how is this?

[drasticlyhated]

no matter how much i try
i never new how to ride
but now one of my boys died
im out for blood tonight
ready to slit some fuckers throat
i wanna here him scream for help he screaming dont dont!
we can work this out!no fuck you im done
i gotta decision to make
a knife or a gun is at stake
so i grabbed his neck held his head
let him say what he had to say then it was off to bed off
with your head! they'll find you dismemberd in the back
of your shed you played a game you rolled the dice now
it cost your dumbass you whole fucking life

i copyied and pasted it and it messed up the structure
but this is just a freestyle and i need your guys opinion so any tips?fixes?do's and donts?thanx

[Solace]

Always make each sentence the same amount of syllables for a simple flow and when you get that down you can try experimenting the flows to faster beats and stuff. But the structure could be sooooo much better so you can see the rhymes. Like:

let him say what he had to say then it was off to bed off
with your head! they'll find you dismemberd in the back
of your shed you played a game you rolled the dice now
it cost your dumbass you whole fucking life

To:

Then it was off to bed, off with your head!
They'll find you dismembered in the back of your shed,
You played a game, you rolled the dice,
Now it cost your dumbass your whole fucking life.

You see how it's easier to get the flow and see the rhymes?

Keep at it

[drasticlyhated]

thanx for the tip