Wrote 2 verses with all your advice

by **robollama** » Jan 19th, '10, 04:12

Just started writing last week so don't go too hard on me. Let me know what needs improving and these 2 verses aren't for the same song or anything, just 2 I wrote.

Scratch the rap out, put down my pen and grab a mic,
I clash with the best, when my thoughts n sounds combine,
You laugh and then it’s like your foot just founds a mine,
Like don’t you dare, I’ll suck your baby mommas tit,
Bite pull her hair and fuck your ladys mommas clit,
Grab her dog and wait no (haha) I’m not quite that sick,
It’s only fair I said I'm bout at your place with her mother,
Almost there my heads mounted, my face is smothered,
Look I'm sorry! I had to share it was stuck up in my head,
Look on Maurie! I said she wouldn’t even suck the head,
Implyin shit but it’s not me, I said shes a spy shes stalkin,
Like bitch I'm tryin to pee! Why you comin up in my stall talkin,
Start cryin about her tits on the tv, said dr.t lacks expertise,
Your lyin you climbed the wall and fell back on your knees,
Hack please, mouth flyin you asked about your uneven tits,
Sighin’ I told you stop tryin get lost, you dumb schmuck you must,
Be joking, you flyin’ scum succubus why would I ever say that shit,
Nope no luck ya puss, It’s unreal like I’d ever really squeal,
Let’s have us a looksies! Oh-ho! I’ll hafta feel n squeeze!,
A scuffed up dumb witch she’s rude, a stuck up snitchin’ prude,
Yeah I said it now chick get nude, bitch I’m cravin for food,
This empty-headed rich trick’s without a clue,
Now get in my kitchen, yeah I said I’m itchin for stew

When I write I lose track,
Mix up the day and night,
How can I stop it I might,
Hafta ask Father Time to fight,
Like where’s my hours give em back,
Mother Nature’s bothered or spite-,
Ful shes gone sour and old jack,
Frost is heated mad gunna ignite,
If it’s a fee then sure alright,
Here my moneys in the sack,
Lady luck wants me to buy back,
Yeah or get fucked on her back,
I’ll give that ass a smack,
Dollar bill in the ass crack,
I lost a week for this track,
Gotta buy my damn minutes,
Like my lifes ran by sprint it’s,
Service sucks yea I get no spotlight,
No fame guess theres no bars for my life,
They should see the shit that I write,
Good bars out the ass if I recite,
No it’s real bars of shit it’s quite,
The sight, they smack down so fast,
They splash up water I go attack,
The toilet like this shits my last

by **Fa-Q** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:16

Well if your just starting out, its great. Great structure...which I didn't have when I started out. Good structure in the first at least, the second just needed the lines longer...oh and your vocab needs a bit of improvement...but forealz good start...keep it up

by **robollama** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:33

Fa-Q wrote:Well if your just starting out, its great. Great structure...which I didn't have when I started out. Good structure in the first at least, the second just needed the lines longer...oh and your vocab needs a bit of improvement...but forealz good start...keep it up

thanks and yeah i think these are my 4th and 5th verses I've ever wrote. I'm confused now though :sweating:

since on my other ones everyone said good vocab but lines are too long and bad structure. Now you're saying literally the exact opposite with bad vocab and lines are too short but good structure :confusion:

by **Fa-Q** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:36

Do structure like the first verse not like the second...and vocab isn't bad just try to improve on it...ya know

by **robollama** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:41

Fa-Q wrote:Do structure like the first verse not like the second...and vocab isn't bad just try to improve on it...ya know

oh alright thanks :y:

from now on all my verses will have structure similar to the 1st haha

also, idk I guess you forgot but you posted feedback on the 1st verse I wrote so IDK why you said it's good if I'm starting out. :confusion:

by **Fa-Q** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:43

Well you said this is one of your first verses so I mean you're still "starting out" so to speak...you know

how long have you been writing

by **robollama** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:45

Fa-Q wrote:Well you said this is one of your first verses so I mean you're still "starting out" so to speak...you know how long have you been writing

5 days, 6 if you include today

by **Fa-Q** » Jan 19th, '10, 05:51

Fuck:o

by **robollama** » Jan 20th, '10, 01:56

by **2sDay** » Jan 20th, '10, 01:59

How old are u?

by **robollama** » Jan 20th, '10, 02:20

2sDay wrote:How old are u?

18 why?

by **2sDay** » Jan 20th, '10, 02:36

robollama wrote:
2sDay wrote:How old are u?

18 why?

lol just asking cuz if u were 13 like me i was gonna drop dead....
cuz this is pretty good for ur 3rd or 4th verse :y:

by **robollama** » Jan 20th, '10, 03:05

2sDay wrote:
robollama wrote:
2sDay wrote:How old are u?

18 why?

lol just asking cuz if u were 13 like me i was gonna drop dead....
cuz this is pretty good for ur 3rd or 4th verse

Hahaha thanks, I keep hearing that with every verse I put on here.

I'm trying to make sure I fix what people tell me I did wrong whenever I write a new one. So thanks for the motivation!! :y:

Wrote 2 verses with all your advice

Wrote 2 verses with all your advice

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Re: Wrote 2 verses with all your advice

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