My First Rap Ever

[Artille]

This is the first rap I ever created. I say created because for a long time I just had it memorized in my head. That is until I joined LilWayneHQ and decided to write it out. I changed some of the things up in that time, but here is my first rap ever. Please leave feedback and constructive criticism.


Money come fast like a runner
I make hits, you're just a one hit wonder
I flow like lightning, and yes I bring the thunder
I'll stop making money when I'm six feet under
...The ground or the road
When I jump on a track, I go beast mode
Drink a lot of syrup, so my flow kinda slowed
...Like a slug or a snail
You pussies can't see me like you fuckin' read braille
Flow retarded like a dog chasin' his tail
Yall fake like you're living in a fairy tale
I succeed, everybody else fail
Yall so stupid, and I'm so Yale
Yea... I'm so smart
Got precision aim at your bullseye like a dart
And that dart sharper than the hair on Bart
I'm the shit, everybody else a fart
And I've been running this game since Mario Kart
I'm out


Feedback?

[Just Silver]

Very impressive for a first rap i can tell its wayne inspired

good job keep it up

[classthe_king]

Stay away from Wayne, listen to good hip hop and you'll get better

[Artille]

Stay away from Wayne, listen to good hip hop and you'll get better

What does that mean? To me, Wayne is the best. Followed by Young Jeezy and then Eminem. So I already listen to GREAT hip hop.

Very impressive for a first rap i can tell its wayne inspired

good job keep it up

Thank you. I have others, but I just wanted to get feedback on this one to see how you guys feel about my style, flow, etc.

[classthe_king]

Stay away from Wayne, listen to good hip hop and you'll get better

What does that mean? To me, Wayne is the best. Followed by Young Jeezy and then Eminem. So I already listen to GREAT hip hop.

Well then thats why right now you suck

[Artille]

Stay away from Wayne, listen to good hip hop and you'll get better

What does that mean? To me, Wayne is the best. Followed by Young Jeezy and then Eminem. So I already listen to GREAT hip hop.

Well then thats why right now you suck

Do you have any constructive criticism? Or are you just going to bash me for the music I listen to?

[Artille]

Very Wayne inspired but hey almost everyone here is Em inspired. It's not that bad for a first piece just
try to diversify and make your own style.

Ok I will try. I will post another one of my actually written verses a little bit later to see what you guys think of that. Because as I said, this was originally a verse in my head.

But thanks for the feedback, hopefully I can develop my own style soon.

[classthe_king]

You need to use multis. And use a transition rhyme when your going onto a new rhyme scheme so that it flows better. Be more creative with your wordplay instead of just saying, your dumb and im yale

[tjb]

not bad more multis would be good
an im not here to bash, but waynes one thing, but jeezy? no man just no
but watev keep at it

[Tunechi]

Dope Rhyme.

[WhatsAnEnigma]

Stay away from Wayne, listen to good hip hop and you'll get better

What does that mean? To me, Wayne is the best. Followed by Young Jeezy and then Eminem. So I already listen to GREAT hip hop.

Well then thats why right now you suck

Wow I'm almost engulfed in shock. I didn't think there'd be a legitimate reason for this smiley , but I've come to realize this is why it's here, for this post in particular.



But don't worry Artille I think you've gotten better, and Em isn't even at the tops compared to other artists.

[tjb]

not even at thetop ^^^
gimme a more lyrically complex rapper out there

[WhatsAnEnigma]

not even at thetop ^^^
gimme a more lyrically complex rapper out there

You get two for the price of one.

K-Rino
Ras Kass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnD_CXnXEB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=250nGcnX1b8

Does it satisfy your craving?

[tjb]

when theres rappers like this around, just shitting on everything
an killing every beat they touch, it makes me so mad people like oj da juice man
an rick ross r even heard of

[Element.]

Nice man but some parts didnt rhyme and thats when i knew it was lil wayne inspired