Sick jokes

[mdemaz]

A man had just moved to the countryside from the big city. He had bought some land and built his house, and he thought to himself, "I need some farm animals since I'm going to be a farmer now."

So he goes into town and and finds a place where they sold chicken. He went up to the merchant and said, "I want a chicken."

The merchant said, "We don't call them chickens here, we call them cocks."

So the man bought one and then went on his way. A minute later he had another thought. He needed a mule. So he we to the place where they sold mules and he said to the merchant, "I want a mule."

So the merchant said, "We don't call them mules down here, we call them asses."

So the man bought one and went on his way. As he was making his way back home his mule started twitching and he couldn't scratch it because he had his chicken in the other hand. And about that time he passed by an old woman, and he said to her, "Hold my cock while I scratch my ass!"

[Sam.]

A lonely man is browsing the pet ads in his local paper looking for a pet. He comes accross an advert for an intelligent,adorable golden labrador free to good home. He calls the number and arranges to go and see the dog.

He arrives at the house and a man lets him in.
The man asks the owner "Does the dog have a pedigree ?".
The owner replies "Ask him".
"Ask him. Don’t be ridiculous".
"Ask him. He’s in the kitchen".
The man enters the kitchen, and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden labrador.
Feeling a bit silly the man asks the the dog "Do have a pedigree ?"
To his astonishment, the dog replies."Yes I have a pedigree I’m KC registered, both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts". He continues "I worked for Customs & Excise at Heathrow airport, and I’ve been in several films and TV ads".
Amazed the man says to the owner "What a great dog, he talks and he’s been a top sniffer dog, I don’t understand - why you want to give away such a brilliant dog ?"
The owner replies "I’m sick of his fuckin" lies".

[mdemaz]

One day out on the farm the owner of the farm goes to his 13 year old son and says, "Son, take this last duck to town and sell it so we can buy our cow some food."

The son agrees to, and as he is walking down the road he passes by a woman. The woman says to the boy, "Son I will fuck you for that duck."

Not thinking, the boy agrees, and they go off in the woods and fuck. When they got done the woman says to the boy, "WOW that was good, I'll give that duck back if you do it again."

So the boy agrees, and they do it again. Well when they get done the boy gets his duck, puts it back on the leash, and starts leading it down the road. When he gets about half way to town a truck comes through and runs over the boy's duck. The truck driver stops, jumps out, and says to the boy, "Son I'm sorry about your duck. Here's 20 dollars."

So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck!"

[Sam.]

A guy in a pink shirt minces into a gay bar and looks around weighing up the talent.

He spots a well built scouser having a quiet drink at the bar, sidles up to him, nudges him gently and whispers "Can I take you into the gents and give a blow job ?"

The scouser spins round, punches him in the nose, kicks him in the bollucks, picks him up and throws him through the bar window.

"Bloody hell scouse" says the barman, "What was all that about?"

"I dunno - he said something about a job!"

[mdemaz]

A girl visits the doctor's office for a regular physical examination. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red letter "G" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to the University of Guelph," she replies. "We made love last night and he didn’t take off his sweatshirt. I suppose the University of Guelph logo may have imprinted my chest."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for her annual check-up. As she disrobes, the doctor notices a blue letter "Q" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" questions the doctor.

"Well, my boyfriend went to Queens University," replies the girl. "We were fooling around last night. He left his Queens University sweatshirt on and I guess it left an imprint on my chest."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for her examination. As she removes her top, the doctor notices a green letter "M" on her chest.

"Let me guess... you have a boyfriend at McMaster University," says the doctor.

Replies the girl, "No, but I have a girlfriend at the University of Waterloo."

[Sam.]

A girl visits the doctor's office for a regular physical examination. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red letter "G" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to the University of Guelph," she replies. "We made love last night and he didn’t take off his sweatshirt. I suppose the University of Guelph logo may have imprinted my chest."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for her annual check-up. As she disrobes, the doctor notices a blue letter "Q" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" questions the doctor.

"Well, my boyfriend went to Queens University," replies the girl. "We were fooling around last night. He left his Queens University sweatshirt on and I guess it left an imprint on my chest."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for her examination. As she removes her top, the doctor notices a green letter "M" on her chest.

"Let me guess... you have a boyfriend at McMaster University," says the doctor.

Replies the girl, "No, but I have a girlfriend at the University of Waterloo."

[mdemaz]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later, the lady is back to see the doctor. "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said. Five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was quite that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Oh, not to worry," she says, "We aren't going back to Denny's again anyhow."

[Sam.]

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said,"Kin ya swaller?"
She shook her head"No."
"Kin ya breath?"
Again she shakes her head "No."

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks arse! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned."I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick manoeuvre works every time!"

[mdemaz]

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis’."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"

Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance."

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh... all right."

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us... How long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey, why don't you kiss me?" she says.

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my..." His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

[Sam.]

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You’re all done wiping your arse and you’re about to stand up when you realize it.....you’ve got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn’t smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It’s the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

[mdemaz]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[Sam.]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

That shit is fucking hilarious .

[mdemaz]

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world!"

[Sam.]

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins -

Kiven the Kiwi says,
" I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, just the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my bare hends"

Jerry from South Africa who typically can’t stand to bettered said,
"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it’s head off ind then sucked the poison from it’s body down in one gulp. End I’m still here today"

Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his prick.

[RainMan44]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

Just might attempt..........