Sick jokes

[the real slim shady]

Bill and Nancy where recently maried but they couldent talk they communicate with sign language.

Nancy tells bill when you feel like having sex grab my left tit, when you don’t feel like having sex grab my right tit.

Then bill tels nancy when you feel like having sex pull my dick once when you don’t feel like having sex pull my dick one hundred times.

i wonder how you say 'pull my dick 100 times' in sign language..

[Sam.]

While walking through the Daintree a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I’m listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin" me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,

"What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said....

"This just isn’t gonna be your day......"

[Fleka]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art.




What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?

Stu.



There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[Sam.]

An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive,the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.

When they arrived at heaven they were shown to luxurious accomodation, at the end of the garden was a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.

The man turned to his wife and said "You dozy cow..........if it wasn’t for you and your fucking health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"

[Sam.]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain’t horny. I’m homesick."

[Sam.]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...

HAMBURGER: £1;
CHEESEBURGER: £2;
HAND JOB: £3.

He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you ?" she asks with a smile.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."

[TheGentlePlayer]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...

HAMBURGER: £1;
CHEESEBURGER: £2;
HAND JOB: £3.

He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you ?" she asks with a smile.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."

Lol

[Sam.]

A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says,......
"they’re all in the lorry ... and one of them is beeping the horn."

EPIC!

[Sam.]

A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,
"That’s a docile old thing isn’t it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a politician into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

[Sam.]

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think we’ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn’t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."

[Sam.]

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem - not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. It is an important part of our culture.

For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It’s very simple and easy to understand.

Now Fucking Hell the Condom’s Split, my son, do you have any other questions?"

[the real slim shady]

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem - not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. It is an important part of our culture.

For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It’s very simple and easy to understand.

Now Fucking Hell the Condom’s Split, my son, do you have any other questions?"

1. The chief cannot also be the witch doctor, they are 2 different people.
2. The condom would have split about 9 months before he was born, so the punchline is invalid.
3.

[Sam.]

Larry is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What ?"
"SEX!!!"
Florence exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you !"
"I know," Larry says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Florence, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it."

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Larry’s manhood !

Furious, Florence yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have ?"
Larry smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson’s disease !!"

[Sam.]

A 15 yr old girl sits on santa’s knee.

Santa says " so what would you like for Xmas?"

The girl replies "I’d like some hair around my fanny."

Santa looks at the girl and whispers into her ear "Would a white beard be OK for you?"

[Sam.]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject oftheir physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered...
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"Is that one word or two?’