Lovee Duveee shit

[Enimee]

wrote this thinkin bout a girl...my attempt at romance...idk


babygirl whats your name whats your sign, i want to know everything
from your favorite color,food, or movie even your first baby's name
cause those beautiful eyes of yours tell a story more in depth and descriptive
than any shakespear play, edgar poem, sparx novel, i can see the romance before its written
and those lips and voice can depict and paint a picture, da vinnci would be impressed
your body puts shame to models sculpted like a greek godess
thats just me modest, lets be honest, your perfect the very definition
of delicate and delicios i want you in every position, dont believe me? just listen
your the type i would travel with to some far off lagoon
or go climb mount everest just to take you closer to the stars and moon
stuff like that is impossible to fake so you know im real
when i say your presence hits me in the stomach like a punch from holyfield
to me, your the essence of love, life, and laughter everything thats good
and you have this iradescent glow about you as if you descended from above
this is just me attemptin to send some love let me know if its workin
cuz your so goregeos that in your company, plato's sentences would be wordless
and homer, would have a sudden emptyness in his verses
that mirror would no longer have a purpose dispensing it as wordless
cuz all the ladies in the land cant amount to your endless submersion
in other words i drown when i attempt to bask in your ambiance
what im tryin to say is the fact is im kinda lost,without the hope of you bein around
so do me just one favor love, come with me we can leave this town
wheres the bush that im beaten aroun, ill leap over it and jump straight to the point
with me and you in a cabin in alaska miles and miles away an escape from the noise
all the drama and confusion, all the problems and the every nuissance
cause without you sherlock would be clueless
and there woulda never been an arrow notched for that shot from cupid

[Enimee]

bummmp i need some fffeeedback on this im feindin for it

[gutawafang]

Man, the structure is "thick".

See if it's a building, it looks like this.
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I think for an easier read, it should look like this.
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Ok, well, I think that's the reason it lacks feed.

But I read this and I think that your vocabulary is crazy. LOL. It's just crazy.

stuff like that is impossible to fake so you know im real
when i say your presence hits me in the stomach like a punch from holyfield
^Nice punches here and there.

Your multis are good. Really good man.

Yeah, it stays on topic. Good storytelling. Some of the big words make me not understand certain sentences but fuck that. Overall, it's lovey dovey.

[Enimee]

thanks alot for the feed thats exactly what i was goin for, and yeh i wrote it down in on paper first so transferin it from there to here made it kinda sketchy but i know what you mean ill keep it in mind for the next lines

[Fa-Q]

Has good potensial but the lines are too long to read...I think you should revise this and I'll give a proper reveiw

[Enimee]

word, i wud but i dont think i can lol like if i did it would take away from it too much so i just cant make myself do it...ill drop an audio at the end of the month yu can peeep it then

[Yah-hah]

Yeah basically wat all these gus are sayin about the lines. The content is great man for real, I kinda have a weak spot in my Native heart for the lovve duvee stuff so lol.But yeah man, who's it for?

[Coherent]

You can pull that structure off if you have a lot of multies, but you didn't, so the flow was a bit stretched. As for the content, it was alright, nothing special. I'd say work on multies if you wanna structure your bars like that, and maybe get better topics, having a broad range of topics really can make you a better writer.

[Enimee]

preciate the feed CO and Yah, and btw it wasnt really for ne one in particular but i was thinkin bout this girl from round my way when i wrote it