2nd verse I've wrote, followed all the advice!

[robollama]

OK, Finally came up with a rap name it'll be Dr. T lol. Anyways here's my second verse, tried to structure it better and have it be more connected and flow better. It's my 2nd verse I've ever wrote so don't slam me too hard lol Also, the words are supposed to get a bit jumbled in a couple places before i say why they are like that, but the flow in general isn't intentionally choppy, that's just cause I suck at rap lol

****flow's supposed to be pretty slow through here
I wonder where I steered off, where it was I when I went wrong,
When I shoulda veered, what fork I skipped, which turn what prong,
It’s like my life’s stuck on a string, I can’t move just left to stare,
I couldn’t give a fuck, I see through everything but into nowhere,
I’m all outta luck my worlds glass, bereft no hope I see only my reflection,
A whole different class, I left can’t cope all I got is introspection,
I mean, I’m thinking, things I shouldn’t have thought, lost my train,
I’m thinking I seen it fall off the tracks but it left none lost in my brain,
Yeah my mind was driving and where it stops, nobody knows my pain,
It’s only mine to feel, it’s not your fault it’s me I’m not the same, ****flow faster on part below
I’m not like these sheep I’m sorta sayin’ my lines are deep, club shits not mine,
It’s not me, thoughts are my yeah sometimes outta order they travel in time,
That means my lines are timeless, I’m made for music, when I-rhyme-then-time stops,
Piano feet arms of treble, the speed grows, then legs move when-the-bass knocks,
The drum beats in my chest, my flow goes, and then I rhyme-in-the-right spot,
It’s easy to thread-quick tight lyrics, man this shit just clicks, I’m quite serious,
I’m queasy heads light psycho sick my sight’s white, yeah I’m quite delirious,
Man this shits light, its real strife where I’m not right, I said its real life that I can’t fight



Give me some tips! Comment! Critique! Let me know what shit I did wrong and where or something IDK

[Requiem]

the flow was much improved and the multies were there. It's still a little awkward to rap, and it does seem poetic. my advice, try writing to a beat so u can constantly flow ur lines to it and see if it works.
also, it seems like u mesh too many words onto one line. maybe take it down a notch.

other than that the metaphors and rhymes were tight man. same time next year u could be ownin this shit

[classthe_king]

the flow was much improved and the multies were there. It's still a little awkward to rap, and it does seem poetic. my advice, try writing to a beat so u can constantly flow ur lines to it and see if it works.
also, it seems like u mesh too many words onto one line. maybe take it down a notch.

other than that the metaphors and rhymes were tight man. same time next year u could be ownin this shit

what he said

Make your lines shorter, its easier to flow to

[robollama]

the flow was much improved and the multies were there. It's still a little awkward to rap, and it does seem poetic. my advice, try writing to a beat so u can constantly flow ur lines to it and see if it works.
also, it seems like u mesh too many words onto one line. maybe take it down a notch.

other than that the metaphors and rhymes were tight man. same time next year u could be ownin this shit

thanks a ton man

yeah I guess i keep trying to cram so much into every line that it's bringing it down, you and king are right

btw: new song was FIRE! Chorus and outro were both absolutely perfect!! Seemed pro except in a couple of places were you really couldn't understand what were saying.


edit: and yeah the flow is trash I agree

[Requiem]

the flow was much improved and the multies were there. It's still a little awkward to rap, and it does seem poetic. my advice, try writing to a beat so u can constantly flow ur lines to it and see if it works.
also, it seems like u mesh too many words onto one line. maybe take it down a notch.

other than that the metaphors and rhymes were tight man. same time next year u could be ownin this shit

thanks a ton man

yeah I guess i keep trying to cram so much into every line that it's bringing it down, you and king are right

btw: new song was FIRE! Chorus and outro were both absolutely perfect!! Seemed pro except in a couple of places were you really couldn't understand what were saying.


edit: and yeah the flow is trash I agree

thx man! and now begins TR wondering wtf you're talking about. cuz it aint gonna premiere for a while

[robollama]

the flow was much improved and the multies were there. It's still a little awkward to rap, and it does seem poetic. my advice, try writing to a beat so u can constantly flow ur lines to it and see if it works.
also, it seems like u mesh too many words onto one line. maybe take it down a notch.

other than that the metaphors and rhymes were tight man. same time next year u could be ownin this shit

thanks a ton man

yeah I guess i keep trying to cram so much into every line that it's bringing it down, you and king are right

btw: new song was FIRE! Chorus and outro were both absolutely perfect!! Seemed pro except in a couple of places were you really couldn't understand what were saying.


edit: and yeah the flow is trash I agree

thx man! and now begins TR wondering wtf you're talking about. cuz it aint gonna premiere for a while

hahaha yeah man still got a long way to go with that project. like i said tho my fav song of yours yet