Heart's Revelation part 1

[mcZu]

Link of feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=109830

Beat written to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6yEoJ_H ... re=related

I used to bruised... now my soul’s intact
The sole’s on my shoes limp past the floor encrusted
With memories of my past, cold and ruptured
My mood black and white like a signed broken back
I gave her my heart, and got it broken back
Some say home is where the heart is...
Well, she must be homeless ‘cause she is heartless
I tried to bridge the gap, she ended up sleeping underneath it
With our relationship in the deep end
It all happened over one weekend, left me weakened
Emotionally, I seem to be stuck in the heat and
Trusting people that are unreliable to call
When you need them makes you only more liable to fall
Reliable comes from the heart, not just eyeing it
She tried to lie to me... But I’m not buying it
The saying selling sand to an Arab doesn’t apply to me
Not to this Arab no, stop lying to me...

[ArsheyHaq]

I usually don't like depressing rhymes like these (don't know if that's what you were goin' for, but that's how it came off to me), but the poetry in it was too nice for me to ignore. Good work.

"My mood black and white like a signed broken back
I gave her my heart, and got it broken back"

^^^Rhyming was simple there, needless to say, but the message was powerful nonetheless^^^

Some say home is where the heart is...
Well, she must be homeless ‘cause she is heartless

^^^Another instance where that applies to^^^

Trusting people that are unreliable to call
When you need them makes you only more liable to fall

^^^DAMN! That is so true. So relatable. I loved how you delivered that line^^^

I'll be looking for more from you. I really enjoyed this read.

[Maybe]

Too many quotables to mention... Great rhyming, excellent flow and I love these depressing "real life" verses. I honestly felt every word you wrote here, and no space was wasted. It was all emotionally relatable.

Great job man, 9/10

[mcZu]

I usually don't like depressing rhymes like these (don't know if that's what you were goin' for, but that's how it came off to me), but the poetry in it was too nice for me to ignore. Good work.

"My mood black and white like a signed broken back
I gave her my heart, and got it broken back"

^^^Rhyming was simple there, needless to say, but the message was powerful nonetheless^^^

Some say home is where the heart is...
Well, she must be homeless ‘cause she is heartless

^^^Another instance where that applies to^^^

Trusting people that are unreliable to call
When you need them makes you only more liable to fall

^^^DAMN! That is so true. So relatable. I loved how you delivered that line^^^

I'll be looking for more from you. I really enjoyed this read.

Thanks for the feed, man. I'm glad you liked it! Appreciate it.

Too many quotables to mention... Great rhyming, excellent flow and I love these depressing "real life" verses. I honestly felt every word you wrote here, and no space was wasted. It was all emotionally relatable.

Great job man, 9/10

Thanks, Maybe. Appreciate the feed!

[mcZu]

B to the UMP.

[Xray]

Some say home is where the heart is...
Well, she must be homeless ‘cause she is heartless
I tried to bridge the gap, she ended up sleeping underneath it

That's my nikka right thurr! Loved those lines man, shit was DEEP. This is a great verse no doubt, it flowed all very well except for this part.

With our relationship in the deep end
It all happened over one weekend, left me weakened

Would of been much better if you kept that rhyme scheme, cause "left me weakened" didn't flow to me, it just felt odd reading it there, so fix that and you have a flawless verse. Dope drop bro.

[mcZu]

Thanks for the constructive feed, fam. Appreciate it. It flowed to me, though.