Phonies Everywhere [My Second Attempt]

[rahul.never2far]

Well... I got some positive feed last time... I hope for the same this time... I tried to implement whatever I learned from the rhyme tutorial posted in the Rap Battles section
Thanks for the encouragement last time... I appreciate it



As I live my life, though the lows and the highs
People come in my life, act as they're really my allies
But surprise, they are really the guys who belie
Making the out sized world around full of undue lies
They think they implied the right attitude but over flied
Plyin', misapllyin' the skills they got, strut flyin'
When they find someone real as me they just start decryin'
Then I find them spyin', and then they upstart pryin'
When they see anythin' real there comes their part of denyin'
Vyin', I keep tryin', to find out whats on their mind
But whenever I'm close enough they murder every sign
They keep puttin' out of sight the person underlyin'

I feel like defyin' but instead
"Haters everywhere I go", thats what I wonder cryin'

I just Sighed, feelin' crushed and denied
All of my life, I've been trustin' your lies
All of your lies always kept fuckin' my mind
Trying to make me a blind but what did you find?
I never believed a single lie you've been supplyin'
Guess what? I always saw whatever you were to hide
But at this moment, I'm sick of the personality you dyed
Far and the wide, its pitch black, I'm sick of findin' light
At this point, I'm scared of anythin' that brights wide
I feel like I've semi died, Now my feelings are semi dryin'
I just feel like I have been knuckled under while tryin'
To survive in the phony world, but now I'm sick of retryin'

I feel like replyin' but instead
"Phonies everywhere I go", thats what I wonder cryin'

Maybe they just wanna see me in a corner lyin', cryin'
Nobody in this fuckin' world feels the situation I'm in
But fuck it, No longer I feel like crying underlyin'
'cause now I possess the right attitude, now aint no scryin'
Everyone shyin', no one tried to feel me, I feel like sunderin'
"Some day some one would feel me" thats what I'm wonderin'
But now I can see the clouds in the sky and its thunderin'
No matter what I'm ready for whatever, I aint surrenderin'
Now feed me with some more lies 'cause now I'm fuckin' hungry
Now feed me with some more hate 'cause now I'm fuckin' angry
Now Hey phony whats up? I think you got mind locked up
'cause you are tryin' to make my life fucked up
I mocked up and you are one of the targets I marked up
This time you won't buck up and your life won't luck up



Please lemme know if there's any grammatical mistake or if anything doesn't sound right
Feed appreciated... Again suggestions are welcome... I hope I did improve

[BlueWolf]

thats deep, i liked it

[rahul.never2far]

Thanks... I'm glad you liked it

[Solace]

Yeah that was good man, 10x better than the first attempt, and 50x better than my first attempts. You got potential, keep up the good pieces

[rahul.never2far]

Yeah that was good man, 10x better than the first attempt, and 50x better than my first attempts. You got potential, keep up the good pieces

Thanks bro

[Slim Zaddy]

i did'nt see you 1st attempt , but this is dope man , really good shit , as said you got potential

[Solace]

Now all you gotta do is master multi-syllable rhyming, cause your vocab seems to be fine already

[rahul.never2far]

i did'nt see you 1st attempt , but this is dope man , really good shit , as said you got potential

Thanks buddy Here's my 1st attempt in case you are interested
http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=57062

Now all you gotta do is master multi-syllable rhyming, cause your vocab seems to be fine already

k... but whats multi-syllable rhyming
Aint got any idea about it

[SajN]

Pretty nice piece But try to change your rhymes and use differnt instead of the same going on and on (cryin', lyin', denyin' etc..)



Multi-syllable rhyming is syllables more than one that rhymes.

cat and hat are just one.


multi-syllable rhyming: black-cap , wack-rap. Know what I mean?

I don't know how to explain it better, but I or someone else can give examples of multies (short for multi-syllable rhyming) if you want to.

[rahul.never2far]

Pretty nice piece But try to change your rhymes and use differnt instead of the same going on and on (cryin', lyin', denyin' etc..)



Multi-syllable rhyming is syllables more than one that rhymes.

cat and hat are just one.


multi-syllable rhyming: black-cap , wack-rap. Know what I mean?

I don't know how to explain it better, but I or someone else can give examples of multies (short for multi-syllable rhyming) if you want to.

Thanks

Thats the biggest problem I'm facin'... when I grab a rhyme I just don't feel like leavin' it... I know it doesn't sound right though

I know what multies are... but I didn't know multies is short for multi-syllable rhymes

PS: STill surprised, SajN gone though my peice

[gutawafang]

I's say, PERFECT. Thank you so much for sharing that. I loved it.

[rahul.never2far]

I's say, PERFECT. Thank you so much for sharing that. I loved it.

Friends are always welcome

Thanks for appreciating

[MC Anonymous]

Well... I got some positive feed last time... I hope for the same this time... I tried to implement whatever I learned from the rhyme tutorial posted in the Rap Battles section
Thanks for the encouragement last time... I appreciate it



As I live my life, though the lows and the highs
People come in my life, act as they're really my allies
But surprise, they are really the guys who belie
Making the out sized world around full of undue lies

I can already tell you're familiar with simplistic rhyme schemes, and that's ok, but doing it excessively can get the reader bored. You should try changing the rhyme sound like instead of the 'I' sound you can use the E or OO sound. Lyrically it was nothing special, I saw no multies, I saw no metaphors, I saw no similes, I did however see emotion. Second attempt it was average. 2.5/5

They think they implied the right attitude but over flied
Plyin', misapllyin' the skills they got, strut flyin'
When they find someone real as me they just start decryin'
Then I find them spyin', and then they upstart pryin'


We meet the problem we saw in the first for lines, to much emphasis on the same rhyme. If you was to change it up as I previously said, it would come out much better. I see you put more lyricism into this segmant, which is good. Emotion was taken away at the cost of complexity, and that is commen for new comers so it's ok. Next time try to keep it in a balance, 3/5

When they see anythin' real there comes their part of denyin'
Vyin', I keep tryin', to find out whats on their mind
But whenever I'm close enough they murder every sign
They keep puttin' out of sight the person underlyin'


You changed the sound of the rhyme on this, but it was your weakest lines, realitively no lyricism at all in these, just poetic thoughts. 1/5


I feel like defyin' but instead
"Haters everywhere I go", thats what I wonder cryin'

I just Sighed, feelin' crushed and denied
All of my life, I've been trustin' your lies
All of your lies always kept fuckin' my mind
Trying to make me a blind but what did you find?

2 different rhyme sounds, but you NEED to make your rhymes multies, it keeps the reader interested, and frankly I'm getting bored as hell doing this feed like this. MORE substance, MORE mechanics applied, MORE of everything. 2/5

I never believed a single lie you've been supplyin'
Guess what? I always saw whatever you were to hide
But at this moment, I'm sick of the personality you dyed
Far and the wide, its pitch black, I'm sick of findin' light

Supplying and hide do not rhyme, not even as a slant rhyme, it seems you are stuck in the poetic state of mind instead of a lyrical state of mind. You need to step into the lyrical state of mind. and MORE MECHANICS. 2/5

At this point, I'm scared of anythin' that brights wide
I feel like I've semi died, Now my feelings are semi dryin'
I just feel like I have been knuckled under while tryin'
To survive in the phony world, but now I'm sick of retryin'

Ok.....Same problems as stated above. 2/5

I feel like replyin' but instead
"Phonies everywhere I go", thats what I wonder cryin'

Maybe they just wanna see me in a corner lyin', cryin'
Nobody in this fuckin' world feels the situation I'm in
But fuck it, No longer I feel like crying underlyin'
'cause now I possess the right attitude, now aint no scryin'
Everyone shyin', no one tried to feel me, I feel like sunderin'
"Some day some one would feel me" thats what I'm wonderin'
But now I can see the clouds in the sky and its thunderin'
No matter what I'm ready for whatever, I aint surrenderin'
Now feed me with some more lies 'cause now I'm fuckin' hungry
Now feed me with some more hate 'cause now I'm fuckin' angry
Now Hey phony whats up? I think you got mind locked up
'cause you are tryin' to make my life fucked up
I mocked up and you are one of the targets I marked up
This time you won't buck up and your life won't luck up

I have already stated all the problems you faced in the first two verses, no need to repeat myself 3 times.

Please lemme know if there's any grammatical mistake or if anything doesn't sound right
Feed appreciated... Again suggestions are welcome... I hope I did improve

Ok I will take apart this whole drop by 4 lines each, then I will grade it from one to five for each 4 line segmant. I will also add feedback for every 4 line segmant. This is for your benefit, if it seems I am simply bashing you then disregard it.

[rahul.never2far]

Well... I got some positive feed last time... I hope for the same this time... I tried to implement whatever I learned from the rhyme tutorial posted in the Rap Battles section
Thanks for the encouragement last time... I appreciate it



As I live my life, though the lows and the highs
People come in my life, act as they're really my allies
But surprise, they are really the guys who belie
Making the out sized world around full of undue lies

I can already tell you're familiar with simplistic rhyme schemes, and that's ok, but doing it excessively can get the reader bored. You should try changing the rhyme sound like instead of the 'I' sound you can use the E or OO sound. Lyrically it was nothing special, I saw no multies, I saw no metaphors, I saw no similes, I did however see emotion. Second attempt it was average. 2.5/5

They think they implied the right attitude but over flied
Plyin', misapllyin' the skills they got, strut flyin'
When they find someone real as me they just start decryin'
Then I find them spyin', and then they upstart pryin'


We meet the problem we saw in the first for lines, to much emphasis on the same rhyme. If you was to change it up as I previously said, it would come out much better. I see you put more lyricism into this segmant, which is good. Emotion was taken away at the cost of complexity, and that is commen for new comers so it's ok. Next time try to keep it in a balance, 3/5

When they see anythin' real there comes their part of denyin'
Vyin', I keep tryin', to find out whats on their mind
But whenever I'm close enough they murder every sign
They keep puttin' out of sight the person underlyin'


You changed the sound of the rhyme on this, but it was your weakest lines, realitively no lyricism at all in these, just poetic thoughts. 1/5


I feel like defyin' but instead
"Haters everywhere I go", thats what I wonder cryin'

I just Sighed, feelin' crushed and denied
All of my life, I've been trustin' your lies
All of your lies always kept fuckin' my mind
Trying to make me a blind but what did you find?

2 different rhyme sounds, but you NEED to make your rhymes multies, it keeps the reader interested, and frankly I'm getting bored as hell doing this feed like this. MORE substance, MORE mechanics applied, MORE of everything. 2/5

I never believed a single lie you've been supplyin'
Guess what? I always saw whatever you were to hide
But at this moment, I'm sick of the personality you dyed
Far and the wide, its pitch black, I'm sick of findin' light

Supplying and hide do not rhyme, not even as a slant rhyme, it seems you are stuck in the poetic state of mind instead of a lyrical state of mind. You need to step into the lyrical state of mind. and MORE MECHANICS. 2/5

At this point, I'm scared of anythin' that brights wide
I feel like I've semi died, Now my feelings are semi dryin'
I just feel like I have been knuckled under while tryin'
To survive in the phony world, but now I'm sick of retryin'

Ok.....Same problems as stated above. 2/5

I feel like replyin' but instead
"Phonies everywhere I go", thats what I wonder cryin'

Maybe they just wanna see me in a corner lyin', cryin'
Nobody in this fuckin' world feels the situation I'm in
But fuck it, No longer I feel like crying underlyin'
'cause now I possess the right attitude, now aint no scryin'
Everyone shyin', no one tried to feel me, I feel like sunderin'
"Some day some one would feel me" thats what I'm wonderin'
But now I can see the clouds in the sky and its thunderin'
No matter what I'm ready for whatever, I aint surrenderin'
Now feed me with some more lies 'cause now I'm fuckin' hungry
Now feed me with some more hate 'cause now I'm fuckin' angry
Now Hey phony whats up? I think you got mind locked up
'cause you are tryin' to make my life fucked up
I mocked up and you are one of the targets I marked up
This time you won't buck up and your life won't luck up

I have already stated all the problems you faced in the first two verses, no need to repeat myself 3 times.

Please lemme know if there's any grammatical mistake or if anything doesn't sound right
Feed appreciated... Again suggestions are welcome... I hope I did improve

Ok I will take apart this whole drop by 4 lines each, then I will grade it from one to five for each 4 line segmant. I will also add feedback for every 4 line segmant. This is for your benefit, if it seems I am simply bashing you then disregard it.

Thanks taking a look at my piece... and detailing the feed so much... would keep the things you mentioned in mind... I saved your feed in my PC

Actually the problems I'm an inexpressive kinda guy and this is the fist time I'm tryin' to express my mind...I know the excuses aren't important... but I'm tryin' to learn it... and will excel the skill it for sure!

I hope you would give feed on my upcoming pieces as well and help me to become better