Dead (MORE ADDED)

[bullet_boy46]

this is my first attempt at rap! i need some help

i feel all dead inside, i just fall and i cry,
i just feel like i dont belong in this world
i hurled couple punches at him
i aint no slim no, but i am tim yo
my life is in limbo, because i just dont kno-oow
about this rap game, but i aim for the top
either i make it or not, but its all up to God
if im in number 1 spot,
or am i a failure just like everybody else?
I try and try, again and again,
every time i write, i want to stick this pen,
into my skin
Trying to maintain my inner-self
i guess i should just hang up my hat up on the shelf
because i wont be good as MC A,
i guess i should just pray,
and hope for this day will come
and bring me fame, but right now its just the same ol' shit every day
last until May til februrary eight going on and on
i wish for that one moment, when everyone claps
but then some critics snap, cause im white, now wat the fucks with that?
I rember highscool when i was trying to be cool
a failure to society and a failure to my hometown,
i come from NY the city that neva sleeps
say a couple a beeps every now and then, jot it down with a pen.
people say you dope, but you go home and mope,
cause that was your chance to make it to fame
and claim what you always wanted to claim




How ya think? Feedback please

[AOBrien09]

it weren't bad try keeping away from rhyming simple words only use them in your filler lines even then multi them up(don't force them tho it get's easier the more you write). See you used some multi try use them more, try expand your lines abit and use inner rhymes if possible, but either way ok for 1st attempt a would say.

[bullet_boy46]

it weren't bad try keeping away from rhyming simple words only use them in your filler lines even then multi them up(don't force them tho it get's easier the more you write). See you used some multi try use them more, try expand your lines abit and use inner rhymes if possible, but either way ok for 1st attempt a would say.

thank ya

[Solace]

Make sure the ends of your lines rhyme with the previous line.

I'm a cat,
I have a hat.

for example lol.


i feel all dead inside, i just fall and i cry,
i just feel like i dont belong in this world

as you can see had different endings. When you get the simple rhymes down, dont try and shoot for multies (multi-syllable rhymes). Lengthen your lines to about 10 syllables each.

[bullet_boy46]

Make sure the ends of your lines rhyme with the previous line.

I'm a cat,
I have a hat.

for example lol.


i feel all dead inside, i just fall and i cry,
i just feel like i dont belong in this world

as you can see had different endings. When you get the simple rhymes down, dont try and shoot for multies (multi-syllable rhymes). Lengthen your lines to about 10 syllables each.

thanks

[daddycoco23]

that sucked mine are better

[bullet_boy46]

that sucked mine are better

your a nice man....

[Solace]

that sucked mine are better

I WAS going to help you, just like you PM'd me asking for my help, but after that cocky comment I'll just stay with Bullet.

[bullet_boy46]

that sucked mine are better

I WAS going to help you, just like you PM'd me asking for my help, but after that cocky comment I'll just stay with Bullet.

thanks a bunch,

[FAME]

Your first rap is much better than mine, which I shall never show....
Anyways, I agree with the other posters that rhyming the end words is very important. I would also try to maybe read over your rap in your head or say it out loud. It usually helps me think about the flow of the words more than I do when I type them out. But other than that, I can see your voice in the words, can't wait for your next piece.

[bullet_boy46]

:o Your first rap is much better than mine, which I shall never show....
Anyways, I agree with the other posters that rhyming the end words is very important. I would also try to maybe read over your rap in your head or say it out loud. It usually helps me think about the flow of the words more than I do when I type them out. But other than that, I can see your voice in the words, can't wait for your next piece.

thanks a lot, makes me feel cool that my first rap is better then yours anyways thanks i will improve!

[gutawafang]

Rhyming could be improved. Vocabulary too. Otherwise, I think the concept is good. You got potential for the storytelling section of rap. Know I'm saying?

[lilrossy]

yea man, jus like everyone else said, jus need to work on ya rhyme scheme, but ur on the right track. jus keep practicing, u'll get betta.

for ur 1st attempt at rap, it was pretty good. keep it up.

[classthe_king]

Hmmmmm, i doubt you did this on purpose because it was your first rap but even though the structure was all off i flowed to it really well. The rap itself isnt very good though, but its your first one ever so keep working on it and it will get alot better. One thing about the rhymes i will say is it seemed like you just randomly changed rhymes in the weird spots. Try to keep a rhyme up for an even amount of bars if you know what i mean. Like, rhyme a word for 2 lines, or 4 or 6 lines instead of 3, 5 or 7. Kinda sounds weird if you know what i mean. Keep it up though.