HEARTBROKEN

[BuzzZ]

Girls, Ladys, This song is for you

V1: Every girl i've bin with or tryed to get with
has broken my heart, made me feel like slittin my wrist
an now i feel like i aint got the will to live
because of one girl, i let her go with a silent kiss
what did i do to deserve this, i carnt understand what did i miss
she was bueatiful, perfect damn she was clean,,,,,,,
she was 18, one of those girls that you could depend on for anything
we was goin to start a family, get wed and have a baby
people said we was crazy, but that shit dint at all faze me
she was my all, my queen she was my lady
but then she hurt me, she slept with a man that was 30 and lazy
12 years older than her, god damn that man had turned dirrty
if i ever see him, ill burn him an make him fuckin retire early
my biological clock will soon exspire, lord give me mercey

hook: there was one girl that i loved, it was true love
she was like an angel sent from the heavens above
jesus had given me love, that i have never had before
but then she left me, she walked right out my front door
as i heard the door bang i sat down an cryed on the floor


V2: now i dont no how to feel, my emotions run deep
every night i cry, i've forgotten how to sleep
i just wanna die, my friends try and comfort me
but it isn't happening, why carnt life just be easy
every night i think back whilst watching the tv
i tryed to talk to her one day in the street


thats all i got so far on the second verse

change a few line and that now what do you think
if you don't understand any of it let me no and ill explain

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!!
thank you

[BuzzZ]

Is there anyone on this site anymore ?

[Solace]

Yes, we're all here.

[BuzzZ]

lol i was beginning to wonder if im alone lol,
what did u think of my lil verse, be as crude as u want lol

[Solace]

Okay

I honestly thought this was the only decent part:

V1: Every girl i've bin with or tryed to get with
has broken my heart, made me feel like slittin my wrist
an now i feel like i aint got the will to live
because of one girl, i let her go with a silent kiss

The rest of the piece could be reworked.

Hook was fine cept "but then she hurt me, she slepted with my best bud". Its all opinion but I'd say a line like that would go in a verse while the hook gives a much more general outline of the story, like "She had me at hello, I guess I was decieved" but not something as to tell the story in 1 line.

[BuzzZ]

thank you very much
at least someone gave there opinions,
cheers solance ill rework some of it
and i see what u mean about the line in the hook
ill change the seconed half ov the hook

[BuzzZ]

now ?

[Slim Zaddy]

Girls, Ladys, This song is for you

V1: Every girl i've bin with or tryed to get with
has broken my heart, made me feel like slittin my wrist
an now i feel like i aint got the will to live
because of one girl, i let her go with a silent kiss
if i ever see him, ill make him fuckin retire early
my biological clock will soon exspire, lord give me mercey

thank you

as solace said ,, hook need some work , these lines are good compared to the others,, well some lines didn't flow well with me ,, lyrics were simple but good, you got the imagination , but this piece need more emotions ,, it's a heart broken piece , so it must be full with emotion ,, you ruined it with 30 or 12 ,, these numbers ,, actually it was good . but need to reedit it again ,, rhymeing scheme was good ,, but i did'nt feel it to be honest ,,, so yeah put more emotions ,, and write from heart,, keep it up dude,,,

[Solace]

This version is much better than the last one. Good job for your level; keep at it no matter what. You may not see improvement very soon but itll take place in a month and youll be writing like a motherfucker

And remember to always expand your vocabulary/diction

[Drama Setter]

hey dude you remind me kanye west's song - Heartless but not much .

your song is so simple but that's good dude .

[BuzzZ]

thanxs guys, i carnt change owt now because im goin to bed but i will as soon as i can, and i can see what you mean bout the emotion and my vocab, but my emotion also comes the way i sing it

[BuzzZ]

oh your commets and adive is much appreciated