2nd Rap

[rhiannon]

yeahhhh!!!dat was guuuudd!!! ur ace!

[Inzanity]

yo that was some dope shit man

[Infliction]

pretty nice, but in my opinion you try to put too many rymes in a line, it sounds almost like its being rushed.. donno if thats a good way to put it but i dont find it goes all that good, they were good rymes, but mabye try and put them in seperate lines, just an idea, my opinion. But other than that everythin was pretty hype.

[Mc Cubz]

I'm jus' lettin ya' know TR jus' got a new MC,
And I excel in two things, fluency and truancy,
And while nobody's as new as me, I'ma take the attention,
And use it to rise like an ascension,
Then hear my name mentioned in acclaim,
But if I hear you callin' my raps lame,
I'ma Cock and aim, set you alfame, Scar and maim,
Be wary, Start prayin sayin your Hail Mary's,
Tell your family watchu want on your obituary,
Before they bury you in the cematary,
I'll kill without remorse or a source,
I was so close from being one wit da ghosts,
i'ma sick mofucka who boasts surviving an alcohol overdose,
Threaten adults to get my beer when they walk in the pubs,
And if i manage to stay sober, look out fo' the track by me killa n cubz.






My 2nd real go

Jus somethin i wrote quickly and thought I'd post, coz i need practise lol.

thts prety good for jus a practise bro.
Im not an expert but i got a few suggestions.
if ya can get da lines a imilar/same syllanble no. so da paris of lines flow nice. Also if ya can get more rhymes in it mite audio better. If ya jus startin out on audio it can help if u have a well-rhymed verse to carry u along if ya voice on da mic aint as comfortable as you are aiming for wen ur no longer amature, same wid me - i do that. But if ya listen to big pun or wu tang their rhymin skills r wht i like to aspire to. Multi rhymes are the key, If you take anything into your next rap try an get a multi in e.g

willing ta turn gays
killing ta earn pays

hellicopter
cherry-popped-her

If ya can get the linkages between ya lines e.g.

.............................willing ta turn gays
.............................killing ta earn pays
im gat-filling so turn away.......................

Also, really important is assocation/simile/metaphorical lang. etc.
with a simile suceeding as or like e.g. as hairy as a gorrilla.

try puttin as many of these skills in ta next few raps an ya standards will rise rapidly, like:

Battlin me is brave like iraqis throwin stones at a usa war helicopter
Ill stop-ya makin ya bleed like ya mum, when I cherry-popped-her
I shocked-her when she hopped on ma cock n.......................
.................

That 3 lines has the similar syllable number, multi rhymes, inter-line flows and similies marked in bold i.e. like.

The standards of this want like OMG but i think you will get wer im cumin from an I hope this is beneficial to u an ovas startin out.

For better an more detailed advise u can refer to fordies tutorial.