Last Breath ( N.E.W)

[Slim Zaddy]

feedback is appreciated

Quietly, a comment released and tension is eased,
The final push, as the doctor’s yell, “squeeze!”
She can’t believe, her daughter and heart, finally delivered,
She pulls her close as the baby quivers,
The slight moan escaped the child’s mouth,
Her vision was fogged and covered… clouded,
But she doubted her daughter would be born with flaws,
So she screamed in pain, clawed in awe,
As the doctors pried the discolored figure from her,
Sobs of pain left her lips as the child was transferred,
She panted and screamed as the time seemed,
To pass tardily, along with her self-esteem,
Later she was told and she protested with a bold…
Mask covering her pain struck face that holds,
The key to her life’s success, this was her baby!
She had her whole life ahead; maybe enlist in the navy,
You could never pay me, enough to face her now,
As she moved in an out, with a an evasive frown,
And wow, she would plow through the crowds, adoption.
She wanted her own child, but she had limited options,
A single wife, forget the husband in life,
But she struggled about her age, even though despite…
The pain she endured, the mundane days assured,
That a broken brain and heart… can never be cured.
She would lie in bed, or curl in the corner,
Passing by the hours, as the cried and mourned her,
She recalled the day sadly, withdrew sounds of pain,
People thought she was crazy, but to this day she claims:
The child’s smirk mistaken for a smile at death,
As the baby leaned on her mother, passing her last breath

[neversnooze]

z, this was a beautiful sad write(i could have cried). the delivery was very clear to understand. you flow and rhymed in each line with an almost even syllables in each line. i saw a minor error(a, an) but it can be overlooked , i knew what you meant.

9.9/ 10 poetic

keep up the good work

[gutawafang]

This was goddamn touching, z em. Nice storytelling here man. As NS said, it's very poetic! Cool shit!

I especially loved this one:
The pain she endured, the mundane days assured,
That a broken brain and heart… can never be cured.

[mcZu]

Nice story telling skills bro, very touching story indeed. Lyrics were great, rhymes were good, just the flow was off at some points. Overall it was good, I enjoyed reading it

[Slim Zaddy]

z, this was a beautiful sad write(i could have cried). the delivery was very clear to understand. you flow and rhymed in each line with an almost even syllables in each line. i saw a minor error(a, an) but it can be overlooked , i knew what you meant.

9.9/ 10 poetic

keep up the good work

wow neversnooze i love the 9.9 bro .. thanks bro ... for the real feed much appreciated ,, man ,, be ready for a collab or somethin in the future . ..

This was goddamn touching, z em. Nice storytelling here man. As NS said, it's very poetic! Cool shit!

I especially loved this one:
The pain she endured, the mundane days assured,
That a broken brain and heart… can never be cured.

thanks GUtawafang much appreciated glad you liked it bro

Nice story telling skills bro, very touching story indeed. Lyrics were great, rhymes were good, just the flow was off at some points. Overall it was good, I enjoyed reading it

thanks McZu ,, i appreciated the feedback bro ..

[neversnooze]

wow neversnooze i love the 9.9 bro .. thanks bro ... for the real feed much appreciated ,, man ,, be ready for a collab or somethin in the future . ..

i am in the works of writing 2 seperate pieces. when i get done ill send it to you. But it would be like another week or two before i finish, im to lazy lol

[Slim Zaddy]

wow neversnooze i love the 9.9 bro .. thanks bro ... for the real feed much appreciated ,, man ,, be ready for a collab or somethin in the future . ..

i am in the works of writing 2 seperate pieces. when i get done ill send it to you. But it would be like another week or two before i finish, im to lazy lol

wow ,, gd job , no prob .. i will be waiting your new pieces ,, i'm looking forward to see them ,