Sick jokes

[Sam.]

Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed
As little Bo Beep was giving him head
Just as he came she began to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been shaggin her sheep!!

[Sam.]

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.


"Hello?" the woman says.

God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I "m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

[mdemaz]

The fact this thread is still active makes my existence on this planet worth while.
I thank you people.

[Sam.]

The fact this thread is still active makes my existence on this planet worth while.
I thank you people.

Yeah ! I am keeping this shit alive ,need to be Sticky tbh .

[mdemaz]

Word.
Fresh material here.

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

[Fleka]

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."


A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

[mdemaz]

There were two gay guys on the side of the road tryin to catch a ride after their car broke down. Well finally a semi truck driver guy pulls over and lets em in. Well the trucker gets hungry and the boys decide they are hungry as well so they stop at a mexican restaurant, where they eat beans galore! Well they get back in the truck and one of the gay guys whispers "is it ok if i fart?" and the trucker goes "this is a man's truck! do whatever you want!" so the gay guy leans over, pushes real hard and breathes out in relief but nobody hears anything. the second gay guy says "ok now i have to fart. is it ok?" the trucker says "This is a man's truck! do whatever you want!" so the second gay guy leans over, pushes real hard and breathes out a breath of relief but nobody hears anything. well about five minutes later the trucker leans over and lets out the HUGEST fart ever! it rumbles the whole truck! the first gay guy leans over to the second gay guy and says "virgin.."

[Sam.]

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the man,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said,
"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[mdemaz]

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, When you die, I´m getting you a headstone that reads, ´Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever´.

Yeah she replies, When you die, I´m getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.´

[the real slim shady]

Two city type chaps were having a sly pint during lunchtime

its an english joke

Orly?

[Sam.]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in. Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[mdemaz]

A woman goes into the gynecologist for her first pelvic exam. Feeling a little uncomfortable, the woman slowly undresses, covers herself with a sheet, and then crawls up onto the examining table. The doctor walks in and orders the woman to put her feet into the stirrups. The woman obeys, and the doctor pulls up a stool and starts the examination. After a few minutes the woman asks, "Is everything OK, doc?" The doctor replies, "God! You have a huge vagina!" The woman, feeling completely humiliated, says, "Well, you didn't have to say it twice!" The doctor looks up and says, "I didn't!"

[Sam.]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her muff.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

[mdemaz]

Laugh at my shit for a change, smh.

A fireman and his wife were bored with their
sex life, so he tries to think of ways fuel the
fire. One day at the fire house he's thinking
about the "bell system." The way the bell
system at the firehouse works, when bell one
rings, they all run out to the trucks. On bell
two, they gear up. On bell three they jump
on the trucks and head to the fire.

The fireman goes home and tells his wife,
"Honey, I know what we can do to spruce
up our sex life!"

"What?"

"Use the bell system like at the firehouse,
but a little different. When I call 'bell one',
you run into the bedroom. When I call 'bell
two', you take your clothes off, and when I
call 'bell three', hop on the bed and we'll do it."

The next evening he comes home hollering,
"Bell one!" and she runs into the bedroom.
He hollers, "Bell two!" and she takes her clothes
off. He yells, "Bell three!" and she hops on the
bed and he hops on her.

While they're mingling, she yells, "Bell four!
Bell four!"

Husband asks, "What the hell's, 'bell four'?"

"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere
near the fire!"

[Sam.]

Laugh at my shit for a change, smh.

A fireman and his wife were bored with their
sex life, so he tries to think of ways fuel the
fire. One day at the fire house he's thinking
about the "bell system." The way the bell
system at the firehouse works, when bell one
rings, they all run out to the trucks. On bell
two, they gear up. On bell three they jump
on the trucks and head to the fire.

The fireman goes home and tells his wife,
"Honey, I know what we can do to spruce
up our sex life!"

"What?"

"Use the bell system like at the firehouse,
but a little different. When I call 'bell one',
you run into the bedroom. When I call 'bell
two', you take your clothes off, and when I
call 'bell three', hop on the bed and we'll do it."

The next evening he comes home hollering,
"Bell one!" and she runs into the bedroom.
He hollers, "Bell two!" and she takes her clothes
off. He yells, "Bell three!" and she hops on the
bed and he hops on her.

While they're mingling, she yells, "Bell four!
Bell four!"

Husband asks, "What the hell's, 'bell four'?"

"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere
near the fire!"

LMAO .