Shook Ones Part New

[Jdubem]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143673

Im a walking lyrical miracle
Talking all satirical
Conceited, yet undefeated
So I leave it untreated
Im thinking I might just be the one needed
Im tired of being modest
Fuck a bitch, I need a goddess
Dont give a fuck what you think
I make my own luck with this ink
And I be writing emo raps
Till I fucking see no daps
Im somewhat anti-social
Though sometimes I can be vocal
Telling you people this shit wont end local
And Im just trying to gain some notoriety
Yeah cause I refuse to let this motor die in me

Wrote this to the shook ones part two beat. Let me know what you all think.

[Jdubem]

Hey guys my bad I havent checked this in awhile. Thanks for the feed. Yeah I realize the lyrical miracle thing is kinda corny however i thought if I backed it up with nice rhymes it could still work. This did take me a little while to write. Rex were you saying that itd probably only be good if I were to say it was a freestyle? cause i was hoping my writing would be somewhat more impressive than sounding like someone couild have freestyled it. This definitely isnt the best piece ive written but thought it was solid. I could be wrong tho trying to judge my own verse so just clarify what you meant cause i wasnt sure. Thanks again

[J.R.]

I agree with all, the only thing bad is the lyrical miracle. I will be reading more of ur work soon!

[Mr.DGAF]

This is pretty good dude. The way it's structured, you could probably combine the bars to make it look a tad tidier. The multies and shit are nice, you get the point across and still keep it pretty lyrical. The lyrical miracle thing is played out, yes, but I'm not holding that against you. The only real critique I have for this piece, as of now, is how short it is.

So now, get out there and return that feed boi.

[Jdubem]

Hey guys my bad I havent checked this in awhile. Thanks for the feed. Yeah I realize the lyrical miracle thing is kinda corny however i thought if I backed it up with nice rhymes it could still work. This did take me a little while to write. Rex were you saying that itd probably only be good if I were to say it was a freestyle? cause i was hoping my writing would be somewhat more impressive than sounding like someone couild have freestyled it. This definitely isnt the best piece ive written but thought it was solid. I could be wrong tho trying to judge my own verse so just clarify what you meant cause i wasnt sure. Thanks again

I should have clarified; by "freestyle" i didn't mean weak rhymes; far from that, your rhymes were great. This is a great piece overall.

I just mean like the type of no real content just raw rapping and rhyming...freestyle isn't just off the top, it's exactly what the name is, free of style.

Maybe I should have said it would be well used in a cypher or something? IDK, I did not mean to offend or say anything bad, because it had really good rhymes.

Honestly, that lyrical miracle is the only criticism I can give you.

Hope I cleared everything up

haha yeah its cool. Thats kinda what I thought you meant, but thought id check cause I recently rapped this to someone in person and told them that this was to be a kinda freestyle and they tried to correct me on it saying that it was a written verse. People use the word differently i guess.

[RainMan44]

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143673

Im a walking lyrical miracle
Talking all satirical
Conceited, yet undefeated
So I leave it untreated
Im thinking I might just be the one needed
Im tired of being modest
Fuck a bitch, I need a goddess
Dont give a fuck what you think
I make my own luck with this ink
And I be writing emo raps
Till I fucking see no daps
Im somewhat anti-social
Though sometimes I can be vocal
Telling you people this shit wont end local
And Im just trying to gain some notoriety
Yeah cause I refuse to let this motor die in me

Wrote this to the shook ones part two beat. Let me know what you all think.

nice choice of beat first of all.

second, this aint bad. i felt some lines shone brighter than the piece as a whole tho. u had some hidden rhymes in there. i liked that. started off kinda slow and picked up...i also caught the emo raps/no daps rhyme - was that intended? im a fan of doing that too, where u gotta emphasize the end of a certain word to make it rhyme, so i thought that was cool as fuck. (example: eMO raps...NO daps)

overall this is a solid, solid drop. i could see u really redoing some parts of this and cleaning it up a bit, cuz it has potential..good shit man

keep slayin

mind feedin this? viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143797