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1st verse of "If Words Could Talk"

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1st verse of "If Words Could Talk"

Postby Just Silver » Mar 1st, '10, 02:40

a song i will soon post probably tomorrow 1st song i have ever posted so i wanted some feed for the 1st verse :D :flower:



I have been unfortunate enough,to have a source of giving up
I am a loner by stats, statistics match my distant past
But picture that,one out of one sixty six sad isn't it
Collab in the mix, with a pad with his sick, deranged lunatic
Youthful spit, teenage angst, demean these strengths
So what can he do, in a world and the rhyme hes lost in a tune
Hide and coughing up fluid, blood and spitting his new shit
Lose it's confusing touch, feel my medulla bust, never the cooler bunch
They make me lose my lunch,and i can't speak words retired
But my writings are desired, an energetic quiet riot
As to socialize, i don't live a social life, I think crazy like ropes and knives
And most despise, even thinking my cited madness like Michael Savage
Is lies and drags with, societies average, complying to that which
I continue story rapping, i glory actions, of the more in action
Would love to be a person, that can act in life, i cant do that for life
Im a maniac in strife, that caves in at the sight, of a fight of socialites
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Re: 1st verse of "If Words Could Talk"

Postby classthe_king » Mar 1st, '10, 03:15

It was pretty good. Rhyming started out weak but then got really good at the end of the verse. Flow could use some fixing. Shorten up the lines and try to make them more the same length so that it flows better. Glad to see your writing songs now :y:
You think your personal attacks make up for what you lack?
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Re: 1st verse of "If Words Could Talk"

Postby Just Silver » Mar 1st, '10, 03:19

classthe_king wrote:It was pretty good. Rhyming started out weak but then got really good at the end of the verse. Flow could use some fixing. Shorten up the lines and try to make them more the same length so that it flows better. Glad to see your writing songs now :y:

thanks for the feed and structure has never been my thing but im hoping i can do something if not i hope the other verses outweigh the 1st ones structure
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Re: 1st verse of "If Words Could Talk"

Postby classthe_king » Mar 1st, '10, 03:25

Just Silver wrote:
classthe_king wrote:It was pretty good. Rhyming started out weak but then got really good at the end of the verse. Flow could use some fixing. Shorten up the lines and try to make them more the same length so that it flows better. Glad to see your writing songs now :y:

thanks for the feed and structure has never been my thing but im hoping i can do something if not i hope the other verses outweigh the 1st ones structure


It took me awhile, just keep working :y:
And check out 5SG if you can :flower:
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Re: 1st verse of "If Words Could Talk"

Postby Enimee » Mar 1st, '10, 04:13

i really liked this :worship:
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