Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says,
"It’s dark in here, isn’t it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It’s dark in here, isn’t it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch."
"I can’t. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says
"It’s dark in here, isn’t it?"

"Don’t you start that shit in here now," says the priest

[mdemaz]

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

[Sam.]

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for evening.

Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!".

Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!. Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling,"Gama Su!, Gama Su!".

Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked
"Wrong hole? What you mean wrong hole?".

[mdemaz]

A guy walks into a bar and offers $100 to anybody that will make his horse laugh. One guy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh!

The following week, the guy is back in the bar and offers $200 to anybody that will make his horse cry. The guy who won the $100 last week, takes the horse off to the bathroom. The horse returns from the bathroom crying his eyes out!

Amazed the horse owner asked the guy how he did it? The guy says: "The first week, I told the horse I have a bigger dick than him and today I showed it to him!"

[Sam.]

A bright, young, graduate joined the Inland Revenue. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit dismayed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straight forward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi", he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings ?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up, and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo ?"
"Ah, yes, " replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer, and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions ?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Inland Revenue"
"The Inland Revenue ?" asked the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Inland Revenue . . . and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Sam.]

Three friends got married on the same day and honeymooned together at the same hotel. They decided to secretly let the others know how well their efforts had gone in consumating their marriages in the morning at breakfast by ordering the relevant amount of toast.

In the morning all three sat with their new wives at adjoining tables and ordered their breakfasts in turn

"I’ll have a full English breakfast with THREE slices of toast please." smiled the first.

"I’ll have a full English breakfast. Just ONE slice of toast with strawberry jam please." said the second glumly.

"I’ll have a full English breakfast with SEVEN slices of toast," smirked the third "Oh! - and better make two of them BROWN please."

[Fleka]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."



What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

[mdemaz]

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

[the real slim shady]

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

[mdemaz]

[Read with an Italian accent]
One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[the real slim shady]

[Read with an Italian accent]
One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.

then i am in'a hotel and i tell'a person there 'i wanna sheet'. He say 'go to the toilet', so i say 'no, i wanna sheet on the bed', so he says 'you better not shit on the bed you sonna ma bitch'. I don't even know the man and he call'a me a sonna ma bitch.

[Sam.]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Bugger, she doesn’t work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, RyanAir?"

[mdemaz]

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction. The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular," At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air. The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."

[Sam.]

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren and Daisy.

They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.

Eventually Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself.

Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes it’s cours.

After year’s time the lads feel really bad about what they are doing....

so they bury her.

[mdemaz]

A young beautiful blonde woman in Cheboygan Michigan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."