my second try^^!!!need feed plz

[°[~CHR!$~]°]

yo lets get party im my crip//
sippin juice and gin//goin spin//
like everbody suckin shit//
and nothin goes wrong//untill somone walks in ur house drunk//
and he fell ova a bottle of gin//some kickin him and he get rip//
so no one help him everbody watch//thats fuckin sucks//
cuz u never know when u need help to ur own




please give feed!!!!
open fo all opinions

[C-Game]

nice stuff since ur a beginner man

o and bro these belong in the Creative Writing section
anwyay

here goes
a lil structure boost is required
and man some of the rhymes
all are one syllable rhymes
if u can make ur stuff more complex and add more rhymes it wld be kool
use multies
but if multies take away the meanin ( which leads to forced mutlies ) then dont put them
and if u decide to battle u gotta work on ur vocab

of course u will be needin punches as well

so man work on those areas and ur good to go