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Life's Journey

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Life's Journey

Postby ChristinaE12 » Dec 9th, '10, 23:50

Okay, so this is my newest piece of whatever. I shortened the lines a bit, for the most part, and tried more simple rhymes/schemes and shit. And It's basically a rough draft. What most my pieces look like until I start nitpickin every thing thinking I can do better. Which usually tends to just ruin it. So here it is before I do that, I guess.

Link of feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=101076&p=1391579#p1391579

I also plan to start leaving more feedback soon. Seeing how my baby boy is finally starting to give me a little bit more free time, finally.




So stressed, It's like I can never get the sleep needed,
for my brain to just rest once. It Keeps speedin.
Thoughts infested in me like they've been deep-ly seeded.
Nested and multiplied in me too, like heaps of diseases.
Exceeding ceilings, constantly going a hundred fifty miles a hour
Never easing stampeding feelings already done spread swiftly, piles, n towers.
A fly bitch named Venus tricks me, smiles then devours me. Trapped within
these emotions that are claimed weakness. I tap, give in.
I'm really wrapped thick skinned, though. Keep totally private,
Hopefully nobody notices a thing, so I stay socially quiet
Hopelessly I riot, against myself, my own shy soul
A black hell hole I was thrown in, so the throne I stole
Prone to troll, so forget the shit I might a spewed
thrown for loops, really I'm just tryna brighten moods
enlighten views of who's been to hell 'n back a time or two
So I just kick back and begin tellin' facts in my rhymes for you


Okay, the last 4 lines are more of fuckin around shit. I got bored with what I was kinda doing so I figured I'd switch up and twist the end a bit. Who'd have seen it coming?

Also line 7. Yeah it's lol worthy and maybe a bit stupid, to me anyways. Sorry if it may have ruined it somehow. But in the end.. I'm just playin around regardless.




So?
"If Life's a bitch and revenge is sweet... I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet."

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Re: Life's Journey

Postby classthe_king » Dec 9th, '10, 23:56

This was much better than normal. One thing I noticed though was your rhymes were different syllables. You would have one rhyme that was 3 syllables and the next line would have another random word throw in between and would be four syllabes. That ruins it.
You think your personal attacks make up for what you lack?
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Re: Life's Journey

Postby ChristinaE12 » Dec 10th, '10, 22:46

classthe_king wrote:This was much better than normal. One thing I noticed though was your rhymes were different syllables. You would have one rhyme that was 3 syllables and the next line would have another random word throw in between and would be four syllables. That ruins it.


Thanks for the honesty Class. I appreciate it.

.. And yah, the syllable's matching stuff I'm still working on. I think I did it much less on this one though than the other pieces. I know I could get them to match exactly if I spent more time with it. I just get too impatient as times. So I end up sayin fuck it and move on.

I'll get there. ;)
"If Life's a bitch and revenge is sweet... I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet."

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