Uncommon Valor

[rubi]

really liked the story you told
rhymes were mostly simple, but I like it all. also the instrumental is very nice

[Willy]

just for future reference, the only a dream thing is commonly hated on in literary circles as being a cheap cop out.

[WakeUpShow]

just for future reference, the only a dream thing is commonly hated on in literary circles as being a cheap cop out.

it's not as simple as that. he has shell shock and PTSD. it's not just one big lazy cop out.

[WakeUpShow]

really liked the story you told
rhymes were mostly simple, but I like it all. also the instrumental is very nice

why are people saying the rhymes are simple? it's all 3 except one time. and at one point i almost rhymed the entire line...thanks for the feed

[WakeUpShow]

World War I, I just killed 40 Krauts in a row
Bullets whizzing overhead, and I'm crouched in the snow
I see my life flashing right in front of my eyes
I feel like a failure, but I wanted to try
the sun in my eyes, until explosions block it out
I'm bound to die if I don't make a plan or chalk it out
Tanks blast, soldiers wail, my heart racing and my faith dies
I'd Think that I'm thrown in hell, start pacing, and my face cries
Shell Shock hits, now the battlefield is spinning rapidly
In 10 minutes I've seen damn near a 100 casualties
I made my way to the trenches and downed a shot of whiskey
I thought I was safe until I found a shot had hit me
I found my rosary in my pocket, held it close and closed my eyes
I knew this was it because the pain had made me hope to die
A loud explosion made me sit up and scream
Cold sweats and night terrors, but it was only a dream

[Willy]

My apologies, should have read a little more carefully. However, another thing I would say (not to sound like a hater, you've gotten a lot better), is your writing is starting to become formulaic. I can always expect the last lines to have a twist, but the problem is it has become predictable. Try mixing it up a bit, granted I haven't been in this section for a while but I remember a few entries of yours like this.

anyways just my 2 cents, you keep getting better man kudos

[classthe_king]

really liked the story you told
rhymes were mostly simple, but I like it all. also the instrumental is very nice

why are people saying the rhymes are simple? it's all 3 except one time. and at one point i almost rhymed the entire line...thanks for the feed

Because they were all at the end of the line except for one and they were all easy rhymes to come up with, there weren't any "wow I never would have though of that" rhymes.

And you didn't rhyme the whole line because there are syllables that throw it off

[WakeUpShow]

really liked the story you told
rhymes were mostly simple, but I like it all. also the instrumental is very nice

why are people saying the rhymes are simple? it's all 3 except one time. and at one point i almost rhymed the entire line...thanks for the feed

Because they were all at the end of the line except for one and they were all easy rhymes to come up with, there weren't any "wow I never would have though of that" rhymes.

And you didn't rhyme the whole line because there are syllables that throw it off

if you use the flow i had in my head, it works amazingly.

[classthe_king]

Yeah but they way your brain picks up on rhymes it won't rhyme to the listener.

[WakeUpShow]

Yeah but they way your brain picks up on rhymes it won't rhyme to the listener.

alright, any thoughts on the flow, structure or theme?

[rubi]

really liked the story you told
rhymes were mostly simple, but I like it all. also the instrumental is very nice

why are people saying the rhymes are simple? it's all 3 except one time. and at one point i almost rhymed the entire line...thanks for the feed

I said I liked it though! And now I reread it and some more rhymes I didn't see. But I'd like to hear/see your flow because the one I found works until the lines are getting longer

[WakeUpShow]

really liked the story you told
rhymes were mostly simple, but I like it all. also the instrumental is very nice

why are people saying the rhymes are simple? it's all 3 except one time. and at one point i almost rhymed the entire line...thanks for the feed

I said I liked it though! And now I reread it and some more rhymes I didn't see. But I'd like to hear/see your flow because the one I found works until the lines are getting longer

yeah thanks. i rap it faster near the longer lines. i wish i could record, but no mic.