Welcome Home Matt

[WakeUpShow]

http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=105924


An All-American quarterback named Matt, recently graduated
Recieved a letter in the mail that he frequently had awaited
It said that the Army had drafted him into a war for the age
There was a pin in the envelope, which he wore for the day
Excited, He kissed the whole family, and waved to the town
He savored the moment, but craved the sound
Of war, because he grew up in a quaint little town
Where every single person was a saint all around
Above all, he craved action, adrenaline, and the noise
On the ship, he calmed and showed his kin he was poised
Patriotic feeling swelled up in his heart, he was numb
Other guys were there before, and thought it was fun
When the ship pulled out, he thought about dropping his pin
As a way of leaving his troubles and stopping his sin
It seemed poetic, so he dropped it and he smiled
Off to war to be a man, and stop being a child
A year of toil and war went by and this soldier
Grew colder, with evil inside the size of a boulder
He started disobeying commands and killing for fun
He wasn't there for his country, the feeling was done
He laughed when he shot, and he threatened his corp.
Cursed off his general and God was second to war
His friends didn't recognize him, he successfully morphed
to what the devil on his shoulder had objectively forced
He was dishonorably discharged for sneaking away from his corp.
That was the one reason, but hundreds more would stay at the source
He got back to the states, feeling no remorse, not a smidge
His arrogance believed he was owed money and godesses
He reluctantly pulled up to his old fam's house
But was shocked to see it burned to the damn ground
He couldn't talk, and he sobered up in seconds
His soul burned, and longed to say a confession
His stomach dropped, and knew he had to say his sin
Because right on the Welcome Home Mat, lay his pin

[WakeUpShow]

Now that's a piece.

Liked the way you linked the pin as a sort of motif throughout the story. I think you're starting to learn that you shouldn't waste a line in story-telling. If you mention a pin, it has to be for a reason. It has to come back later... which it did.

Liked the development of his character. Liked the rhyming... although watch some of your multis. Waved to the town/craved the whole sound. "Whole" is not very similar in sound to "the" so it makes the overall sound of the two things incongruent and the multi kind of falls apart.

Another criticism is you're again being too in-your-face about the symbolism/metaphors: "As a symbolic way of leaving his troubles and stopping his sin." Don't need to state the symbolism out right.

thanks alot, and i could def. tell the rhyming was off. and i added the word symbolic to lenghten the line. did u catch the last line....Welcome Home Mat/ Welcome Home Matt

[WakeUpShow]

bump, somebody please feed this

[Robbie G]

That was great. Like Amadeo pointed out it was a nice touch how you connected the pin to the end of the story. I thought his transformation from basically good to evil happened a little too fast though. It was sudden, and almost unbelievable. Maybe you could have gone into events that changed his perspective on things/mind state.

Good piece.

[WakeUpShow]

thanks alot guys

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[DƎRDYPK]

3 or 4 bumps & not a single reply after any of them? WHAT THE FUCK!?
you truly stepped it up...if I had a list of dope drops in the CW section this would make it
my favorite part was

When the ship pulled out, he thought about dropping his pin
As a way of leaving his troubles and stopping his sin
It seemed poetic, so he dropped it and he smiled
Off to war to be a man, and stop being a child

iunno after that part things just really started to pick up...
I love this though...keep the creative writing section alive with stuff like this

[WakeUpShow]

3 or 4 bumps & not a single reply after any of them? WHAT THE FUCK!?
you truly stepped it up...if I had a list of dope drops in the CW section this would make it
my favorite part was

When the ship pulled out, he thought about dropping his pin
As a way of leaving his troubles and stopping his sin
It seemed poetic, so he dropped it and he smiled
Off to war to be a man, and stop being a child

iunno after that part things just really started to pick up...
I love this though...keep the creative writing section alive with stuff like this

love getting great feedback, thanks alot man

[Pauly D]

this is really good, the motif of the pin surprised me at the end. which was nice. this reminds me of that movie brothers with jake gillinhal and that guy from spiderman.

great piece

[classthe_king]

Cosh, you need to manage your songs better. You bump it 3 times in a row and then when PK finally responds you respond right away. Let it sit at the top for awhile. And then when you do respond make it when there are a bunch of people on that are from CW who hasn't fed it yet. Why do you think when I cared about this section my pieces would stay on the front page for over a month and it would get 20+ replies? I was smart about it.

[WakeUpShow]

Cosh, you need to manage your songs better. You bump it 3 times in a row and then when PK finally responds you respond right away. Let it sit at the top for awhile. And then when you do respond make it when there are a bunch of people on that are from CW who hasn't fed it yet. Why do you think when I cared about this section my pieces would stay on the front page for over a month and it would get 20+ replies? I was smart about it.

I never thought of it like that, or even gave how i managed them a second thought. on another note, what do u think of the piece?

[classthe_king]

Ummmmm it was pretty good, nothing great though. You need more imagery in a story telling piece, something I also suffer with. Look up the Sniper and look up the feed K Block gave me, that should help. I don't really understand the ending also.

[WakeUpShow]

Ummmmm it was pretty good, nothing great though. You need more imagery in a story telling piece, something I also suffer with. Look up the Sniper and look up the feed K Block gave me, that should help. I don't really understand the ending also.

+I don't really know how to explain the ending. It's like his troubles followed him home, and basically hit home, burned down his house. it goes deeper but I can't explain. Also the Welcome Home Mat/ Matt was basically supposed to be like sarcastic, like see what you did?