Gasping For Air (N.E.W)

[Slim Zaddy]

Feedback Appreciated

(Hook)
Flip Clocks, Tick Tock, Time Never Stops,
Why Skip Talk, When Reality Never Drops?
Mindfully Tear, A Heart Baren In Chains,
As Men With No Fear, Will Feel No Pain,

There Is Young Man, Not Tall Nor Short,
This Is How It Began, Not Sweet Nor Tort,
No Children To Love, Nothing To Relish,
No Darling To Hug, Life Almost Hellish,
In Love One Day, Fallen Out Of The Next,
Hearts Gone Astray, To Beleive In The Rest,
One Prayer Answered, The Great Love Found,
Life Flows On, In The Same River He Drowns,
In Awe Of Beauty, His One Love Not Then,
Decision To Duty, Overlooked By Most Men,
Confidence Risen, In Love With Himself,
Metaphorical Prison, The Hand He Was Dealt,
Two People Were One, And One Person Less,
One Person Was None, For He Could Care Less,
Medication Ignored, For It Was Not Needed,
Love Of The Lord, Was All For He Pleaded,
One Day He Awoke, But He Was Not There,
He Always Leaves Himself, Gasping For Air,

[Slim Zaddy]

bump

[neversnooze]

Z,

the chorus could be worked on, the tick tock part was a cliche(similiar to it, not amusing to see).
but your lyrics were great, you had multies in every line and you flowed from beginning to end. my favorite line was :

Life Flows On, In The Same River He Drowns,

it was well written just give the chorus some touch up and your set 8.5/10

[Slim Zaddy]

Z,

the chorus could be worked on, the tick tock part was a cliche(similiar to it, not amusing to see).
but your lyrics were great, you had multies in every line and you flowed from beginning to end. my favorite line was :

Life Flows On, In The Same River He Drowns,

it was well written just give the chorus some touch up and your set 8.5/10

thanks man for checkin it out ,, much appreciated ,, i will fix the chorus .. what are your suggestions ??

[neversnooze]

for the chorus, i would say to just redo it and make it each line a little longer to make it look more interesting and different.

[Slim Zaddy]

for the chorus, i would say to just redo it and make it each line a little longer to make it look more interesting and different.

i got your point ,, ya in audio it's better to make it longer so it could flow better ,, thanks for the help .. much appreciated ,,