Population of One

[WakeUpShow]

A deserted island, population of one
Cold scary nights, and braving the sun
Elements of nature, the element of surprise
Boats in the distance, are tricks on your mind
Tell yourself to be a man, tough it out by yourself
Eventually you're on your knees, yelling for help
Weeks turn into months, and months into years
Boredom turns to Anger, Rage jumps into tears
The future is bleak, suicide seems the best bet
I'm tired of waiting, and I'm keen to rest yet
A makeshift shank, and this hell trip floats to an end
No more loneliness, or bottles with notes to a friend
This isn't a story of a sailor who meets his untimely end
It's a journey through the mind of an out cast who can't find a friend

http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=105778

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[HipHopHead]

You're getting slept on. That concept was fucking beautiful and the execution was just a bit less spectacular. I'd definitely extend this piece in the future. I really don't have feed besides make it longer so I can read more lol. Keep it up.

R/T?
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=105924

[autotooner]

thats bad ass man, love the storytelling. Cant wait to read more

[Willy]

Dude this was legit, so so so much better than your punchline stuff (maybe because I honestly don't care for punchline rapping anyways).

When you devote yourself to a concept you pull it off well. This is pretty damn good man and your progress is pretty spectacular. Way to be

[WakeUpShow]

You're getting slept on. That concept was fucking beautiful and the execution was just a bit less spectacular. I'd definitely extend this piece in the future. I really don't have feed besides make it longer so I can read more lol. Keep it up.

R/T?
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=105924

thanks alot man!

[WakeUpShow]

thats bad ass man, love the storytelling. Cant wait to read more

thanks

[WakeUpShow]

Dude this was legit, so so so much better than your punchline stuff (maybe because I honestly don't care for punchline rapping anyways).

When you devote yourself to a concept you pull it off well. This is pretty damn good man and your progress is pretty spectacular. Way to be

thanks alot Wily

[WakeUpShow]

Cut out the last two lines for three reasons:

1. You re-used end/friend in the last two lines.

2. It would cut it to 12 lines, a 'rounder' number when it comes to verses (since a standard verse is 16)

3. There is no need to blatantly state the metaphor/twist like that. I thought it kind of ruined it.

It would be like Eminem saying at the end of 25 to Life:

And by the way, this isn't a story about my actual wife
It's about my relationship with hip hop and its effect on my life

As for the rest of the piece, really solid stuff, Cosh. You're improving steadily.

thanks for the feed. how would u suggest i finish it? becaue i feel like no one would get the concept if i didn't say it. it would just seem like a story about a guy on an island i think.

[HipHopHead]

Cut out the last two lines for three reasons:

1. You re-used end/friend in the last two lines.

2. It would cut it to 12 lines, a 'rounder' number when it comes to verses (since a standard verse is 16)

3. There is no need to blatantly state the metaphor/twist like that. I thought it kind of ruined it.

It would be like Eminem saying at the end of 25 to Life:

And by the way, this isn't a story about my actual wife
It's about my relationship with hip hop and its effect on my life

As for the rest of the piece, really solid stuff, Cosh. You're improving steadily.

thanks for the feed. how would u suggest i finish it? becaue i feel like no one would get the concept if i didn't say it. it would just seem like a story about a guy on an island i think.

Well as you extend it I'd just give less subtle hints, or maybe just say it in a less blunt way.

25 To Life is a great example. He gives it away by saying "I love you hip hop" and not "this song is about hip hop". Maybe use your escape from the island as a symbol for finally finding your place and making friends...or realizing it doesn't matter.