The Unknownzone

[ARTILLERY]

Have you ever been,been to the unkownzone that is?
Turn your mental channel just past all the fiz.
Now pepole who don't like the unkown
I strongly advise to leave the channel alone.
For those that are with me welcome to the unkownzone!
Some pepole are prone to enter this zone alone.
I have sevral times in my life
I find my self trying to find a light to find my next mark this zone is really dark.
Every once in a while you can see a spark somewhere out in the sea of dark.
I've come to find an even tone in this zone.
I've come to like it in the darkest part this spark I found is all around it's really standing it's ground.
So you enter the next stage where you can see a light.
Now with all your might try to fight the urge to surge for the light
The times just not right sit back and injoy this part of the zone cause your no longer alone.
Now it gets tricky cause most pepole are picky they'll try to quiz there self back to the fiz.
I don't know man just live day to day let fate run it's course and try to be a sport.
Don't watch your watch let time go by on it's own time and wait for the right time to yurn for the light That shines so bright in the unknownzone!

[gutawafang]

Organize your structure dude. Arrange your sentences properly so that people can comment easier. I can't flow due to bad arrangement.

However, I see that you're pretty good with your vocab and all.

[ARTILLERY]

I not sure I feel you about the structure. I tried to make it like a story will you give me an example.

[Solace]

Your Structure:

"Have you ever been,been to the unkownzone that is? Turn your mental channel just past all the fiz"

Good Structure:

"Have you ever been,been to the unknown zone that is?
Turn your mental channel just past all the fiz."

[ARTILLERY]

How's it look now? Any better? Thanx for the constructive criticism!

[Solace]

No problem, you're obviously starting out so I'll be glad to help.

Actually its better, but was this supposed to rhyme? Cause the way you structure, it doesn't look like it rhymes. At the beginning it was fine, then it all messed up.

"Have you ever been,been to the unkownzone that is?
Turn your mental channel just past all the fiz.
Now pepole who don't like the unkown
I strongly advise to leave the channel alone.
For those that are with me welcome to the unkownzone!
Some pepole are prone to enter this zone alone. "



Each line should have the ending rhyme, if you get what I mean.