stardom(me and kik)

[shadegirl]

this is me and my home girl kiki song called stardom. its not fully done yet. the chorus isnt done and the 3rd verse isnt finished but we wanted some feedback on it.

verse 1
Kikster
Minds blocked more than my nasal cavity,
Nothin mutha fuhkin coming out,
no matter what i do. scream or shout
throw things punch walls
no matter what ill always stand tall
it's so sad to see,
the once crazy spitter, now a quitter,
such a tragity. But accually
when she's gone she acts so passively,
but soon as that wick blows
the bitch flows so naturally.
When writting I'm connected
so my flow, it gets projected
the beat, it stays protected
til the lyrics come and wreck it
I'm the symphonic cronic on it
sonic rippin through a sonet
promise, leavin you astonished
controling, put you under bondage

2x
We have dreams to make it to stardom
no matter what,we won't give up
2nd time:
we have dreams to make it to stardom
so its time to make the crowd go nuts

Verse 2
Me
Dreams in my head wanting them to come true
but they seem to get spit out like gum that you chew
like who cares about my dreams they a waste of time
who cares about the way i spit. when i rip it in every rhyme
my emotions come out in every line pouring
out like a bottle of wine
i drink down the vodka but it don't take away my pain
depression meds don't help it just gets worse the next day
cutting myself hitting viens blood pouring out
hiding it for days. long sleeves
wish i was a kid again and just had scraped knees
but this is the price you pay to climb to the top
it's a big enough ladder but this is all i got
no matter what ill never give up, never stop
give up, it aint in my vocabulary
my crew like the mafia
a force like constabulary
you gonna see me for a long time
spitting my twisted lines in every rhyme

2x
We have dreams to make it to stardom
no matter what,we won't give up
2nd time:
we have dreams to make it to stardom
so its time to make the crowd go nuts

we still need a chorus and stuff but
we working on it. hope ya'll like it.

[gutawafang]

flows quite good, the second verse.

it's quite good but you didn't stick to the subject which is stardom.

[shadegirl]

thanks

and what you mean? we talking about how we feel cuz we havent reached stardom yet.

[Fa-Q]

I liked both verses but I didn't like her first 4-6, the flow was off and it was hard to read...but good shut

[shadegirl]

thanks. we will keep that in mind. thanks for the feedback

[gutawafang]

thanks

and what you mean? we talking about how we feel cuz we havent reached stardom yet.

The title is too big a subject. I mean, the song you wrote could be improved a lot to suit the title perfectly.

[shadegirl]

like how u mean? give me an example?

[shadegirl]

this is her unedited verse.
cause i edited it since it wasn't fitting good with the beat. it needed more bars. but here is the unedited one.


Kikster
Minds blocked more than my nasal cavity,
Nothin mutha fuhkin coming out,
it's so sad to see,
the once crazy spitter, now a quitter,
such a tragity. But accually
when she's gone she acts so passively,
but soon as that wick blows
the bitch flows so naturally.
When writting I'm connected
so my flow, it gets projected
the beat, it stays protected
til the lyrics come and wreck it
I'm the symphonic cronic on it
sonic rippin through a sonet
promise, leavin you astonished
controling, put you under bondage

[gutawafang]

like how u mean? give me an example?

what i mean is, it could be better if you talk about stardom and only stardom if the title of the song is stardom.

[shadegirl]

oh okay cause sometimes rappers do go off topic. i mean. we still stayed on the topic just not FULLY. i get what your saying. thanks