're only rhyming one or two syllables you almost forget the rhyme and it chops the flow to hell. If you have some 5-6 syllable multies (which is just 2 or 3 average words) then it'll hold the flow together, up the complexity a bit, and make it easier to keep up with the rhymes. If you don't want to do that then I'd say at least add some internal rhymes. So if you're rhyming cat then have other words that rhyme with cat sprinkled throughout the lines and maybe use smtn to transition.

I'm back in the thick you're whacker than shit
I'm all real so fuck you actors and cliques
I want a bachelor chick to take to the bed
It's safe to be said I'm comin straight for you head

So back in the thick and bachelor chick serve as internal rhymes so the rhyming happens more regularly. Bachelor chick also serves as a transition because it rhymes with the previous two lines, but doesn't rhyme with the line it's in. It's just an internal rhyme that compliments the new rhyming word(s)

I hope I didn't just explain all that for no reason and you already knew what all that was lol. Anyways hope it helped. Keep droppin man.

[SajN]

I agree pretty much with James
So there's nothing more I can say

[Slim Zaddy]

I really liked it, but here's what I would suggest. If you're going to have lines that long then you HAVE to have some multies involved. It's not that I'm going to push multies on everyone, but when the lines are that long and you're only rhyming one or two syllables you almost forget the rhyme and it chops the flow to hell. If you have some 5-6 syllable multies (which is just 2 or 3 average words) then it'll hold the flow together, up the complexity a bit, and make it easier to keep up with the rhymes. If you don't want to do that then I'd say at least add some internal rhymes. So if you're rhyming cat then have other words that rhyme with cat sprinkled throughout the lines and maybe use smtn to transition.

I'm back in the thick you're whacker than shit
I'm all real so fuck you actors and cliques
I want a bachelor chick to take to the bed
It's safe to be said I'm comin straight for you head

So back in the thick and bachelor chick serve as internal rhymes so the rhyming happens more regularly. Bachelor chick also serves as a transition because it rhymes with the previous two lines, but doesn't rhyme with the line it's in. It's just an internal rhyme that compliments the new rhyming word(s)

I hope I didn't just explain all that for no reason and you already knew what all that was lol. Anyways hope it helped. Keep droppin man.

wow man , really thanks for the long and real feed , i know it takes alot of time writing it so i'm really appreciated james ,, and ya i'm wit you in every single word you said to me ,, and for the inrhyme thing , i think you're right ,, and i did really get alot of benefit out your feed , it's real that you are a legend in writing , i really find you the best writer over this site ,, i hope i can get out of your experience in writing in da future ,, in my next verses i will do as you said to me man,,, so thanks alot james ,, and common write somethin man ,, i'm looking forward for your new shit .. gd luck man