4AM Verse

[JamaicanPattlez]

I sent Helen a letter that she'll be dead by December,
"She can't read!" She better learn or I'ma repeatedly offend her,
I go burn down those haybales with Tyler, The Creator,
Turns out I have my own hatemail, time to pile up my own anger.
I'm mentally disturbed, peturbed by visual anarchy,
I might just flip you the bird and have kids with Casey Anthony,
Where's humanity, I split you up like mince meat,
Add some salt and curry and send it off to Vince Lee,
I'm not insane at all, I just find this so much fun,
I'll just make you bawl, I'm the type to smoke a fuckin' gun,
I'm dumb enough to go and rap smiling so violently,
Now I've got to deal with stupid assholes like Bill fuckin' O'Reilly,
I've lost sanity while back at the age of twelve,
Hell I felt at that time my mind was a jail,
I'm done with this rap, and no it isn't horrorcore,
And comes missed distraction, I'm now drinking Chloroform.

Something I wrote at 4AM lol. viewtopic.php?f=24&t=126943

[RainMan44]

Haha, not loaded with multiple syllables rhyming, but I still enjoyed it.


I liked the Casey Anthony line


I once wrote a line similar, something along the lines of
"Marry Casey Anthony and go up inside it without a rubber on/ Flee the country as I leave the baby in her mother's arms."


Anyway, this isn't about me..hmm. I think you could fix up the structure a bit; some lines were shorter than others. I liked the content/substance. Could it have been executed a bit better? Yes. Is this bad? No. Good piece.


Can't wait for new drops


Find feeding mine, G?

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127043

[JamaicanPattlez]

Haha, not loaded with multiple syllables rhyming, but I still enjoyed it.


I liked the Casey Anthony line


I once wrote a line similar, something along the lines of
"Marry Casey Anthony and go up inside it without a rubber on/ Flee the country as I leave the baby in her mother's arms."


Anyway, this isn't about me..hmm. I think you could fix up the structure a bit; some lines were shorter than others. I liked the content/substance. Could it have been executed a bit better? Yes. Is this bad? No. Good piece.


Can't wait for new drops


Find feeding mine, G?

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127043

Thanks man! Yeah, as stated I wrote this a couple days ago at 4AM and just posted it now, so I definitely know it's not as good as my other drops. I just wanted to see if people liked it! Anyhoo, thanks, and I'll hit you back!

[Man1x]

Good piece but as already mentioned you need to work on structure, that's more important than multis but they important as well. Your vocabulary never ceases to amaze me though dude. Good track, feed? http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=127403

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks man! Feed on the way.

[JamaicanPattlez]

This was funny, and had some great, unique vocabulary and rhyme schemes that make me say "oh i wish i thought of that".

Like mentioning Casey Anthony and things like that haha.

Dope stuff man. Although I feel like you bit Hopsin (on purpose or not) with Tyler the Creator / pile up the anger

You used a very similar wording to it, but it's cool. I bit 25 To Life by accident once haha.

Yeah, that was bitten by accident haha. At 4AM, it's not as noticeable for me and I just write whatever lol. Thank God that verse ended up making sense. Thank you!

[SG.]

Very good verse when you've got a lack of sleep. I feel that you're just edging in words for the sake of rhyme. Overall though, good stuff.

[Mr.DGAF]

Haha, I like this. A bunch of clever, semi-random lines put together late at night. I really really like the Casey Anthony line. Plus, your vocab in this drop is awesome. The rhyming was good at times, and kinda iffy at others. But the structure of the rhymes is really neat, I liked how you set it up. Good drop man, I think this is the first piece I've read of yours.

Mind feeding mine if you get the chace? http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=126852

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks you guys! My biggest issue is my rhyming and limited word choice. Any ideas on how to fix that?

[Mr.DGAF]

Thanks you guys! My biggest issue is my rhyming and limited word choice. Any ideas on how to fix that?

As vague as it may seem, read the dictionary. And try and start finding rhymes for any word you can. With longer words, you can rhyme multiple different smaller words with it. Like:

Visionary/His Canary

I mean, I dunno if I'm the perfect guy to be giving advice, I'm still finding my writing as well. But that's what I do, and it seems to work.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks you guys! My biggest issue is my rhyming and limited word choice. Any ideas on how to fix that?

As vague as it may seem, read the dictionary. And try and start finding rhymes for any word you can. With longer words, you can rhyme multiple different smaller words with it. Like:

Visionary/His Canary

I mean, I dunno if I'm the perfect guy to be giving advice, I'm still finding my writing as well. But that's what I do, and it seems to work.

Don't worry about it man, I get what you're saying. The next solo piece I'm working at should hopefully show that growth.

[SG.]

Going back and editing can really help rhyming. For example, instead of:

No imagination to kill the pain I'm facing

You can change it to:

No imagination to stop facades I'm facing

Changed from a 3 syllable multi to a 5 syllable multi with one simple word change. And as Mr.DGAF, read the dictionary. Fuck, read any book, and your vocabulary will improve.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Going back and editing can really help rhyming. For example, instead of:

No imagination to kill the pain I'm facing

You can change it to:

No imagination to stop facades I'm facing

Changed from a 3 syllable multi to a 5 syllable multi with one simple word change. And as Mr.DGAF, read the dictionary. Fuck, read any book, and your vocabulary will improve.

Hmm... that's a good point. Nice edit. I do need to get on my reading game. Dictionaries are just hard to sit down and read, but I do read it from time to time.

[Innovation]

This was funny, and had some great, unique vocabulary and rhyme schemes that make me say "oh i wish i thought of that".

Like mentioning Casey Anthony and things like that haha.

Dope stuff man. Although I feel like you bit Hopsin (on purpose or not) with Tyler the Creator / pile up the anger

You used a very similar wording to it, but it's cool. I bit 25 To Life by accident once haha.

On something I was messing around with I accidentally bit Underground haha. Funny how it happens.

Great verse as always JP. I'm looking forward to your drops on the EP we're doing!

[Man1x]

Thanks you guys! My biggest issue is my rhyming and limited word choice. Any ideas on how to fix that?

Basically read the dictionary homie, I did that back in summer 2009 Not the whole thing, but good portions of it. I even started writing it out last year lol

Then again, someone like me is absolutely addicted to variation of words so it might be difficult to tame yourself for a moment to read, like you said earlier lol

I tried this night. I didn't get past the first page because of words like abaca and aardvark....these words piss me off