Waiting (second verse added)

[Medicine Ball]

I've spent hours on buses and travelling the street
Just waiting for a beauty to break my routine
I guess I was that guy, just waiting for love
And waiting for an angel to make way from above
I walk in the dark and I walk in the light
I've been walking this path nearly all of my life
And I've never had the same girl calling me twice
Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my mind
'Cause I'm getting so tired of looking over my shoulder
Only to see nothing and no one, it's colder
Living this life with no one right next to me
I'm starting to fear, that "Lonely's" my destiny ..
I see the same buildings and I see the same men
I see the same girls and I see the same pen
Nothing ever changes, in this game play
All I want is a beauty to tap my shoulder and say .... "Hey"

i search and i search like i'm a magnifying glass
i can never find love, but man i'm trying hard
i'm soft and romantic, i have a kind heart
it's got me feeling dizzy like i've had some wine fast
in a corner, reminiscent of my asinine past
running with scissors .. a dagger, five darts
yet i still can't cut it, stab or grab a fine spark
between me and another lass, it's mad, i find dark.
when i'm looking for light, i don't have the right stars
to guide me toward her, i feel like giving up
my lungs are splitting up, and the blood is spitting up
i've gotten to the point where my lungs are in a cup
and my heart is in a jar and my brain is in a lab
slouched in the street, i listen to the rain, it hits the slabs
with every drop landing, i lose understanding
this life is so demanding, i'm left here empty handed ..

[mcZu]

You have talent, I like it. It's not great, but it's definitely good.

[Medicine Ball]

You have talent, I like it. It's not great, but it's definitely good.

what would make it great? looking for advice here

[mcZu]

Up your rhyme scheme, multies, internal rhyming and abstract rhyming. Metaphors, wordplay, puns and punchlines. Up your vocabulary, try some nameplay while you're at it.

Just some things you could work on.

[Medicine Ball]

Up your rhyme scheme, multies, internal rhyming and abstract rhyming. Metaphors, wordplay, puns and punchlines. Up your vocabulary, try some nameplay while you're at it.

Just some things you could work on.

dude it's a love song .. i'm not trying to bamboozle the readers.

thanks for the advice though lol.

[mcZu]

Being a love song doesn't mean it has to be simple, if you can utilize those tools while conveying your message, well then you can call yourself a great writer.

And you're welcome.

[Medicine Ball]

Being a love song doesn't mean it has to be simple, if you can utilize those tools while conveying your message, well then you can call yourself a great writer.

And you're welcome.

true, i will work on another verse tomorrow about the same thing, but i will try and add more of what you've been saying into the song. can i expect you to feed after i do it .. ?

[mcZu]

^Sure, if it takes me too long to feed remind me by PMing me..

[Medicine Ball]

alright, thanks.

[Cam Aura]

agree with mcZu said here

its decent and it looks like you have potential

but need to more creative with it, just my opinion

[Medicine Ball]

added a second verse.