my first verse!

[Sarah P]

My Stomach Was Flipping And I Was So Scared
When You Told Me You Liked Me And Told Me You Cared
I Could Feel The Love In The Air (It Was All There)
I Couldn't Get Words Out, You Were Touching My Hair
And I Melted Inside, When You Let Me Inside
You Had Nothing To Hide, Never Had A Surprise
Your Attention Was On Me, You Never Pretended To Be
Too Tired Or Busy To Come And See Me, It Was Meant To Be
It All Fit So Perfectly, And It Felt Like It Was All Worth It See
Flying High Like Birds Can See, I Could Never See You Hurting Me,
Remember That Night You Got Down On One Knee
And Proposed To Me, My Eyes Just Couldn't Let Me Believe
It Was Really Happening, But My Eyes Are Not Ones To Deceive
How Many Tricks Have You Got Under Your Sleeve?
You Had Me Weak At The Knees, You're Eager To Please
And I Can Only Hope I Can Forever Be What You Need...

[MC Anonymous]

My Stomach Was Flipping And I Was So Scared
When You Told Me You Liked Me And Told Me You Cared
I Could Feel The Love In The Air (It Was All There)
I Couldn't Get Words Out, You Were Touching My Hair
And I Melted Inside, When You Let Me Inside
You Had Nothing To Hide, Never Had A Surprise
Your Attention Was On Me, You Never Pretended To Be
Too Tired Or Busy To Come And See Me, It Was Meant To Be
It All Fit So Perfectly, And It Felt Like It Was All Worth It See
Flying High Like Birds Can See, I Could Never See You Hurting Me,
Remember That Night You Got Down On One Knee
And Proposed To Me, My Eyes Just Couldn't Let Me Believe
It Was Really Happening, But My Eyes Are Not Ones To Deceive
How Many Tricks Have You Got Under Your Sleeve?
You Had Me Weak At The Knees, You're Eager To Please
And I Can Only Hope I Can Forever Be What You Need...

You have talent, I can see it. What would be better is if you didn't capitalize every word, kinda gets irritating. Keep practicing, you'll get better, and follow those guidelines I put in ya previous thread.

[Solace]

Ohmyfucking god

Your one of the first new writers ive ever seen that doesnt suck total balls. Seriously, all these wack writers come up here acting like the shit and their lyrics are "im so sick, but you're shit" and stuff. Keep at it, improvement will come quickly. If you need to improve flow, just listen to a beat while writing and post the beats name or the link to the beat in your post to show people how it flows.

[Sarah P]

nice to see someone new dropping that ain't wack like what Solace said

I actually liked it even though it ain't my kinda style most the time, no complaints on the rhyming or anything specific, keep it up keep being original

hmmm thank you. but im not happy with you still!

[Sarah P]

nice to see someone new dropping that ain't wack like what Solace said

I actually liked it even though it ain't my kinda style most the time, no complaints on the rhyming or anything specific, keep it up keep being original

hmmm thank you. but im not happy with you still!

omg what will I do

stop it.

[Solace]

nice to see someone new dropping that ain't wack like what Solace said

I actually liked it even though it ain't my kinda style most the time, no complaints on the rhyming or anything specific, keep it up keep being original

hmmm thank you. but im not happy with you still!

omg what will I do

LOL

[neversnooze]

in this piece you have captured your emotions quite well. the "me" parts were repetitive but somewhat poetic, it flowed in each line.

keep practicing and you will develop your own style, its natural and easy to develop.

[theJFKshow]

A guy, writing lyrics from the pov of a girl. Classic!

[Arabian Shady]

i agree with never snooze and solace, you have good talent, a lil practise will polish

structure was very well done for a first time verse, i'm actually surprised to see that it actually had nice flow, you didnt use a lot of big words but thats allright, it'll ease into verses once you've started writing continuosly.
i say its a very good first drop, probably better than all the newbies here, so congrats on that

[Nu Syd]

nice read, stay at it!

[SajN]

When You Let Me Inside

That made me giggle (if you were a boy)




Pretty nice verse actually.
You actually used a multi as I can see.
Structure was aight, and rhymes were pretty basic, but good for a newbie

Keep it up, and you'll improve in no time.

[Slim Zaddy]

hey baby , i miss ya ,, i see that you're writing too , you got talent here too , what a girl . no but really we all were suck at our first drop in the creative writing , but damn you're good , what attract me to your piece is the emotions inside the verse and ya you no doubt lol , it was full of emotion's so it's does'nt need to be complex or somethin , as well as it's tight ,, love you

[gutawafang]

It's damn good like the others said. Let your presence linger here and you will improve. My first poem was the lamest and the stupidest. But hell, thanks to Anonymus, I'm improving. I guess.

Seriously, I felt the emotion in that piece Sarah P. I really really can relate to it. I love you.