2 unfinished tracks/feedback appreciated

[eat_healthy]

hi

i'm after some honest feedback for my rhymes/story telling ability/whatever

a bit about me

- 21 years old, been rapping since 17
- white, middle class upbringing. loving parents, only child.
- live in australia/sydney
- emotionally unstable, battle with depression
- in limbo... life is not going anywhere, no motivation etc.

below i'll copy/paste some lyrics i've written with each song title


Water

my body pours like water, now i've made an ocean
sailing the border, with sun tan lotion
i don't feel no pain, it's time to disappear
i flow down the drain, like a schooner for my beer
sleeping in the system, i begin to pipe dream
my thoughts begin to bubble, and i cannot see
i wake up in the night, still in disbelief
i am out of sight, a droplet on a leaf
insects crawl on me, they can feel me breath
you are not my friend, i just want you to leave



flaky jake

Organising plans round the land,
quarter to five? Yep, sounds like a plan.
Name's Jake, i partake in mistakes,
you ask about dandruff cause you sense a Flake,
but this man's tough, he he deals with the guilt trips,
he's packed his bag, let's hope his ticket won't rip…
cause the bus is heading his way,
if the driver isn't friendly it'll hurt his day
his smile will bend and give birth to a frown,
the frown will grow up to be a prick
run rampant in the town
like a certain serial killer clown mr gacy
the man that went crazy in illinois
impressin men and killin' boys
undressin them with a shrill voice
growling like an animal
he might've been a cannibal
not sure if it was specified
but i won't deny it


coffee's in the percolator,
planet earths preferred stimulator,
served fresh by Tim the waiter,
and his sunshine smiles lights the way for miles.
Gimme a mug and the nice brown beans
so i can wipe the arse of this town clean.
Flakey Jake, give or take a coffee date,
takes more than he'll give and he shows up late
and borrows money, that he knows he won't pay


i have more, usually my raps are comedy, i have a cheesy australian delivery, i might post the audio tracks one day and see what strangers think (such better feedback then friends)

these songs are leaning more towards serious, which i haven't worked out yet, that is a serious delivery... i just sound so fake on the mic.

thanks for reading

[mdemaz]

Link of feedback?
Pretty good lyrics anyway man.
I can relate to a lot of that shit....I would only suggest a bit more structure internally.
That's about it really.

[eat_healthy]

^nice one, thanks

a few sillier songs are below:

"dude stealing my indian food"

i'm just bitter with men, perhaps that's why
i have adrenaline, when a guy walks by
with a diet coke with phenylalanine,
i like his style but i can't handle him
cause he's gonna speak macho, and i feel fem
i can't grow a moustache, no,
but then again, i can devour all ya pischachos
on a seconds notice so, watch me while i watch you
takin nodoze, so ya don't doze
you're not gonna be sleepin, i see ya creepin so close
with you're eyes peepin closer
so you can feed on my samosa
but no-suh (sir),
ya gotta go ya own way,
buy your own damn indian food today
'but it's windy and cold outside' you'll say
mother natures legs are open wide, hey
it's all on display and damn girl, you're smoking
well get a raincoat cause i think it's gonna rain

embrace the face of a ladies' special place
taste the space where the sperms will always race
chase the day when you'll yearn to procreate
and then create a pro,
before the candle burns and it's too late

now pipe down and put the pipe down
it's not a microphone, so spin the shit right round
ash it out, put the light down
so i can pack it up and smoke it right now
i'm pretty damn blazed i'm so high like wow


"Sneezes"

i've an itchy NOSE, so i SCRATCHED it
and i feel a lot better NOW
i wonder WHY, who KNOWS?
maybe a MOTE of dust on my wet towel
collided with a HAIRFOLLICLE (oh WOW)

someone should just go in for a closer look (Oh yeah!)
grab ya monocle and twiddle the fook
outta my nostril, like a fiddle
oh GOD, not for long
just until it dribbles some snot
a strand that's longgggggg

riddle me not, i just like to SNEEZE
at the kleenex party i'm a bit of a SLEAZE
product placement's adjacent
to my vocabulary and that's scary
now my mind's vacant, i want cadbury dairy
very muchly for the cocoa, caffeine sugar and such
it'd be a treat to eat the sweets at the centre of your crutch


an ele-
mentary snack
in my lunch box
very dairy,
yoghurt.
for the acidoph-ilus
gotta get a tea
for the antioxidants
perhaps a movie
with nick-
geonopoolis
a porno flick
where the girls are,
bottomless
discovery channel,
hippopotamus
sittin on the ottoman with
a pocket pen
writing shit about
compound rhymes
and how i've gotten them

[Mr. Chambers]

closed for no link of feedback

[eat_healthy]

link of feedback?

what do you mean?

[classthe_king]

Why doesn't anyone read the rules

[eat_healthy]

I read the guidelines and couldn't find anything relevant.

[classthe_king]

3) One link of feedback you have given will need to be posted before you post a song.

[eat_healthy]

thanks anyway. goodbye.

[Mr. Chambers]

who the fuck reopened this?