Stream of Unconsciousness: Daren Winch
What you are about to read is simply thoughts, ideas, discussions, actual conversations, mixed with some nonsense and bullshit, all meant to be humorous. You should know that all of this is taken from real accounts, nothing in here is false. All conversations, all circumstances, and all situations are accurate, obviously with a little opinion. I have lead a pretty kick ass life and I find nothing better than to share what I have been through and what has been shared with me to everyone.
Remember, not everything in here has happened to me, this should be highly noted, as some stories will be, the majority probably will not, although I’m writing the introduction first this may change as I write. All names in here are real people, and if I use your name you can calm your ass down, cause this will probably be read by a shitload of people, and therefore, I’m making your ass famous. And for everyone who was wondering, Word did not do the little red squiggly line for “shitload”, so apparently this is an actual word. With that said, know that when I use someone’s name it will never be directed at a story or tale of anything (yes it will), so yeah try and sue me. But seriously don’t sue me.
I will also add random, well not random per say even though they may seem to be, internet talk. This may come from a forum or from me talking to someone on AIM. If it is an actual conversation I you will be able to tell, as there will be two designated speakers, and words that they have typed. I hope I cleared up what constitutes a conversation.
I guess the whole point of this is to be funny, but I know some of the things I will talk about should provoke some serious thought. I expect the reader to decipher if what I’m talking about is just meant to be funny, or is actually something worth looking into.
And since I’m a rapper, I might even share some rhymes, go through my old songs saved on here and share them if I find them funny and worthy of this awesome book. So yeah, every rhyme in here is mine. Also, if you happen to notice that words rhyme randomly in my sentences, it probably was not random but not done consciously because I am that good, or great, or clever, or really annoying. I’ll let you decide.
Enjoy
-Daren
Chapter 1: Progress
So I forget to use shampoo in the shower. I didn’t think it was possible to forget something you have done so often, but yes, it happened. So I thought to myself, do I get back in? Well that’s not exactly what happened after I realized my fault, so I guess it’s a lie, but it still happened if that makes sense. So yeah, I’m doing great.
I decided today that it’s possible my dog is actually a Green Beret, or in the Green Beret. I am not totally sure if you become one or you enter into a team of Green Beret’s. All I know is she is definitely showing signs she at least knows what they are. It started a few days ago, when I was sitting down and she entered the room, adorable as always. Then she did something I never saw her do, she sort of army crawled towards me, she got down on her stomach with her hind legs parallel to the ground and crawled towards me using only her front legs. Is there a word for front legs like there is for back legs? Anyway, I took it for what it obviously was, my dog in stealth mode. There were three other recent activities that had red flags going up, but I don’t have time right now to get into all of that, it’ll come later. That’s what she said.
What I have time to talk about is that which, wait. Actually, if you read that line, which you must have if you’ve made it to this one, then you should have probably thought to yourself, how does he not have time? He is writing a book (and most likely an award winning book) and he does not have time? Shit, it’s only the first chapter why the hell doesn’t he have time? I guess that’s a moot point, but a point nonetheless. Me-1 You- 0, in case you’re keeping score at home.
I feel like that last paragraph may have been a waste of your time, but since I’m the writer, I’m obviously taking full advantage of my time, so stop complaining.
One thing that has always baffled me, to the extent that I have been involved in easily hundreds of review sessions: are women. Now, I understand completely that men are no easy task, or, well I’ll move on. I feel like the conversations I have had always start with seriousness, complete anger and confusion, usually involving at least one point where both men raise their voice. Then, somewhere along the line it becomes sort of a comedy session, usually involving funny stories or just a complete series of comments about the dumb situations we have been in. And that is where I have concluded that it’s possible the good in women is the fun we have laughing about each others woes. Now you should know that I fully believe the confusion highly outweighs the few laughs we get, but at the same time, have also concluded that the phrase “I’ll have the last laugh” started during a break up and clearly stated by the male.
Now that that is all cleared up I’d like to discuss being crazy. I’ll first say that there will be more to come on men and women, as I know that subject is the most thought provoking. Now, back to being crazy, pun intended. Over the years I feel like this definition, at least in my mind has changed, and as each day passes, changes more rapidly. See crazy used to be the guy on the news who held up a gas station with a cop in the parking lot, because that’s crazy. As I wrote that I actually realized crazy can often easily be swapped with funny and the sentence would still make perfect sense.
So that was crazy then, but what’s crazy now is not even close, in fact, it has very much expanded throughout our society. For instance, MTV no longer plays music videos; they do not even have TRL anymore. See that’s crazy. Seriously, I understand that might seem like a bad pick for my new definition, but think about it, a television station network called music television no longer plays music. That shits insane.
Let me move on with this, I feel like I need to go a little more in depth and get to the point, let’s think of that previous analogy as a warm up or a light stretch if you will. Let’s talk about the fact that there once was a broken garage door. Now this garage door was on a home, a home occupied by a married couple, who for lack of time and synonyms for unstable had an unstable marriage. Now this garage door broke, as in, it no longer worked. Stay with me here as I refer to the couple as person A and person B. Person A decided that they should not have to pay to have it fixed, but that person B should pay for it. Person B said fuck that shit and refused to pay. So Person A and B, for roughly nine months, parked in the driveway. One day Person B has their remote garage door opener suspiciously “removed” from their car, not to be found. Two days later Person A has springs fixed on the door, and makes it accessible, but only through lifting it by hand. Person A parks in the garage. Person B, without knowledge of the doors accessibility, parks in the driveway, until they realize Person B has parked in the garage. Person B then parks in the middle of the driveway. I’m curious now if the word crazy was defined by an outsider after witnessing a similar situation.
Person A and person B in that story can also work well if you referred to them as mom and dad, well, at least if you're me. Yes, you get it now, I hate me life.
That example was truly what crazy means. As I see how people are these days, I honestly feel that the majority of people are crazy. Now I know you’re like ‘Shit, Daren, really? How do did you derive such a conclusion?’ Well, think about it people, if you do crazy things, how are you not crazy? If you say crazy things, do you not sound crazy? So this got me to thinking even more. Since I have concluded this, that most people are crazy, as so many say and do such crazy things, that crazy has now become normal and normal is now viewed as crazy. Forty years ago a music video with barely clothed women and lyrics regarding very sexually explicit content would be crazy, no one would do that, not to mention the fact it would never get aired. But now, we think a music video with fully clothed women and lyrics about taking a girl on a date and buying her flowers is crazy, so I rest my case. I’m normal.
What if the person who defined sane was crazy?
That’s deep.
That’s what she said.
smash immunity (1:42:31 AM): do u know her?
Roughryderz10 (1:42:30 AM): dont know her
If you didn't realize why that little conversation section there was funny, look again.
Look at the time-stamp!
There is a strip joint in the area I live called Pleasure Dome. I feel like the name they chose was sexual overkill. Any man who sees the place will probably realize they want to have sex now and not pay to have girls they cannot touch dance naked for them. This is meant strictly for unmarried men, married men know and will realize going in will be more than they would get at home. Sadly, it is probably cheaper as well.
I love nothing more than talking to someone online when they are drunk, because you can say crazy shit and just see how they respond, for example:
Roughryderz10: I do right now cause I’m a badass wolf ready to pounce people at any minute
Anonymous Girl: YES
Roughryderz10: of course sometimes I feel more like a wolverine and I want to pounce and eat people
Roughryderz10: and rarely I’ll feel less wolf-like and I’ll just sit and wait, but never pounce
Anonymous Girl: I don’t like the sound of that
Roughryderz10: yeah see that’s why it’s rare
Roughryderz10: some people like to call what I do "sleeping"
Anonymous Girl: like a sheep
I think that the most frequent lie told is “I love you”. That’s most likely true but not funny. That just kind of came to me and I thought I’d share, except like I said, it does not fit in here because it’s actually sad and not funny at all. But please do not worry this will not end up in the book.
I feel like the first anal sex happened during a positioning malfunction. This makes me consider two options: Were they married or unmarried? I guess this question answers itself, also signifying that he most likely did some sort of chore during the day.
People often say that a child will grow up to be like their parents, boys like their father and girls like their mother. This is usually brought up when relations mature, people will say if you plan on marrying him/her remember to know how their mother or father are, because one day they’ll probably be the same person. I think this is the biggest load of bullshit, but not for the idea that I think it’s untrue. It’s just, I don’t want to look at my girlfriend’s mother and think one day when we have a child, if it’s a girl, that the child will be my wife.
Reread the last paragraph and think hard, I know that whole idea most likely went over your head, which is good because it is kind of creepy to think about.
I’m sure some people reading this are thinking I have too much free time. As I think about you thinking this, I realize time is free for everyone, not just I. Never once was I summoned by a creditor telling me I haven’t made payments on time. Haven’t made my payments on time, interesting. I feel like that was predestined.
Since I rap, I usually think of interesting stuff involving the English language. This usually occurs when I’m trying to work with wordplay or a metaphor. For those who do not know what wordplay is in rap music, it’s basically using a word or phrase to mean something else using the sound of words more often than not. For example, a line from one of my songs, “I’ll let bygones be bygones so long be bye gone”. So the other day I thought of cents and sense, but then realized there’s another one, scents. I hope one day I’m able to figure out how to use these words in a song and have it make sense. Make sense. Again. Convenient.
Titty fucking is to me the biggest proof of how intelligent we are as men. One day some guys were probably sitting around and one brought up the point that there are no more holes to stick their dick into, and then they came up with a solution. Men are problem solvers; this may be why a woman has never been president.
I think it’s somewhat ironic, or iconic, I guess depends on how good of a speller I am, that as a society we have found it necessary to invent energy drinks and sleep aides. Now, obviously I have been so inclined to take advantage of these fine products, but last night had me thinking about it more in depth. I understand that people use these products very often and that they are very common in our culture. When I got to thinking though, I could not for the life of me understand how we use both of them. Like I previously stated, I have used both. So why do I need to sleep and stay awake? I don’t understand how it is that you can utilize both products, since you either want to sleep or stay awake, and that there is no other option. We can only be awake or asleep, there is no alternative. So why are we trying so hard to do the two things we already do all the time naturally? That is just like taking an aide for typing with your right hand and a drink to type with your left hand. Every time you type you will obviously use one hand (I know 99% of people type with both hands, just follow me here) or the other hand, there is no alternative. As I write this though I realize there is another option beyond being asleep and being awake and that’s death. I have heard the saying ‘sleep is the cousin of death’ so now I’m going to just assume people who take sleep aides have family issues and those who take energy drinks are thirsty. Damn, sometimes I wonder where my mind is half the time.
For anyone who believes that Tupac is still alive, I think you are stupid. When I talked to him a few days ago he agreed on my thoughts about this whole “conspiracy” thing.
keriiboberii (8:40:48 PM): tomorrows another day
Roughryderz10 (8:40:57 PM): yeah until its night
Chapter 2: Economics
So tomorrow never comes, I can live with that. What I cannot live with though is the idea that yesterday, today, and tomorrow are such a mindfuck. See the red squiggly came up for mindfuck, where it did not for shitload, hmm. I added it to the dictionary in Word therefore it is now a word. Anyway, think about this for a minute, these three words create quite a mental ruckus. Tomorrow never comes, because when it’s “tomorrow” it is actually today. Which means tomorrow, today is yesterday. That sentence, the one you just read, literally you just read it, that is one kick ass sentence, confusing I know, but probably the best sentence you have ever read. Bask in it baby.
Forum Post: They should make it to where people with less money can buy more expensive stuff so that we can be equal to people with more money.
Forum Post Response: It's called welfare.
So I’m writing this book right? Yeah, well, as I do so a woman who will remain nameless, but I’ll refer to as “Mom” is watching television. Now it was just a commercial, and I have no fucking clue what or who was in the commercial, but she says, “Every time he says he’s Tom Cruise I think of…” and she stops so I say, “Tom Cruise?” She replied “Yeah”.
I just lost the game.
You just lost the game.
If you don’t know the game you did not lose.
When you learn the rules, if you read this again, you will have lost. So you’re options are A) Continue reading and never look further into the game B) Look further into the game, know the rules, and lose if you read this again C) Pretend this never happened.
sabochris: she was like "yeah we didnt actually call them all by names, just insurance man and crane man and repair man"
sabochris: I was like "mom, do you notice the only constant in what you just said?"
sabochris: she had no idea
sabochris: but the answer is "man"
Roughryderz10: see I feel like she may possibly have been unfamiliar with the word "constant", perhaps she had worked with variables earlier in the day
sabochris: yeah
Roughryderz10: or she was straight lost
sabochris: idk if she didnt know the answer, or didn't understand the question.
So I just read a conversation I had between me and a girl. Now, this was one big complicated mess, which means it could have been any girl I have ever talked to. Anyway, as I read it I realized I’m basically an idiot.
So I just read the last paragraph and realized that she is just insane, which lead me to be confused, and eventually made me call myself an idiot. I’m sure glad I resolved that issue.
One day in the dorms late at night Jamal and I decided to have some fun with AIM. I have access to a girls screen name, and with her permission she said we could mess with anyone we wanted to on her buddy list, so we decided it’d be funny to talk to a guy, who will obviously think we are the girl whose screen name we were using, and mess with him about having sex (She did not know that were going to talk about having sex with this kid, although I think it would be implied. How else would this whole thing become funny, honestly?). So we made it interesting and had a great plan to save the girl when it was all over so she did not look like a whore. Anyway, after about thirty minutes of trying to get him to have sex with this girl, we eventually decided it was time to lie more and say it was this girl’s sister (the save), who we said was fourteen. Now, she didn’t have a sister, which made it even funnier, but it was at this point we received the oddest response possibly ever during an AIM conversation.
After we said we were her sister and that her sister was fourteen, we began to tell this kid that we now wanted to have sex with him. Wrong? Maybe. Hilarious? It gets better. After we say we want to have sex he continues to say that’s not smart to throw yourself at guys, to wait for a guy you’re dating, etc. This kid obviously was a good guy. Then we decided it would be funny to say that she, the fourteen year old who was just asking him for sex, wanted to get HIV, pretending like we were told it was a good thing.To which he responded, and I quote: the hiv is something that leads to death and a lot of money.
This kid went from a genuinely good guy, someone his girlfriend can trust, a kid willing to take the time after he thought he was fooled by a fourteen year old girl to tell her that sleeping around is a bad thing, to someone who does not know anything. Yes HIV leads to death, but first it leads to AIDS, so he was on track there. Since when though does contracting HIV lead to lots of money? What he must have meant to say was that contracting HIV will lead to high expenses for treatment, but he did not say that, so let’s look at the two options that go along with what he said: 1) That it costs a lot of money but for what? The funeral? You’re dead; you don’t have to pay for shit. 2) He actually believes you receive lots of money when you contract HIV. Again, who cares? His point is useless because you’ll be DEAD. Damn, the shit me and Jamal got into with this, oh my.
Side note, we did this to another kid the next day. He wanted to have sex and we almost got him to drive a half hour. That’d of been weird, to show up at one in the morning to a parking lot to have sex and have no one there. Now you might wonder how we planned to make that work because he’d be suspicious. I’m sure by now you know I’m a pretty clever man, so I knew to give him my cell phone number, to which he would think is hers obviously. We probably would have made up the funniest story why we did not make it out, but he never left his house. I’m not sure if he had said he was leaving if we would have told him the joke or not, maybe next semester we will talk to him again.
Pat Johnston asked if he would get his name dropped this book. I said no to his request.
I have come to accept something about love, that if love were a person it would have only four senses: touch, smell, hearing, and taste.
I consume 5,000 calories a day and for the most part am the exact same weight I was two years ago. People hate me. Girls despise me (not only for this). Everyone yells at me because they eat half that and gain weight but don’t want to. This makes me laugh. This was put in the book for my own humor. At one point in time I read this and laughed.
Anonymous 1: everyone is telling this girl to show her tits
Anonymous 1: but she didn’t
Anonymous 1: what a bitch
Anonymous 2: mhm
Anonymous 1: needs to GTFO then
Phil keeps two dollar bills in his wallet. So we are at McDonald’s, and he only has a few bucks, he mentions how he doesn’t want to use the two dollar bills. I then ask him why he keeps them in his wallet, to which he responded about them being “lucky”. I asked him how lucky they made him, he said since he put them in his wallet he has not been shot. Intriguing.
Forum Post: shits weak man...We need to start killing anti-drug people starting with that talking dog who always tells me he's disappointed. Fucking cunt dog
I feel like a creeper when I add a friend on facebook only because it is some hot ass chick that I have a few mutual friends with. Then I realize, as Kobus confirms via AIM, that she is hot so honestly it’s the right decision. I’m merely doing the responsible thing.
The only way to know if you take a really good shit is if you have to take a shower afterwards. I like to think of that as the reward for being all I can be.
sabochris: I’m actually stealing software
sabochris: we're talking years of jail time for intellectual property violations
Roughryderz10: the question is, since I'm Daren Winch, if I’d be able to talk to the judge and get you to do your time at the Lehigh county jail so I could swing by a few times a week to say hi and possibly lift with you and the other inmates?
sabochris: yeah
sabochris: but you could just as easily get me out
sabochris: you're a get out of __________ free card
sabochris: insert whatever bullshit life throws at you
Roughryderz10: hmm interesting
Roughryderz10: so it's kinda like, a girl says "no i really don't feel like sucking dick tonight" and i can pull that card and insert another girl?
sabochris: if you want
sabochris: you can change her mind if you want
sabochris: you can make your dick suck her if you really wanted to
Roughryderz10: hmm so depends how good looking she is
sabochris: you can do anything you put your mind to
You ever try to spell a word? Ok good. So you probably have tried to spell a word, got about three letters into it and realized you really have no idea at all how to spell it. Sometimes I know it went further did it not? You grab a dictionary all ready to say “yeah motherfucker I knew you could be spelled” and then you realize that you cannot even put enough of the right letters together to find the word. Goddamn that’s a bitch. Cowlastenics. Coulistenics. Coullestenics. Calestenics. Callistenics. Calisthenics. Bingo.
Is “figure of speech” considered a figure of speech?
If I hated juice would that make me an anti-Semite?
Chapter 3: Whiplash is a bitch!
sabochris (5:50:26 PM): well it's for if I accidently ordered a minotaur instead of a monitor
If everyone always said what was on their mind and nobody ever lied this world would be a lot more interesting.
I was just told by Sama that since I am talented at the music I do that I am able to express myself in way most others would not. For instance, if I really hated a girl and thought about killing her I would be able to put it into a song describing everything like the song “Kim” and it would be alright because I was expressing myself artistically. I feel like this is a freedom of speech and assault loophole, which is cool, because for years I have been searching for a loophole like this.
I was often told that men are only really friends with girls they would have sex with and that girls are only really friends with guys they would have sex with. When my professor said this, I thought to myself that what he was saying was somewhat retarded, because when he did I thought to myself “yeah right, like every girl I’m friends with I would definitely sleep with”. Then I thought about my friends and realized that what he said was about 95% accurate. So guys are thinking in their minds about their girl friends and thinking “fuck yeah, there’s a roughly 95% chance that she wants to have sex”. I feel like this is a victory for men everywhere. I’m glad I could record the assist for that basket.
gumbymulandy (4:52:26 PM): dog gumbymulandy (4:52:32 PM): my fucking screen name won’t sign on
gumbymulandy (4:52:39 PM): this is Obama’s fault entirely
This girl I know dates a kid who looks like a pedophile. I only bring this up because if she is reading this and it has crossed her mind that I’m talking about her boyfriend then I just proved he does look like a pedophile. How do you feel now that you have just realized you’re dating someone who looks like they touch children and enjoy doing so? You don’t feel so good, that’s a shame, but blame your screening process. Somewhere when you became interested in him never once did you ask yourself if you thought it was okay to date those who look like they rape little boys and girls, therefore you failed…epically.
Some people like to use the phrase, “sometimes you have to learn things the hard way”. I personally feel like these people are assholes.
Forum Post: The plan for the next couple consecutive years of my life is simple. I will have as much fun, and take as many hallucinogens as possible. I will enjoy my life. And whereupon achieving or failing that, I will commit suicide. End it on a good note. I intend in no way to leave a legacy or a story behind. From here on out I'm living for my own self-pleasing purposes. My hair will be shaved and my head will be bald. I will enjoy walking around with as few clothes as is socially acceptable. I will push the boundaries of social acceptance. I will break the boundaries of moral acceptance. And I will enjoy doing it. I will not fuck up, I will not go to jail, I will not break any major laws. To begin this plan I will need the sum of my inheritance cash from my grandmother's death and I will want a new vehicle, for the sole purpose of achieving more pleasure. Yes, I speak of pleasure a lot, but have never mentioned anything sexual. In all my experience sex isn't as enjoyable as it was always hyped up to be. I'm sure that will change on narcotics. But with my head shaved I highly doubt that a sexual experience is going to happen. I would probably look atrocious. Actually I've never had homosexual urges, but I might give it a try. At this point anything sounds interesting. I'm a 17 year old male, and up to this point I've failed miserably at life.
Forum Post Response: You and I do indeed think a lot alike.
Roughryderz10 (9:38:26 PM): she wasn’t naked thou
sabochris (9:38:33 PM): she wasn’t
Roughryderz10 (9:38:40 PM): yeah she wasn’t
Roughryderz10 (9:39:14 PM): she was gorgeous as hell with nice tits, but she wasn’t naked
sabochris (9:39:31 PM): mhm
sabochris (9:39:33 PM): there was face too
I often hear people say that someone spends way too much time on facebook. How else would they conclude this other than seeing them signed onto to facebook? That only can be done when you yourself are signed on. Therefore anyone who says that is also saying the same thing about themselves…idiots.
I love when people try to fool others. For instance, porn that describes the girl as a virgin. Really? Who the fuck do they think they’re fooling?
Back to the Darla. In the first chapter I talked about Chris and I having discussions about her being in the Green Beret. I had described the army crawl but neglected to mention the other three red flags: her playing dead randomly, her attempt to hide herself in high grass, and the one time she sat at the top of the stairs in the dark and did not turn on the light (eaves dropping). So today she made it very obvious she was secretly planning some sort of cooperative mission against me or my family. So I’m down at my neighbor’s house talking to their granddaughter Abby outside on the porch. All of a sudden Darla comes strolling down silently. As we go up to inspect how it was she got outside, we notice she has somehow cut out a perfect square in the screen door. Now, this in itself is highly suspicious, but also add to this the fact that the section she cut out was on the inside. I believe that now she is not only out to get me but she may also have opposable thumbs; something she has pretended to not have for over three years now.
So I send Brandon (King) Lesko this rhyme via text: “Been crazy for this music having lots to rhyme, never gave quitting a second thought since I lost my mind” to which he responded “If that was a dick girls would suck it”. So after thinking about that I realize my rhymes can never be my penis. As I looked further into the matter I concluded that I should really try to do this, but how you may wonder, I would teach my dick to rhyme. Yes, I teach my dick to rhyme, that’s what I just said. So I tell King my idea and he responds telling me when I “shoot my load” my penis would instead spit a verse. What an interesting thought he has there. After he mentions this I then begin to really think about trying this. So as I contemplate this whole situation I eventually decide that I should pursue it realizing that if I were to give her a facial it would actually, for the most part, be a concert. So I tell him about that and he again comes up with a great strategy if I were to successfully do this; I could then make porno’s in CD format. I guess genius like this is why I refer to him as King.
I once decided to make a list of the pros and cons of the National Football League until I realized that it made no sense for me to do that. Even though I never made the list, I did conclude that when a player is drafted, his near future will make him a pro and in the later future he will become a con.
sabochris (9:53:10 PM): dude this lesbian group is locked
sabochris (9:53:11 PM): i cant get in
sabochris (9:53:17 PM): bitches are keepin me from seeing bitches!
I’m starting to think that the term “bathing suit” implies at one point in time people used to bath and/or shower in an actually suit. Mindfuck.
I’m starting to think that. I’m starting to think that this. I’m starting to think that this got. I’m starting to think that this got annoying.
If you find the word “offensive” offensive does it just cancel out? I guess this is similar to the phrase “two wrongs don’t make a right”, but I could be wrong.
I cannot be wrong.
The television likes to show live events because they like to promote living.
It’s hard to look at woman because all that comes to mind is “damn, she once a dick IN her mouth”. It’s such a downer. Unless it was yours I suppose.
Which is more scripted, porn or professional wrestling?
I have always heard that after a couple gets married their sex lives decreased exponentially. Now when I hear the groom postponed the wedding why he choice to. Also, if the wedding was called off, it had to be because he realized postponing it again would get him stabbed.
I want to get stabbed before I die. I know, I know it will hurt, but I think being able to tell people I’ve been shanked is worth it. Yeah, definitely worth it.
