No Love

[Atone]

was on facebook playin around, typin up random shit for lyrics, and decided to put something on here for once, i wrote this to the "No Love" Beat

i left ouit most of the 2nd verse as like a teaser for a part 2, only if you guys like this enough, i wanna see what you guys think, usuyally my writtens are better than stuff i recorded so....

(Verse)
I feel so strong again
now that i hold this pen
and begin to bring you deep within
to my life and times when i fell the hardest
pick myself up and still try to go the farthest
grow as an artist
gotta clean up the garbage

I don't wanna be the one that you think of
when shit starts to stink up
i don't wanna be the one that you bring up
when you talk about the whackest
lamest rappers
to ever embrace a track with
a lack of passion
i gotta come back and slap em
and show em- that i got what it takes
and i can do it, i just gotta catch a break
get thru it, right now it's not to late
to show em that this is where i belong
i can be strong
i can prove em wrong
and i'm gonna do it thru this song

(Chorus)

(Verse)
I was thirteen when i started it was like i was lookin for an escape
some said my dream was retarded, it was like i couldn't get a break
now my heart as dearly departed, it's like i just put it on a tape


Link Of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=144025&p=1875441#p1875441

[Atone]

2nd verse is more original, and i didn't use it for this cuz i just wrote a new song and used the 2nd verse for that,

when i post stuff on here i don't put my best work, i don't need to, i just post on here for fun, save my best work for more important shit,

[Spyder]

bullshit. terrible track and an Em rip off. as Geno said its not even as if you went to the beat, you used the scheme and everything.

and that second "verse" was written later, i can tell because you have 3 lines, which isnt even a couplette.
and the third line doesnt even make sense.

you dont post your best shit on here? what do u save it for only you to read? cmon bro. step it up or step off. your cocky "i am the greatest" attitude is laughable especially seeing as how you have never done anything good much less great. please go into stand-up comedy because you cant be worse at it than this

[Mr.DGAF]

Look dude, point blank, its time to step back and sort of evaluate your work ethic. I don't fuck with your audio shit, I've yet to touch a mic so I don't want to pass judgement too much there. But for your writtens, this isn't impressive. Your writtens at one point were actually pretty good dude, I don't know what happened. The second verse is the only real thing to look at, and we've only got 3 lines of it. If you wanted to save it man, just don't post it. I get you're having fun with it, but that sort of frustrates writers here that work to get better, because it gives off the impression that you're either complacent or don't take shit seriously. Step it up man, you've got it in you.

[Man1x]

You need to get serious about your work. Rap is music and music should be made with passion.

[CrashBand]

As most people have said your first verse it a way below par rip off of Em from no love.

Second verse is an improvement but still. Okay lets have a look at it.

I was thirteen when i started it was like i was lookin for an escape
some said my dream was retarded, it was like i couldn't get a break
now my heart as dearly departed, it's like i just put it on a tape

so obviously in the first half of each bar you are rhmying the.. I started / retarded / departed. But I feel you have crammed to many syllables especially in the third line. I have to rush the "now my heart as dearly" to flow it, it not smooth. Even the second line has one too many syllables I feel.

Okay and then the second half of these bars. Again it doesn't flow smoothly. An improvement would be to get rid of the "an" in your first bar for your multie to line up.

Looking for escape
Coudn't get a break
Put it on a Tape

I'm not sure if you've got the idea of how to flow down. Multies make it easier or even just having the same amount of syllables makes it easier.

Once you get this down FIRST you can then expand on vocab, wordplay, rhyme.