Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it’s final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the pilot, "first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta take a shit first."

[EG.]

Great thread I read all of them.

[TheGentlePlayer]

A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says,......
"they’re all in the lorry ... and one of them is beeping the horn."

EPIC!

I don't get it

[EG.]

I don't get it

the sheep want him to screw them again

[TheGentlePlayer]

I don't get it

the sheep want him to screw them again

Ah, right

[the real slim shady]

[Sam.]

A huge flood occurs in the town the priest lived in, and he has to climb up on his roof to escape the water. As the water is rising almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and the man says, "come into the boat and I will save you!!"
The priest says, "I will stay here, God will save me!"
As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and the people say, "Come priest we will save you!"
The priest says, "God will save me!"
As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes overhead, and they say "climb into the plane," and the priest says again "No, God will save me!"
At the point of almost drowning, the priest says "God , I have been a good priest, and have always prayed to you. Why wont you save me?"

Suddenly the voice of God answers, "What more could I do? I already sent you two boats and a helicopter !"

[the real slim shady]

introduction
build up
punch line
laughter

[Sam.]

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How’d you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!"

[Sam.]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:



Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.






Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.






































Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.






































Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading This..











Hang in there sunshine!

[Sam.]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph..’

Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

’Never,’ said Ralph.

’Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You shit the bed!’

[Sam.]

Tony Blair wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best suit ready for another hard days bullshitting. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he thinks "By god, Tony, you’re looking good this morning." He admires the fine cut of his suit and the sparkle of his smile, and takes a deep breath. "Feeling good too" he notes.

Sitting at breakfast Cherie says "You’re looking really good this morning Tony"
"I feel good too." responds Tony.
"But you’re not smelling too good dear." comments Cherie

Tony takes a sniff. "Hmmm. You’re right there." he says worriedly "I am smelling a bit rough." He finishes his breakfast, downs his coffee and heads for his private office.

"Good morning." he grins at his secretary.
"Yes its a beautiful morning" she replies "and you’re looking really good."
"Why thank you I feel good too." replies Tony flexing his arms.
"Oh Tony!" cries his secretary "You may look good and feel good but you smell awful!"

Worried, Tony visits his doctor. "Doc I have a problem." he says "I look good and feel good but I smell awful!"
The doctor consults his medical textbook scanning quickly through... "Look good ... yeah ... feel good ... yeah ... smell awful ..."

"Ah .. that’s it Tony I have the answer ... You’re a CUNT"

[the real slim shady]

theres some funny stuff here

[Sam.]

Two city type chaps were having a sly pint during lunchtime one afternoon but after a while it got a bit out of control booze-wise and they were both rapidly getting spannered.

Suddenly and without warning one of the chaps thew up down the front of his suit. "I think I’d better go home" he said, but his buddy replied "No need my friend, just do what I always do in this position, put a £10 note in your breast pocket, and when your lovely wife asks you about the puke stain all down the front of your suit, say that a bloke in the pub did it and if you don’t believe me theres the £10 that he gave me for the dry cleaning in my top pocket"

"Brilliant".

So the binge carried on until closing, by which time the two of them were TOTALLY wasted. On getting home the chap with the puke problem was confronted in his hallway by his wife...

"Look at the state of you, you are despicable, disgusting, vile"
"It’s not what it seems to be" he replied, and continued to tell the lie about the chap in the pub "and if you don’t believe me there’s the £10 he gave me for the dry cleaning in my breast pocket" he said.

His wife, being a suspicious type, reached into his pocket. "Hang on" she said, "there’s £20 in here"

To which the drunk replied "He also shat my pants".

[the real slim shady]

Two city type chaps were having a sly pint during lunchtime one afternoon but after a while it got a bit out of control booze-wise and they were both rapidly getting spannered.

Suddenly and without warning one of the chaps thew up down the front of his suit. "I think I’d better go home" he said, but his buddy replied "No need my friend, just do what I always do in this position, put a £10 note in your breast pocket, and when your lovely wife asks you about the puke stain all down the front of your suit, say that a bloke in the pub did it and if you don’t believe me theres the £10 that he gave me for the dry cleaning in my top pocket"

"Brilliant".

So the binge carried on until closing, by which time the two of them were TOTALLY wasted. On getting home the chap with the puke problem was confronted in his hallway by his wife...

"Look at the state of you, you are despicable, disgusting, vile"
"It’s not what it seems to be" he replied, and continued to tell the lie about the chap in the pub "and if you don’t believe me there’s the £10 he gave me for the dry cleaning in my breast pocket" he said.

His wife, being a suspicious type, reached into his pocket. "Hang on" she said, "there’s £20 in here"

To which the drunk replied "He also shat my pants".

its an english joke