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Sad Consquence

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Sad Consquence

Postby AOBrien09 » Oct 29th, '09, 14:41

sad reflection's from kid's face,
bad connection's to his parent's but when faced,
with a problem he ain't got'em either, it's a disgrace,
he just spit's it out like food with a bad taste,
in his line's which he writes in his notebook,
everyday is a fight, no if's, no but's,
this shit need's to be took out like show cut's(shortcuts),
it's why he never speak's much,
he even wonder why he's heart beat's, fuck,
cause he don't really wanna live,
the dad he most fear's he gonna give,
him a few dig's he wonder's in this moment if,
he should just run away,
why has daddy got a gun eh,
all you see is his body drop, as the gun popped,
now he seem's shocked is this a dream it's got,
to be, for the first time he care's but only for himself,
it's a sad story worst thing is the mother, the whore won't help,

:unsure:
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"Believe me, BET and MTV
Are gonna grieve when we leave, dawg fo sheezy
Can't leave rap alone the game needs me"
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Re: Sad Consquence

Postby classthe_king » Oct 29th, '09, 15:29

I like the vivid story telling. You need to work on your structure though, it will help the flow, and your rhymes.
You think your personal attacks make up for what you lack?
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Re: Sad Consquence

Postby eminemgirl1234 » Oct 29th, '09, 15:45

classthe_king wrote:I like the vivid story telling. You need to work on your structure though, it will help the flow, and your rhymes.


Yeah, what he said.
"Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Déjà Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I can't and I wont say I tried but I know that's a lie cuz I don't,
and why I just don't know...

Malina a.k.a Mickey

"Ignorance is your new best friend!"-Paramore
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Re: Sad Consquence

Postby Rain Matrix » Oct 29th, '09, 20:36

everything was there but the structure... the shortcut line seemed a little forced too
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